Turn the page.

Hello dear friends!!

I have been learning a lot-- so much so that I can't even really put it all into words and I'm sure if you have been reading these blog posts you've thought "you don't have words? are you kidding?" haha but Ive been trying to explain what God has been putting in my heart and I think my blogs have only been scratching the surface of everything so this one I'm going to try and put some things together. Bear with me.

Alright -- finished 1st Samuel. Basically David kept running around avoiding Saul, David had opportunities to kill Saul and David just kept honoring God and explaining that He was doing so. The book ends with Saul dying and it's over and I gotta say it's funny because the whole book people keep saying "David you will be King" and here it ends and David is in fact not yet king. I know He becomes King in 2nd Samuel but there is something beautiful that we must note: God called David to be King, the chapter ended and it hasn't happened yet. Why is this beautiful? BECAUSE THIS IS OUR LIVES! God calls us, he turns over chapters in our life without us reaching those things just yet and thus we have 2 choices: keep pressing ahead with perseverance, or give up.

So many times in our lives the chapters ended, but then book hasn't and we get so stuck on the endings and goodbyes we don't see the new chapters that He is bringing us too. I say "we" but let's be real-- I'm writing this so what I mean is "I do this sometimes and I really should not." If I've learned anything in the last 2 weeks it has been how much God is moving and changing my heart and it has been incredible.  He has renewed his mercies and grace each morning and I just don't think "joy" "happiness" "delight" cover what I've been feeling.

When I moved to Orlando it was the end of a chapter. A significant chapter of my life. I was moving away from my closest friends, people I thought God had put in my life for big purposes, from all the things that had distracted me from running after God. But when I moved here I stared at the last page of that chapter. I replayed the goodbyes, I consumed myself with school, and literally counted the days until graduation (27 month program). He continued break ties and clothes chapters of different areas of my life and honestly I kind of felt like I had moved here out of obedience to God and felt like well.. this must God teaching me something but I don't get it. I'd never felt so alone. I was so busy staring at the end of the chapter that I wasn't seeing the new chapter that was unfolding here in Orlando. I seriously think from May to September He was just breaking me. Breaking me of everything that the last chapter had contained. Everything. Every desire, every plan, everything. I thought well this sucks but its alright I have school and my health...

And then I failed a test. Not as earth shattering as it used to be (I used to have pride in my grades but this test was showing me once again that I'm worth more than my grades).

And then I got positive results back from biopsies and had to have surgery in two places to remove melanoma.

So then what did I have? nothing but Jesus--and that really was EVERYTHING I needed. A pastor at church says all the time "For God to show you that all you really need is Him He will take you to places where all you have is Him." That's where I was.  Sure I was meeting people at church but meeting new people takes a bit and so in the intermediate I was just in this time of confusion. Confusion as to whether or not I was where God wanted me. To explain how I knew Orlando is where He called me is another blog but I knew He called me here but I wasn't sure if I was called to stay. I even really considered during the fall break withdrawing from the program. I felt like well I came here because you wanted me here but I don't know what is next.

Then I started leading a group at school during lunch talking about how to use your faith as a PA.
Then I started having God put people in my life that I knew He was calling me to grow and disciple.
Then I got a dog.
Then I started to see that God had things for me to do here but He couldn't use me until He was ready. Just like He coudln't make David king just yet.

In the last 4 months God has changed everything. you name it He changed it. He has grown me in epic proportions that I really can hardly keep up with all He is teaching me. He really solidified some lessons that He had been teaching me my senior year of college and it was as though He said "alright you get these lessons now lets test them"

Point is-->God has the master plan and even if the chapter ends and you can't see the starting page of the next one He is writing a beautiful testimony for you. Hold on to that.

Be thankful IN all circumstances. Run after Him. Pray for his presence and be content with nothing else. He has a way and a plan and He will redeem you and use you but first you might have to get through 1 Samuel. you might have to run in circles and try not to die, and try not to kill anyone. (not literally but if you have read the chapter you get it). And when you finally get to the new chapter it will be better than anything you could have dreamed up. 

Not that you wont' have trials (hello David and the heartbreak that is behind psalm 51). You will. 100% guaranteed. But each new chapter gives you new strength and things to pursue and it really is truly beautiful.

Alright-- so I'm told I should just write from the heart in this blog so here goes:

The biggest time I learned about this focusing ahead thing was with my mom. I don't talk about her much because there isn't much to say but here goes-- My mom wasn't the "ideal" parent to say the least. She was an addict who didn't protect me or really ever show that she loved me. (not harping on a sad story just you can't understand the story without that fact). So for like.... my whole life... I knew that she was a mess and I learned really quick she wasn't ever going to be what I needed her to be  but when you are a child who has parents that are less than ideal a teeny tiny part of you hopes they will one day get it together no matter how much you know without a shadow of a doubt that she never will. It was a sunday morning-- and i wasn't at church ironically enough. I was severely lacking in this-- and I got a phone call from a 702 number (Nevada) and answered. It was a police officer telling me that my mom had passed away. A lot of things happened from this but I'm telling this story for a purpose so we are going to focus on this : that teeny tiny part of me that wanted my mom to be my mom couldn't exist anymore because hope was lost in that. It was a reality check where my fear of the truth became true. I was a sophomore in college and literally didn't know how to process it-- so i just kept going. Finished the semester, dealt with her arrangements and my family and the mess and just kept going. It took me quite a bit to see any good from that situation. I was looking at the last page of the chapter. When I finally got to looking at the new chapter He did BIG things. He allowed me to use this to help others. He gave me a new strength, a new spirit and most of all it showed me I needed to put all my hope in Christ because He was the only one who wouldn't disappoint. he then spent the next 3 years slowly taking away anything else I had any hope in. 

Let me say this. Do NOT be sad in any way for me because you have NO IDEA how much God has blessed me. I tell you this story for this purpose: if you can just get to the start of a new chapter. If you can just stop looking at the last page and move ot the first you can move from running around with no purpose. You can really live and really let God use you.

Even me writing this is God growing me to allow me to be more open and less guarded. I'm not so great about talking about feelings and the like but here I'm telling you some of my innermost feelings-- but only to help make the point that we are all like David. We are all called to something and we may not be in a time of that something until we get to the next chapter.



Final thought because I refuse to write a blog and not have scripture in it if its about God's promises and prayers:

Romans 8:18 says "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

This verse I used to read over and over again in times of brokenness. To remind myself that He had a plan. To remind myself of Philippians 1:6. To remind myself to persevere and I know He isn't done with me just yet so I know that this small amount of glory revealed so far is NOTHING compared but He uses everything. Every tear, every story, everything for his Glory and slowly when you are willing to turn the page-- He will give you just a glimpse of it.

Keep praying friends. Keep pressing on. Finish strong and wait for the glory that will be revealed.

Turn the page.