“In friendship...we think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years' difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another...the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting--any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you," can truly say to every group of Christian friends, "Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another." The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”-C.S. Lewis
the answer? WE DON'T. God has a plan and will work it out. Now that doesn't mean stay in your apartment/house, be antisocial and expect God to work a miracle. Not that He couldn't but our God can't guide your steps if you aren't walking. We are called to walk by faith. (note as I am writing this Pandora is advertising to me christianmingle.com -- which I would never sign up for personally. I trust God and his timing and believe in what C.S. Lewis said- when God wants us to meet He will make it happen. I may even already know whoever God will bless me with. You never know what His plan is)
Some helpful things:
1- Pray for people that you see potential in by name.
2- Be open to meeting people, but slow to call them friends. A one time meet with someone doesn't make you friends. Facebook doesn't make you friends. Friendship is the foundation that we must build with each person and with a select few more can come from that. I'm going to run through some scripture for this one :
Proverbs 20:6 Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?
This verse shows that friendship should be marked with loyalty and I would say that doesn't happen over night. It even shows the rarity of finding it here.
Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.
It takes time to sharpen one another, but good friends should. They should be people that see places you can grow and encourage that. The world says good friends are people who "Accept you as you are" but I would argue that's a bad friend. I'm not saying go and attack your friends all the time but sharpening them in a loving way is biblical and a mark of friendship. Be careful about the friends you keep for this reason as you want to be sharpened to be more like God not less.
Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
I love this verse. I want it read at my wedding if I ever get married. It shows a need for Philippians 2 gospel partnerships and marriage is something between best friends. Friends and eventually your spouse are supposed to make you stronger against the enemy,to keep you warm and as it talks about a triple-braided cord, help the two of you join with God. I wrote about how Satan likes to attack marriage in my last post and it's true. This is why you must be friends, and have Christ be the foundation.
John 15:13–15
There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn't confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me
There is a beautiful picture here. Friendship is about sacrifice and about sharing "I have told you everthing the Father told me." Now I don't know if this is true for men, but women bond by talking. Men, I believe bond by doing things together, as when you talk to men about their friends it's usually oh yea this guy I did this with, this guy I met here. But at any rate there has to be a level of desire to help your friends at no benefit to you. Moreover, there has to be a time of getting to know each other. Now I will say, don't tell your friends every little thing, especially those of the opposite sex as there should be things that you hold just for your spouse. Things you keep special just for them. I didn't understnad that idea for a very long time but the more I really let God change my heart on things I think that you have keep some things special. Our society doesn't promote this at all -- people hook up, live together outside of marriage, are intimate with people they don't really know and call it a "one night stand." -- we should be holding things special even down to holding someone's hand, or knowing their heart. (I have a lot of thoughts on this but that's for another post)
I will tell you-- that if I am going to quote scripture I can't over look the ones that go against my case. We all know how much I love 1 Samuel/2 Samuel and the Jonathan/David friendship. The word says there was an immediate bond between them of love (not romantic love just to be clear-- in other verses it says their souls connected.)
1 Samuel 18:1–3
After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king’s son. There was an immediate bond between them, for Jonathan loved David. From that day on Saul kept David with him and wouldn't let him return home. And Jonathan made a solemn pact with David, because he loved him as he loved himself.
I've posted about their friendship before if your interested in that. http://promisesandprayers.blogspot.com/2011/12/mizpah.html
But I will say you can have some people that you just click with instantaneously but time will tell if that's emotional or attraction or truly immediate friends. I've never been disappointed at taking things slow, but have already regretted the times I took things too fast. Some people of course won't respect your desire to slowly build a friendship but then you see those aren't people you really want to be good friends with anyway. (I see this a lot in men in a singles ministry I attend. They are quick to ask for your number or message you on facebook but if you won't say yes to a date the first time you meet they don't understand. Women have to be wise to be careful at the men she talks to, spends time with and men have to be wise in this as well and know that they lead so they must lead in a way that builds a foundation and a friendship if they hope for more. ) Of course same sex friends aren't as complicated, but should be carefully chosen for the same reasons. I have a few friends who I clicked with instantly but it is really rare. This is the exception not the rule.
3. Don't limit God, but also be wise in the friendships you pursue.
The big question is always asked: Can men and women really be friends?
I would have told you yes in the past (but I would have said A LOT of garbage in the past.) I will say this- it's not impossible but it's rare. As singles it's hard to imagine but one day I will marry someone (if God blesses me with that) and when I do I won't be able to keep any male friends I have as my husband is who I will look to for counsel. He will be my best friend. Not that I won't talk to anyone but those friendships will have to change out of respect for my husband. An emotional connection outside of marriage is adultery and you don't get those connections if you don't keep close friends of the opposite sex. (I will say you can have these friends in groups, and in other close married couples around you but your first and most important friendship in marriage is your marriage).
As a single I can say I keep a lot of my friendships limited. I'm not quick to call someone a friend, but I do like making friends. These things have been hard for me to balance as I love meeting people and making new friendships, but i have to be careful for myself, and also careful with those around me of the opposite sex as many times on one side or the other an interest develops. Some friendships don't survive unrequited love, some do over time. Particularly this is something I have a hard time with. I've had some great, Godly men that have pursued me, but I have those 6 or so things I am waiting for and I don't want to compromise. (note you will never find perfect- we are all going to marry a sinner so having a few things is not unreasonable) I think the hardest thing to find is a man who will lead or even wants to or even knows what that means. But I already wrote about the importance of men leading so I won't belabor the point.
All this to say---- each one of your friends is a gift from God. I would argue finding love is a miracle even more so because it is so rare. (true love not an emotional connection). Reba McEntire had a song some years back called "Somebody" (it's a country song). It's a cute song and I'd link the video but I'm not listening to nonchristian music at the moment. It's about how you never know when your going to meet someone special and in the song a couple meets by the end. But the lyrics of the chorus are this :
Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shop that you walk right by everyday
Somebody that you look at but never really see
Somewhere out there is somebody
I love this song, and it's so true. you never know. So be kind to everyone, be friendly, be yourself (a work in process not just staying the same forever - you gotta be growing), and don't put God in a box. Don't limit what He could bring you by a set of things. I had a girl one time tell me she was going to meet her husband in college. When she graduated and hadn't found him she pursued a masters. No luck there. She was frustrated about about gave up thinking she would find anyone. It wasn't until she was a marketing director at a Chikfila that she found her husband, a fellow CFA employee. He wasn't what she thought she wanted but He ended up being what she needed.
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Friends if your married build that friendship with your spouse. And if your single remember somewhere out there is somebody. Focus on what God needs to make you to be and in Him, be careful in who you befriend and enjoy life. We were created for relationship - it's not good for us to be alone- so make friends and don't be focused on finding love for it will come. Focus on serving God, being a light, ministry, and remember that God honors those who honor Him. He's not a God of confusion but a God of peace so if He does give you desires know that in his timing He will honor those.
praying for you friends. and know that if you do have love, or find it one day it really is a miracle. treat it as such <3
