I WILL FOLLOW

Friends,
Chris Tomlin did a song: "I Will Follow"

"Where you go I'll go. Where you stay I'll stay. When you move I'll move. I will follow you"
These words I've sung countless times and it hit me today in the midst of a hectic day: Do I mean them? Do you?

I can think back over my life and think of lots of things I didn't plan on, didn't want and yet God worked on me, my heart and through various circumstances brought me to where I am.

I didn't want to finish my senior year of high school- I wanted to start college a year early. Had I not done that I wouldn't have earned a $20,000 scholarship and been named a Horatio Alger National Scholar. I wouldn't have gone to Washington on a trip that changed my life and I wouldn't have met some of the great people I met my freshmen year at FAU Honors.

I wanted to be a Physician Assistant starting my senior year of high school and yet during my senior year of college I took a detour to possibly get my PhD at FAU. A spur of the moment trip to Montreal showed me that isn't where God wanted me and I came back unsure of what was going to happen. A phone call changed everything and Orlando FL would become my home for 27 months. It isn't where I wanted to be but had I not gone there I wouldn't have met my husband.

The night I met Paul was at a concert I didn't want to go to. In fact the pew I sat in was because I didn't want to sit in a few other ones. If I hadn't gone I wouldn't be sitting next to my hubby as I write this.

At one point during our getting to know each other I tried to pray Paul out of my life. I was certain he would be a distraction from God and from school and so I tried to pray him away. The next day at church the message was "Don't Pray People Out of Your Life." Needless to say... He's my husband.

I didn't want to move but here I am in a different job than I moved for and I enjoy it even on the crazy days.  The timing for the changes was not my timing and honestly it has been amazing.

Of course the biggest things becoming Catholic was the last thing I wanted to be but when God called me to the church despite my biggest attempts I couldn't deny where He was leading me. It was honestly the last thing I wanted but now that I have come home to the Catholic church I know this was His plan and not mine. God really has helped me grow so much through my journey.

I don't know what else God has planned but I can tell you if you see anything in this litany is that I clearly and not the best judge of where I should be on the first go but where He leads I will follow.  Even when He leads me to the hard places, even on the long days.

Friends will you follow Him? Where He goes? Where He stays? When He moves?
I will follow. Will you?
Let's follow Him together <3

What is Natural Family Planning? FAQ and Answers

How did I end up doing NFP?

As a Physician Assistant student I learned that birth control "stops implantation." This BLEW my mind. As a newly married woman who was in the middle of the 27 months of educational experience they call PA school I honestly felt I could NOT get pregnant. I barely had time to eat, or sleep and with my clinical year starting 7 days after I got married I didn't think I could safely carry a child at the time. Moreover there was no way we could afford it. So a few months before we got married I went on birth control. I wasn't told anything just prescribed and given a years worth of refills. Sitting in the marathon of slides that is PA school's didactic year one stuck out during an OBGYN lecture. It was about birth control, listed the side effects including cancers, blood clots, weight gain, mood swings, etc. As I copied notes to help myself absorb the information and help me pay attention I found myself writing "Stops implantation." That night as I studied it hit me.... stops implantation...implantation of... a BABY...OH MY GOODNESS! It was if like a ton of bricks the reality hit me and honestly I thought I had jumped to conclusions and that I didn't have complete information so I spent HOURS that night ripping through the internet trying to find...is this true and was the "well it's only some birth controls" that I had heard passed around really true? I searched to find just ONE birth control that did not have abortifacient properties and I couldn't find one. All the package insert information that I could read online on the pharmaceutical companies websites listed in various words that it can affect a baby that is conceived from implanting. How? By starving and suffocating it though lessening blood supply that carries oxygen and sugar (food), by making it get to the uterus too early to implant and by thinning the lining so it physically can't implant.

Stunned I told my husband "we can't use this stuff" and I got no fight because God has been challenging his heart that maybe it wasn't best for no uncertain reason.

So newly married... no birth control.... growing up in a society that teaches unprotected sex leads to babies I knew we couldn't just "do nothing" or "wing it." So I researched. I studied. and through the rest of my most frequently asked questions on the topic I'm going to share what I learned.

Isn't NFP just doing nothing? isn't it the rhythm method?
NFP is NOT doing nothing - it's actually a process to learn.  It's not .... checking the calendar... (which essentially assumes every woman has a 28 day cycle and that we all ovulate on day 14 and simply abstains on that day) but is more fondly called Fertility Awareness Methods and provides through a various number of methods standard ways to monitor fertility. Some methods monitor cervical mucus, temperature, cervix position, use fertility monitors... and some use combinations of this.

What method do I use?
When I started I used Billings. It was easier to learn than some of the others and I failed to be able to take my temperature at the same time daily due to my changing rotations. I was not checking my cervix as I personally was not interested in that. Billings monitors cervical mucus only and through some guidelines helps you determine your fertile window. When trying to achieve pregnancy... go for the window and when your trying to avoid... keep the window closed. It's fairly simple in concept, takes some effort to learn and ultimately grows you in patience.

Now we are using Creighton which is a bit more specific than Billings but both are similar in that they monitor cervical mucus.

What about condoms? 
While from a medical standpoint condoms don't hurt you per say they don't help you unless your having multiple partners and at risk for STDs, they may help but not fully prevent infection. Even if you don't have a latex allergy, can handle the experience of a condom and have a husband who will use them...some things you may not know is it is healthier to not use one. (Note: I'm talking to people in committed monogamous relationships.) The female cervix actually absorbs sperm and this can be a natural antidepressant, and can help the female body learn to recognize the male DNA as "self" and some studies indicate this may lesson miscarriage. While there are tons of causes of miscarriage lessening the chance is always a good idea.

Ultimately though for us it boiled down to what was biblical and was not biblical. Genesis 38 starting in verse 8 tells the story of Onan. It says Onan spilled his semen on the ground. He interrupts sexual intercourse to prevent procreation. For Onan he was selfish. By Levirate law he marries his brothers widow and since he died without children (Deut. 25:5) by law the first born male would be considered the son of the deceased man. Onan by spilling his seed on the ground gets the dead man's property and his wife but if he has no children with her the property remains his. God didn't take that lightly and he struck Onan dead/ slew him also.  Now some will say that that Onan was struck dead not for "spilling his seed" but because he broke the law. However in Deuteronomy 25: 5-10 explains levirate law:  death wasn't the penalty for not taking your brothers wife and not having children. Simply: you handed over the sandal... meaning you lost the brothers property and there was great humiliation (someone might spit in your face).  So if it wasn't because Onan broke the law and refused to give children to his brothers name, than the only other thing he did was interrupt the marital act. Anything that interrupts the act then is not honoring to God. No pulling out, no condoms or other barrier methods. Marital intimacy is fully between a husband and wife. To be one flesh you can't have a piece of plastic between you. Just saying.

Keep in mind a compromise to birth control and NFP is NOT barrier methods. This isn't a meet in the middle spot. Note I'm not advocating for sex among the masses to be without condoms. Even Pope Benedict explained greater good on this issue. The lesser evil would be to prevent disease for those who are in HIV rampant areas or in Pope Benedict's example a male with HIV using a condom. In this case your protecting life first but ultimately using a condom is still sinful. In a monogamous marriage with no HIV or communicable disease there is no grave moral reason to use a condom.

Doesn't using NFP/not using any birth control mean you will end up with 19 kids?
No. God alone gives life. Ask any mommy who has tried for a baby and they will tell you they aren't "planned". Women who try for babies don't always get them and women who use condoms and birth control together sometimes end up pregnant. The conclusion then would not be to jump to contraception/sterilization with the idea "God will give me a baby if He wants." Yes God can give you a child despite your tubal ligation or birth control but to trust God fully means to trust Him with your fertility. That means being open to whatever He brings. Using NFP is a natural way to avoid pregnancy and while it is as or more effective than most birth controls when practiced properly we aren't doing anything to alter the marital act before, during or after. We leave marital intimacy whole every time. For us we have been using NFP for over 2 years and we have no children. We have avoided pregnancy with the understanding that if God gave us a baby we would be overjoyed.

If you have done NFP for over 2 years and have no children are you infertile?

Nope! My charts show that I have a fertile pattern.

If you use NFP to avoid does that mean you never have sex?
No!!! It just means during the fertile window when trying to avoid we abstain.

What if you don't have normal periods ? 
There is no "normal." There are general parameters but ultimately we all vary as we are all unique even down to our cycles. (And yes a cycle is not just a period. Every day for a woman is part of her fertility cycle).

Does NFP put everything on the woman?
No. NFP requires both spouses to be involved, and open to life. For us we weren't on the same page at first and it took a while to figure it out but ultimately we have grown closer and learned more about my health than we ever would have known on BC.

Why doesn't my OBGYN/ Family practice doctor know about this?
As a health care provider myself I tell you my patients teach me a lot so don't be afraid to share.  Having just educated my OBGYN that NFP is NOT just the rhythm method she was shocked even after medical school, a residency, and a fellowship. You see in allopathic medicine (MDs, PAs) we literally don't learn NFP. We learn birth control and we learn that people try the rhythm method and it doesn't work. No other information is taught in most program and training and unless someone shares or looks into it ...we don't know. The urge many times is to abandon the doctor because for those who do NFP many times it feels as though providers push birth control but a healthy conversation to explain that NFP is scientifically based can at least create an opportunity. That to be said there are wonderful NFP only providers and Naprotechnology doctors all over.

So when you say natural... what if you can't get pregnant?

There are many ways to naturally enhance pregnancy and promoting life is always a good thing. Some medications can help as well as specially trained professionals in Naprotechnology can offer options many OBGYNs don't as they honestly haven't been trained to do so. Invitro Fertilization does allow lives to be formed that do not survive and does separate the procreative process from the marital act. Anything that makes a baby without the natural marital act is well... not natural. For those attempting to be natural and to protect life these are not options. I could go into more of why but that would be a long response and good for another blog post. 

Does NFP take all the fun out of sex?

Nope. It takes away the selfishness of sex in my opinion but not the fun. However, the physical part of sex is only part of it and ultimately it isn't "just fun" it's fun and unitive, body and soul. 

What if you just had a baby and don't have a cycle? or have a medical condition where you don't have a cycle?

I would recommend you do the Creighton method and I know an awesome instructor that teaches over Skype. If you want her info shoot me any e-mail and I'll help you get connected. (note I don't get paid or anything to send you. But having had friends who went through that I know it can be hard and I wanna help you). 

As a PA if you don't believe in birth control do you prescribe it?

No. Personally I'm Catholic and as such prescribing it would be a mortal sin. I do not at this time work in a field though that would require me to prescribe it. 

Do you teach NFP?

I do- sort of. I am NOT a certified instructor in any method and I'll always refer to an expert but what I do is teach what I know, share resources and help encourage. I wish I would have had someone to talk to because honestly at the time I really didn't. 

Alright that's a lot of information for one post and a lot of things that could be covered more specifically that I shared a snapshot on. This isn't meant to be all inclusive but helps to answer the questions that I get most. Do you have more? Feel free to comment or e-mail me at beautifulgoodtrue@gmail.com . Honestly I'm happy to share and realize that some of this you may have never heard of and I'm happy to share/answer questions you may have. I'm not an expert I'm just sharing what I've learned and encourage you to research NFP, the methods and to truly pray and ask God to open your heart to the truth. The holy spirit will guide you as He did me because much of this was hard for me to be open to. I thought honestly no birth control = babies and that I needed "protection." I've learned I don't need to protect myself from my husband. He loves me freely, and fully. No need to protect from that.  I won't say it has always been easy but I will tell you it has been worth it and our marriage is closer now because of NFP. I am thankful for it and would recommend it even if you don't have religious implications for looking into it. 

<3

Anita

Dear Mommies and Future Mommies:

I am so blessed to have so many lovely people around me pregnant. It seems like the phase of life I'm in it's rare that there is a week where no one has announced an engagement or a baby. It's incredible to see the mommies around me, some who are first time moms others who have a few and are growing their family. Some even are moms who are praying for more, overcoming miscarriage, challenged by health issues or struggling with being on the same page as a spouse. Some are trying to work out the finances or dealing with various struggles.  Some are praying for a baby and waiting.

For me I'm not a mother to a human being and I never have been. I've never had the wonder or shock of two lines on pregnancy test, so I've never been met with the excitement or fear that comes with that. I've never lost a baby to miscarriage, I've never had to decide life. I've never tried to conceive a child so I haven't been met with the anticipation and the feeling of a negative tests that I was hoping would be positive.   So essentially I have no form of expertise on the subject of motherhood unless you need tips on mothering a dog, in which case I've got plenty.   The roller coaster of our life hasn't brought us to a season of these things just yet but has brought us to a season of NFP and baby stickers and figuring out Billings vs. Creighton model and maybe I'll do a post one day about how that all works but for now just know that we don't know but He does.

But Mommies, know that my heart is with you. As I dream and hope that one day God will open the door and timing to motherhood for me,  I know we can all relate to one thing: the unknown. No matter what road your walking whether its TTC, TTA, TTW, or currently pregnant - none of us know what tomorrow with hold. We literally have no control over conception, our ability to carry a pregnancy or not or our ability to safely birth a baby into the world. It's the lack of control that for so many is so challenging and I'll even admit at times the details for us on when to think about trying for a baby or what we hope for that child have kept me up at night. Prayerful discernment is where I am at this moment. Praying for God to prepare me for whatever His plan is and prayer for our marriage that we can grow in holiness through whatever His will is.

It's all been advised but many women in my life:

"your doing the right thing finishing school and getting an education first."
"there's never a perfect time just go for it."
"enjoy your marriage wait for babies."
"if you plan for it will never happen."

But I know the One who has the plan.
I know the one who knits together life.
I know the Great I am. I know the King. I know the Maker and Giver.

So while I have NO IDEA what He has planned... I know what He's put on my heart which is the hundreds and thousands of other mommies that I can pray for in this season of life.  I can pray for the sweet women who welcomed baby number 8 on the day she lost her husband. I can pray for those I know that have been waiting for years for God to give them a baby. I can pray for those who wait for the arrival of their baby and pray for safe delivery. I can pray for those who are mommies to children who may be both healthy and unhealthy and for the challenges and gifts each child can bring.

 I can pray for the children I hope to have: their lives and that God would start growing their faith even now before they have even been conceived. I pray that He will grow me in the ways He needs to so that I could be a mother that parents with holiness. Holy families raise holy children.  I know motherhood will be the most important thing outside of being a wife that I ever do and I'm excited to see what that looks like someday.

You see friends the unknown isn't easy, in some ways I think it's harder than what's known. For my life though, it's the seasons of unknown that have helped me grow to rely on Him for He's never forsaken me.

Mommies. Count it all joy. The path of motherhood is one of the biggest paths of unknowns and one
of the paths of greatest reward. Steward your gift of motherhood to the best of your ability. The days might be hard in many ways but joy comes in the morning. No matter the challenge or the day, no matter the good news or the hard news He can do more than we ask or imagine. Nothing is impossible and nothing is out of His care so bring it all to Him. All the hurt, all the impatience, all the joy and laughter, all the pain and fear. Drop it at the alter. Drop it at the foot of the cross. Drop it at the feet of Jesus.

Even if you end up looking like Hannah who cried so hard the priest thought she was drunk thats ok. Drop it.

1 Samuel 1:10-19

In her bitterness she prayed to the LORD, weeping freely,11and made this vow: “O LORD of hosts, if you look with pity on the hardship of your servant, if you remember me and do not forget me, if you give your handmaid a male child, I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life. No razor shall ever touch his head.”12 As she continued praying before the LORD, Eli watched her mouth,13for Hannah was praying silently; though her lips were moving, her voice could not be heard. Eli, thinking she was drunk,14said to her, “How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Sober up from your wine!”15“No, my lord!” Hannah answered. “I am an unhappy woman. I have had neither wine nor liquor; I was only pouring out my heart to the LORD.16 Do not think your servant a worthless woman; my prayer has been prompted by my deep sorrow and misery.”17Eli said, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have requested.”18She replied, “Let your servant find favor in your eyes,” and left. She went to her quarters, ate and drank with her husband, and no longer appeared downhearted.19 Early the next morning they worshiped before the LORD, and then returned to their home in Ramah. When they returned Elkanah had intercourse with his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her.

Hannah brought it all. Her bitterness. Her weeping. Her misery. And most of all she wanted a Son to give to the Lord. In verse 18 she "no longer appeared downhearted." She left it all there in the temple knowing He sees and hears. It doesn't say how long Hannah was barren but earlier in the passage it says "year after year"  so we know that her journey wasn't short.  Like Hannah, I hope to leave everything I have at the feet of Jesus trusting that His timing is perfect and His will is best.

For Hannah- God answered her prayer which you can see through 1 Samuel 1 and 2. But what not only stands out to me is that He answered and she praised Him but He gave her more than she asked for. She asked for a son and 1 Samuel 2:21 says "The LORD favored Hannah so that she conceived and gave birth to three more sons and two daughters, while young Samuel grew up in the service of the LORD."  She asked for 1 son and got 4 sons and 2 daughters.  He alone knows what we need and the timing for what we need. He's never early or late. So on the days when the desires of my heart for children seem weighty I'll count it all joy and choose to trust Him.

<3

(note : TTC= Trying to Conceive TTA= Trying to Avoid Pregnancy TTW= trying to whatever)

No matter where you are trust Him. 

Love As If There Is No Tomorrow.

On Thursday at 10:17 am my husband sent me a text. We had been laughing and joking back and forth and it ended as we both were busy with work. I didn't hear anything the rest of the work day which wasn't unusual because we are both busy but I called on my way home with my 35 minute commute and I called...no answer at 5:15 pm or so. My heart began to hurt as I listened the voicemail play back.

My husband doesn't disappear, and rarely does he not answer my call. If he doesn't answer I get a text almost immediately saying something like "hey I'll call in a minute." I pressed the button for the elevator and rode down 3 floors to the bottom. I walked to the parking garage where normally I'm updating my sweet husband on my day. Today, I walked in silence.

I got to the car and pulled out of the garage and tried to call again. Voicemail.

I thought it was strange but figured well maybe he is doing something but he will call me right back. My 35 minute commute was a little longer due to traffic and such. I got on the interstate and as each mile marker passed and my phone didn't right I felt myself get more worried. 10 miles in... I called.

Voicemail.

 Another few miles I dialed again. Voicemail. I found myself starting to worry. What if? What if something happened? And just as the thought hit my head my heart began to pray. A few more attempts and I left a voicemail, sent a text and nothing. The more miles I drove I was realizing that truly something could be wrong. I called his best friend to see if he had talked to him past 10 am. No--- 8 am they talked. I called his work. No answer meaning he wasn't there.

 God allowed me to feel the weight of what it would be like if something happened to my husband and all in a mile or two I felt an immense heart break for the possible. I've never been so worried for Paul, because like I said- He doesn't disappear. I prayed "God please let him be ok and if he isn't give me the strength for whatever the circumstances." With each mile the tears began to fall until I was completely for a moment overwhelmed with fear. I prayed that God would calm my heart until I could get home.

Of course it felt as though my car was moving in slow motion and I tried calling again. Finally getting off the interstate I called my best friend Suzanne to tell her that I didn't know if he was ok and as I'm racing to tell her that I don't even know who else to call..my phone beeps and his name appeared on the screen. A mix of joy and "I can't believe you, don't do that again" hit me but oh man was the joy sweet to hear his voice.

 Turns out...he plugged his phone in the other room. (He agreed not to do that again.)

 It wasn't easy that drive home but sitting now on the couch with my dog and husband I'm reminded at how grateful I am. How I hope to love my husband in such a way that should anything happen my heart will know that I loved him as if today was the last day I had with him. It's not an easy view to keep and I'll be honest I fail at it often. I like routine and the dependability of him always answering the phone and today reminded me that our lives are so short and anything could happen : good or bad. I know that with God I can get through anything but the thought of loosing my husband is so sad just to think of. It breaks my heart for those who have lost their spouse. I can't begin to imagine how painful that is and I pray that God will grant peace and grace to those who are widowed.

 As I drove the last little stretch I wondered what would I have done differently had I truly loved Paul as if yesterday was the last day. I would have given him the cookie dough in the ice-cream instead of letting him give it to me. I thought about how waiting for the perfect timing for a baby sounds ridiculous if you don't know if you get tomorrow. I thought about how I would have let him have the "spot" on the couch with the 2 pillows vs the 1. I would have said I love you a few more times and shared more of the cookie dough chunks when splitting ice-cream. While most of these things seem meaningless they are things that came to mind as I continued to drive praying he was ok.

Since then I've been thinking about it and how easy it is to forget that our lives occur in the blink of an eye and no one is promised tomorrow. It's easy to project and assume that we will all be given happily ever after living to rock next to each other in our old age. That's not the reality for everyone. While I pray that my husband and I will have 73 beautiful years of marriage and die peacefully in our sleep at the same time after having a big family, and serving those around us, I don't know what God's plan is. I do know no matter what it is that I am so blessed to have an amazing husband for as long as God let's us serve Him together.
 <3

 "Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit”—you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow. You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears. Instead you should say, “If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.” But now you are boasting in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil." - James 4:13-16

<3 Anita

A Lenten Reflection

Friends,

Many of you know I converted to Catholicism and was confirmed last May. For the "why" you can read that here: My Conversion Story. This Lent was my first as a Catholic and while I have over the years accepted small forms of Lent, this was the first year I actually viewed the beauty of Lent.

While so many things were different last year as I was anticipating coming into full communion with the church and being able to have the precious Eucharist, this year was even more different. You see I've had almost a year with Jesus physically present: body,blood, soul and divinity and it's changed me.  I find myself more calm, less anxious. More loving, less judging. More serving, less selfish. More humble, less prideful. More aware of my need for Jesus, less focused on needs of the world. More faithful, less lukewarm. While I wish I could tell you I've welcomed the fullness of the grace of God into my life and grown to make much of Him and less of me, what I have done is grown in my knowledge of my own sinfulness and I've grown in my love for God and others.

When I reflect back on how I've grown it hit me that the Church tells you that you will grow in these things when you are catholic. Each sacrament has sanctifying grace, but also specifically defined grace. For reconciliation, it's a knowledge of sin and a growth in an ability to resist it. For the Eucharist, which is a communion with God, it is growth in supernatural charity (love for God and neighbor).  While I can't pinpoint the moments I grew in this, I know I've grown because the way I see people has softened. I see it most with patients that I see. I've grown not to just see them as disease and people but truly, the beautiful creation of God. When they are challenging, I've grown to love them more and I can't explain how because it's really not of me.

You see I didn't realize how sinful I was or how much I didn't love until I came in contact with the grace of God that slowly and surely overwhelmed my heart. It's overwhelming and I feel so heartbroken for how I have viewed people for so long. The words are seared into my heart that used to play in my mind and while I know God has forgiven my hardness of heart and helped me grow, I can't help but be reminded how easy sin feels and how blind to it we can truly be.

1 year with Jesus in the Eucharist has broken my shell, helped me make me more like Christ instead of more like the world.  It's overwhelming as I write these words the power of God in my life and the love He's had for me and continues to show me each day. It doesn't happen overnight but little by little I find myself growing and it's amazing. The most promising thing though is that while I am still so far from truly being like Christ He's not finished with me yet.

Where is God growing you? Where do you need Him to grow you? Let us not rest in our current states and say "that's just how I am" but rather let Him transform us.

I used to rest in the understanding that "no one is perfect" and use that to settle in my imperfection. Now like Paul I hope to run the race well. I hope to run after God with everything I have and even if I miss the mark I hope that I can say that each day I did better than the last. I pray that He would guard my heart for Him, grow me in where He sees my brokenness and chisel away the places that need to be chiseled. This Lent, 40 days of reflection on the WHY Jesus had to save me from my sins grew my knowledge of how He's always been there and has never left me.  He's made me aware....aware of my shortcomings and aware of His grace that fills the gap and pushes me to grow more like Him.

Praying for you friends that God would grow you and make you aware of how He's growing you. Let it inspire your heart to trust Him more and more each day. I can't wait to see how much He continues to grow me in my life as I trust Him to make straight lines out of my crookedness and beauty out of my ashes.
<3