Hearing aid experience part 3

So I went for my second opinion and the audiologist seemed much more helpful. He spent quite a bit of time with me and told me to come back and bring my husband so that my husband could help recreate some of the areas I am having trouble hearing. So the next day Paul and I went back to the audiologist and tried a couple different hearing aids, and unfortunately hearing aids really seem to be "you get what you pay for" with my type of hearing loss. We decided that I would try one out and that is what I have been doing.

So far I have run into some obstacles. First, using a stethoscope seemed impossible, until I met with my audiologist and he said " did you try just using it like normal" to which I said "i don't want to hurt it" and he said " you won't." This works fairly well though due to the wire it doesn't fit perfect. I need to get the mute button reprogramed as that got messed up, because as I'm trying to listen the aid amplifies the cartoons on in the background and the kid crying. But it is doable.

It's hard to know how much it helps me, because I really can't recreate all the times I couldn't hear, but my husband says he sees the difference and that's reassurance for me in part. I feel a little bit guilty having it just in the amount of money they cost, but my husband is so great and supportive and I am blessed to have him.

I did have a talk with my grandmother who informed me that my mom actually had hearing loss and hearing aids that she never wore. I don't remember my other ever using a hearing aid but how much time did I get to spend with her in all reality? not much. Apparently our family has a history of congenital hearing loss and that I probably am no different, I've just been coping very well. To say that it has been forever makes sense... because when it's all you have known you wouldn't know to look for something different.

I will say the world is louder than I knew it to be, and when I don't have it in I notice things like when I'm laying down watching tv and my good ear is down, I can't barely hear it, but if I sit up a little it's like magic, and I can.

It's been an experience to say the least, an adjustment period. But I am thankful for the opportunity and I'm praying God will put on my heart what the best course of action is as to whether to keep it or not.

I'll try and keep you all updated, and for those who find this that are hearing impaired know that my Jesus did give a guy back his hearing. There is hope. In heaven we won't need aids. :)

God bless!
Anita

I know nothing of Calvary love

Hello!
I wanted to write to you today about a text that has been challenge my heart. It's by Amy Carmichael and is called "Calvary love." which can be found here: http://holytrinitynewrochelle.org/yourti96592.html

If you go and read it you will see some piercing thoughts but I wanted to write about a few of them.
A few days post celebrating the birth of our savior, I find myself seeing that the life that He lived was perfect which is something to marvel at for sure. But more importantly the death He endured  and resurrection that He experienced mark my life and my soul, and yet Ms. Carmichael's writing is still challenging. When she says "If I covet any place on earth but the dust at the foot of the Cross, then I know nothing of Calvary love."- How many times do I covet so many other places. While all her statements are challenging this one rocks me the most.  How much do I crave the kisses from my puppy, or wait in anticipation for my husband to return home thinking that all is not right with the world until we are snuggled on the couch? And yet, complacency takes this feeling from me to crave my savior. When I started this blog I was praying for God's presence to appear in my life in a way that it never had. More than a year has passed and I will tell you God has a stronger presence in my life now than He ever did, but yet though I am closer than I ever have been the urgency is still something I chase.

And yet the stories that muddle the news about Russians banning American adoptions, and Fiscal cliffs and people unwilling to compromise and I find myself asking God to make himself known to our world, and it's almost as though He says " I told you to make me known." I'm there I am taken back and knowing that the only place I need to be is at the foot of the cross, and yet He said "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations"- Matthew 28:19 and yet here I am with my puppy curled up next to me alone in my apartment making a disciple out of no one. And when I ask myself what gifts has God given me, how I can share Him, I'm reminded of this blog, and that when I view the statistics of it that people all over the world have viewed it. People in countries I have been never been to have read my writing, and I wonder... could I make disciples through a blog?

I don't know.

But it's worth a try.

My word for 2012 was discipleship and I saw God use me to do that so much in this year. To lead a bible study, to start a woman's ministry, to encourage friends, to love strangers, and to bring people closer to Him. So now the question is, what does He have for me in 2013. Better yet, what does He have left of me to do in 2012.

Friends I am praying for you, and if there is anything I can be in prayer about please share that with me.  My hope and prayer is to write to you more so that I can share more about His love. Tomorrow isn't promised. let's do what we can to make disciples in these last few days and let's remember that despite the news, God will never leave or forsake us. Let's covet the foot of the cross together so that we can really see what Calvary Love can change.

<3

Processing a Tragedy

Hello Friends.

I am writing you today about a tragedy I am sure you have heard about: the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary school. It's an event that is almost incomprehensible. I try and wrap my mind around what it felt like for the students and teachers to be in that school, and the reality of what happened. I try and understand the evil that was displayed, but it is difficult. To say that 20 children died, seems unreal, and yet I know the reality is shaking the Newtown, CT today as they mourn the loss of the students and teachers who died. It's a mourning that I feel, yet I never met a single person involved.

The most common questions I've seen, read, and heard is "What is our country coming to?" or "How could someone kill babies?" They are questions I've asked myself, but in differing circumstances. I've wondered how we can allow the death of the unborn in our country. I've wondered how we can allow little boys and girls to grow up in broken homes, and not do anything about it. I've wondered how my generation can be one that so much sides with the idea of "change" and yet the changes that are happening in the world leave much to be desired. And yet, people ask "Why would God allow this to happen?" and miss that our country has taken a step away from God. As a whole, our Nation has rejected God and yet they want His help in times of trouble.  Friends, God will draw near to you if you draw near to Him.

There is a passage in Proverbs that comes to mind. Proverbs 1:22-33:
22 "How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge? 23 If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you. 24 But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, 25 since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, 26 I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock when calamity overtakes you-- 27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. 28 "Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me. 29 Since they hated knowledge and did not choose to fear the LORD, 30 since they would not accept my advice and spurned my rebuke, 31they will eat the fruit of their ways and be filled with the fruit of their schemes. 32 For the waywardness of the simple will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them; 33 but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm."

Note I am not saying that the people who died were killed because they didn't know God. I do not believe that at all so please please please know that is not what I am saying. What I am saying is that we reap what we sow. In verse 31 it says that they will eat from the fruit of their ways.  We will eat and are eating from the fruit of our ways. As we walk away from the values and standards of God, evil will have more prevalence in our world. We can't reject God, and expect that there will be no consequences to that. Does God do evil? NO. He is perfect and Holy. But He does allow evil as He allows us to have free will and to accept or reject His truth. He could have made us puppets, but He didn't. He gave us a choice and with each choice comes consequences and the consequences of not choosing God is sin and sin ultimately leads to death. The sin of Adam Lanza led to horrible death that is absolutely horrendous.  It is by the grace of God that we can have any good in us, and I pray for Adam's family that they would come to know God in this tragedy as I am sure they are just as shocked and confused as we are all as to why this happened.   But Christ died for the sin of the world and whoever believes in Him has eternal life, and is reconciled to a relationship with God. There is a culture that has taken over our country and our world that has walked away from God and my heart and my plea is that they will know the Prince of Peace. 

The reality is we need God. If Adam had known God, this wouldn't have happened.

This morning as I sat in church and the pastor spoke on our need for God, and the tragic events in our nation, my husband wrote this to me:

"Jesus came to take the old and make it NEW. NEWtown. Sin came into the world through Adam... ADAM Lanza"

He was making a connection from the events that is a story that has repeated itself through history. The death and destruction that come from sin has one cure: Jesus. While this killers name was Adam, it was Adam in the garden that killed our innocence, but Jesus came to be our 2nd Adam and bring us hope. “The first man Adam became a living being; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. The first man was of the dust of the earth, the second man from heaven. As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the man from heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. And just as we have borne the likeness of the earthly man, so shall we bear the likeness of the man from heaven” (1 Corinthians 15:45-49). The first Adam brought us into Sin. The second Adam (Jesus) saved us from sin. Yet the Adam I've been hearing about on the news is one that stole, killed, and destroyed a town of their joy. I find this no coincidence as the bible says that Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. So what do we make of all this? 

Our world is broken and we need the love of God.

I read a speech by a father from one of the victims of the Columbine shooting this morning that I think puts it beautifully. Guess our national leaders didn’t expect this.

On Thursday, Darrell Scott, the father of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine High School shootings in Littleton, Colorado, was invited to address the House Judiciary Committee’s subcommittee. What he said to our national leaders during this special session of Congress was painfully truthful.
They were not prepared for what he was to say, nor was it received well. It needs to be heard by every parent, every teacher, every politician, every sociologist, every psychologist, and every so-called expert! These courageous words spoken by Darrell Scott are powerful, penetrating, and deeply personal. There is no doubt that God sent this man as a voice crying in the wilderness.. The following is a portion of the transcript:

“Since the dawn of creation there has been both good & evil in the hearts of men and women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of violence. The death of my wonderful daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, and the deaths of that heroic teacher, and the other eleven children who died must not be in vain. Their blood cries out for answers.

“The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother Abel out in the field. The villain was not the club he used.. Neither was it the NCA, the National Club Association. The true killer was Cain, and the reason for the murder could only be found in Cain’s heart.

“In the days that followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA. I am not a member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am not here to represent or defend the NRA - because I don’t believe that they are responsible for my daughter’s death. Therefore I do not believe that they need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with Rachel’s murder I would be their strongest opponent

I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy — it was a spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real blame lies! Much of the blame lies here in this room. Much of the blame lies behind the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves. I wrote a poem just four nights ago that expresses my feelings best.

Your laws ignore our deepest needs, Your words are empty air. You’ve stripped away our heritage, You’ve outlawed simple prayer. Now gunshots fill our classrooms, And precious children die. You seek for answers everywhere, And ask the question “Why?” You regulate restrictive laws, Through legislative creed. And yet you fail to understand, That God is what we need!

“Men and women are three-part beings. We all consist of body, mind, and spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our make-up, we create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and wreak havoc. Spiritual presences were present within our educational systems for most of our nation’s history. Many of our major colleges began as theological seminaries. This is a historical fact. What has happened to us as a nation? We have refused to honor God, and in so doing, we open the doors to hatred and violence. And when something as terrible as Columbine’s tragedy occurs —politicians immediately look for a scapegoat such as the NRA. They immediately seek to pass more restrictive laws that contribute to erode away our personal and private liberties. We do not need more restrictive laws. Eric and Dylan would not have been stopped by metal detectors. No amount of gun laws can stop someone who spends months planning this type of massacre. The real villain lies within our own hearts.

“As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw his two friends murdered before his very eyes, he did not hesitate to pray in school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right! I challenge every young person in America , and around the world, to realize that on April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School prayer was brought back to our schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in vain. Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard for legislation that violates your God-given right to communicate with Him. To those of you who would point your finger at the NRA — I give to you a sincere challenge.. Dare to examine your own heart before casting the first stone! My daughter’s death will not be in vain! The young people of this country will not allow that to happen!” - Darrell Scott


Friends. We need God. Our Nation needs God, and in this time of tragedy the only hope in the midst of the incomprehensible Evil is Jesus Christ. I pray that the church would stand up in this time and offer assistance to those grieved, answer questions to those lost, and be the love and light that Christ asked us to be.


Revelation 21:4 says "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

I'm excited for that day. The day when there is no more mourning, and no more crying. no more death and no more pain. Until then We have to trust that God works all things together of the good of those who love Him. The key there is that we must LOVE Him. Friends I pray that if you don't know Him that you will ask questions and at least learn about Him. The message of my God is one of hope not of condemnation and I pray that you will know that message if you don't already.

Nothing can undo the tragedy that has occurred, we can only move forward and allow God to be apart of our lives, and our nation, so that we might see the peace that comes from the Lord.

I this song puts it beautifully.

Friends. I'm praying for you. Remember that your God will never forsake you. I'm praying for the families and those affected by this tragedy that the Spirit will comfort and give peace to you. I pray that you will know that God is only good, and He will never leave or forsake you. My heart is broken and sick for what happened. I don't want this to ever happen again and I am praying that God will protect our country and that our country will turn back to Him. The problem is Sin, the Solution is Christ. Fellow Christians lets show people the hope we have. Let's be the church in this tragedy and love and support those in need, and not join in the arguments and fights. Let's simply be light to the world. 

Friends just remember John 16:33  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”"

Hearing aids part 2

So the appointment was about an hour. She put one in my ear and began to talk to me. Before she put it in the room was very quiet. But after I heard a fan, and a conversation in the hallway. It shook me a little to think that the world could change so much in a moment. But the cost of this change is a lot and isn't inline with where I believe God is leading my husband and I right now. I have some reasons for this.
1- I've been compensating my whole life and done just fine with it. I miss some things but I can hold a conversation. Hearing aids can make me lose that ability.
2- they are very very costly and God has already given us costly dreams. He has put a specific mission field on our heart that I want to be obedient to. While there are some programs that help with cost for my type of hearing loss they are very very limited.
3- even though they would help with my frustration maybe I just need to learn patience.
4- I don't have a job meaning my income is all loans. If I had one I'd feel better about getting them.
5- hearing loss isn't deadly.
6-my medical problems already cost is quite a bit
7- I don't like spending money on myself


Now some of these ill give u are duly reasons and I'm not saying never to improving my hearing but I am saying not right now when God has given us a big vision to focus on at the moment. My husband would totally support me getting them, he is wonderful, but at this time I don't feel good about it.

Ill keep you posted if I decide to get them in the future. I am going to get a second opinion tomorrow just to be sure I'm Making the right choice.

Hearing aid experience part 1

I'm sitting in the waiting room with a room full of people who are here for Botox injections as my doctor shares a waiting room with a plastic surgeon. I'm waiting for my first appointment where we will discuss a hearing aid. I don't want one, but what I want and what I need might be different. I'm praying that it goes smoothly, isn't too costly, and isn't super uncomfortable. I'm nervous, but I know that God is even here.

I am blessed in that I'm 23 and this is my first hearing aid. The reality is I haven't had one due to not having health insurance as a kid. I failed a hearing test in 5th grade but it was never followed. It wasn't due to lack of concern, but in reality I have learned hearing is a privilege. It's something you can live without but definitely affects your quality of life. Since its not essential to life, it got put off. In my experience I think it slowly declined from bad to worse, but there is no where to know. What I do know is where I am at now. Waiting. Anticipating. And very unsure as to what will occur next except that they will call my name and someone will direct me from there.

I wonder on how much sound I miss out on. I wonder what I don't hear that I should. I imagine the world will be different with a hearing aid, but maye what I missed is what people mutter under their breathe which maybe it's better I didn't hear. I have missed directions, people calling my name, and music playing in businesses .

But now the world will change, potentially for the better. So if you found this because u are looking for advice or information on someone's earring aid experience i will keep you updated on how this goes. And if you read this because you read my blog , then please be praying for me.

Monday Mornings

Ever have a morning that goes far from planned? And in that morning, you forget the great things God did the day before.

Yesterday God blessed me with motivation. I accomplished a lot that I needed to do, sold some books on half.com for some extra income and had a great dinner with my husband and a friend.

But this morning I knew I should have started in the word and instead I got dressed, ate breakfast, lost my patience , love tapped someone's car, and got so wrapped up in the frustration of the morning that I didn't think of the goodness of God. As I was failing Him, acting my shoe size and not my age, He protected me. He protect my car, and another from even a scratch as the metal parts touched. He put His hand over me, when I far from deserved it. The thing is, I never deserve it, but today I was very awake of my undeserving selfish attitude and there He was, protecting me.

"Teach me to do your will,for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground! (Psalm 143:10 ESV)" It is only with God I am on solid ground. And in an instance, I get perspective. I see how ungrateful I was all morning and how God rescued me anyway. You see friends God is continually saving us. Sometimes He allows pain and trial but there is so much He protects us from that we don't see because He covers us. This morning He showed me that He is looking out for me. This morning He let me see something He saved me from. See if our cars hasn't touched I would have not thanked Him from saving me and protecting me but what He showed me is that even if they don't touch it was because He protected me.

And isn't that terrible? That we only thank God when we can see He is working? Hebrews 11:1 says " Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1 ESV)" This morning God showed me how little faith I have. He showed me I expect to see it, when He has called me to believe the unseen, to walk by faith and not by sight. Yet, it's the moment this morning as I am worried that there might be damage to my car, that I got to see His faithfulness demonstrated.

God, forgive me for my shortcomings, for the times I don't trust in the unseen. Forgive me for my lack of faith, when you have shown me nothing but faithfulness. Give me eyes to see your work In the unseen moments of today. Keep your hand protecting me and show me how to honor you today. Forgive me for ignoring your spirit telling me to start in the word this morning. Forgive me for ignoring your reminders. Forgive me for my impatience and selfishness. Thank you for loving me and protecting me because I do not deserve it. Thank you for the grace you show me. Amen.

So this morning didn't go as planned. God showed up, and made all the difference. Friends how had God made your day different? What did He do that you didn't see or maybe you saw but you didn't appreciate.
Praying for you !

John 17

I came across this verse this morning "And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. (John 17:3 ESV)" our eternal life begins with the acceptance of Jesus Christ. Our best rewards are in heaven but we can not say we believe in Jesus just to get out of hell. We actually can be close to him and know Him on earth. For the impatient person I am this is Good News for sure!

Jesus goes on to say I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours. (John 17:9 ESV) what an amazing promise the Christ is praying for his believers ? He is all knowing and what a blessing to have someone who knows everything about me praying for me.

Jesus goes on to speak of His love for us and that we are one with Eachother just as Christ is one with God. I have learned a little but more what that looks like being married but my husband and I are two sinners so while a picture it's still not the fullness of their relationship. "I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. (John 17:23 ESV)" Christ tells me that they only way my husband and I can be more " one" is by having Christ in us and us being in Christ. Makes me think. I know Christ is always in me, but how many moments am I not acting like I am in Christ. He says though we are sanctified by truth "Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. (John 17:17 ESV)"

Then He says "I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them." (John 17:26 ESV)"

It all comes back to love. Gods love. That's what saves us that's what inspires us that's what changes us. His love is what makes us one, it's what covers my sins and fears, it's perfect love that casts out fear.

So what I see today friends is we need to focus on his word to learn about his love and as we simply seek Him that is what makes the light in us. When we know His love we can reflect it. So friends don't focus on the spiritual discipline this week, just study His love His presence and you will taste and see that The Lord is good.

Praying for you friends
Xox

Update and Amy Carmichael

 Hello friends,
Sorry it's been a bit. I have been doing a lot. Between my rotations (now in general pediatrics) and doctors appointments, and time with the husband I find that I haven't made the time to write. Note I said I didn't have the time, because everyone has time we just decide what we spend it on. This morning I feel compelled to write. God woke me up this morning with an amazing challenge: do you really understand calvary love? do you really know what I did for you.

It all sparked when a good friend of mine who had been in bible studies with me, who had read the bible with me, had gone to church with me texted me and said " i don't think I understand salvation." I was dumbfounded. What do I say? Two days later God gave me something to say but I still had that question ringing inside of me. Not because i'm not sure of my own salvation, but how do you put into words the most fantastic thing that ever happened to you? How do you show someone God? And if you understand God, it changes you. There is no way to come in contact with perfect love and it NOT change you. (note I didn't say that it changes you toward God, for someone people it doesn't but it does change them in one way or another). 

And it's in these questions I find that love, like thanks, like prayer, are actions. A christian life is one of action. Sometimes that action is actively humbling ourselves, actively resting in Him. But many times God is calling us toward His will and purpose. And what do we do? ... more... what do I do? question. But this thought rocked me today:

"It seems to me that all He asks is that we should take the one step He shows us, and in simplest, most practical trust leave all results to Him".- Amy Carmichael 

I feel like that with some of my changes lately. Getting married, changing rotations, changing churches, having lots of tests to see what is wrong with my body. Change is constant and yet it's not. My grandma used to quote Ecclesiates 1:9 to me "there is nothing new under the sun" Nothing is new to God. My complacency, failures, doubts aren't new to God, and the ways I grew are revolutionary from the way great christians before me grew. But yet He still patiently cares for me. He loves me. 
and it's His love, thats what makes the difference. That is what changes a man dying on the cross to being a miracle. It's his love and grace that changes the unforgivable to the forgivable. It's His love that softens my heart, that leads me to be thankful, that breaks down my walls, and kindles the fire of the Holy Spirit that God has put deep within me. It's His love that is the perfect love and it's that perfect love that casts out fear. So when I read Mrs. Carmichael's thoughts I see that while in the letter she wrote this she spoke of fears, it was the love inside of her that knew that we needed to just trust God. 

So thats what I'm doing. Trusting Him with the test results, trusting him with today tomorrow next week next year next century. Trusting that He has a plan. Trusting that while I can't see it all he asks is that I take the step he shows and leave all results to Him. and I'm praying that He will renew this thought in my mind that I really will be able to each moment take that step and trust. For me I have to work at this constantly. To walk by faith is so hard at times, but God shows me day by day that He really does work all things to the good of those who love Him. ... and there we are. Back to love. 

Friends, I am praying for you. That you will trust God will the steps that you don't know where they will lead, and that you will come in contact with God's perfect love. 

Labels

I have many labels. In no particular order here are a few:
Student
scholarship recipient
Woman
friend
teacher
dog owner
driver
citizen of the united states
survivor
victim
Wife
child of God
asthmatic
caffeine addict (as I am drinking a pumpkin spice latte)
Facebook friend
redhead
tall
sinner

Sometimes there are things that aren't labeled. Deficiencies that we don't recognize. At times in my life you could have named me some other things:
homeless
fornicating
rude
immature
insecure
orphaned
These I have overcome in many ways.
I got a new label today "Profoudly hearing impaired"
It's something I've known was a problem for a long time. I have always had trouble with the TV being too loud, the phone can only be on my left, not hearing what people say, and definitely misunderstanding people. It's something that I always wanted to ignore because I thought I could compensate. But in my job I'm having trouble doing that. I'm having trouble hearing my husband, my friends, my patience, the stethoscope. These are important.
They want to do an MRI to see if there is any sort of growth on the optic nerve or around it. From there I'll most likely get a hearing aid for my right side.
I feel like it keeps being something. My skin, my ovary, my ear, my lungs...
and yet while the physical problems are so frustrating I see everyday how blessed I am. my blood pressure was 102/66 today. My patients would give their kidneys for blood pressure like that. I can walk, I can talk, I can think, I am blessed.
But these things have been hurting my heart lately. Last night I heard Psalm 13 being preached on. It says:
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?    How long will you hide your face from me?² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?    How long will my enemy triumph over me?³ Look on me and answer, Lord my God.    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;    my heart rejoices in your salvation.⁶ I will sing the Lord’s praise,    for he has been good to me.
I should be in verses 5 and 6. David chooses to say BUT, I TRUST. I know God hasn't forgotten me. I know He hasn't given up and I see Him working. But man am I unsure of what He is doing. I don't know what He is doing at church, at work, with my health. I don't know where He is taking me or where He wants me. But I know He has been so good. My heart rejoices that He has chosen me and has unfailing love for me. But I need to trust, trust that my God has a reason for all of this. Trust that while I don't like MRIs or blood work or skin biopsies or any of that, that there is a reason behind all of it and only God knows what that is but He will do amazing things. I know it.
"Whatever my lot thou has taught me to say It is well it is well with my soul."
<3
Friends praying that no matter where you are that you remember Gods plan. It's ok to have questions, it's ok to be afraid, even Jesus was. But take that to God and God alone. Let your brothers and sisters in Christ encourage you, but it is God alone that knows your hurts and it is God alone that is in control.
Keep praying friends. Keep giving Him your words and your thoughts and your tears. Let your labels be:
good and faithful servent

Even so, it is well with my soul.

Marriage

God has blessed me so much with an amazing husband. Right now i'm in the middle of cooking dinner for us. I say us because if I say him he will say "but your eating it too" but if you know me your know I wouldn't be cooking if it weren't for him. :)

My rotation in internal medicine has put me around a lot of elderly people and I have gotten a lot of thoughts about marriage from them.

A couple today came in. Been married 62 years. They were friends- you could see it. They were so sweet and talked quite a bit. She was a bit more shy, he was very analytical. They talked about helping each other " I don't know if you helped me more or I helped you more. It's the same no matter what. we are working together"

I saw woman yesterday been married for 70 years. She said the trick to marriage is not to insist on your own way. She said her marriage was a gift from God.

I had a guy a few days ago... was married for 58 years. She died two years ago and he still tears up about it. He told me "Don't ever take jobs where you don't see each other, and don't argue because you both bound to say something you don't mean.

I've had couples tell me that they are best friends, that they couldn't have made it without each other.
I've had couples argue and then laugh.


But i've also seen couples put one another down. I've seen them be cruel, and rude and ungrateful. I've seen them be together but not love each other. I've seen them be bitter and it is heart breaking.

But today I had a guy who has been married for 35 years. I talked to him about stewarding his health not just for him but for her too. We talked a long time about God and life and marriage and reading together (the patient brought up God first I just allowed him to talk- i say that because it's not "politically correct" for me to talk about God at work, but honestly-- I see God moving there). And I have to say I pray Paul and I make it to 35, 62, 70 years. But if we don't it won't be because we gave up- it will be because one of us dies. Divorce isn't an option and I explained to a guy today if you start with divorce as an option you won't feel the need to work it out when it gets hard you can walk away. But if you say "this has to work. failure isn't an option" I really believe you will make it work. How do I know?

I had a patient today who was in a car accident 12 years ago and it left him disabled. If you saw him your heart would be sad for him but he said to me that if your still breathing you can make anything work. I don't know if he knew the implications of that statement, and I agree with one condition- You can make anything work with God if you are still breathing.

God has blessed Paul and I so much and I'm so glad He is what our marriage is built on. All the other thoughts on marriage I've heard have been sweet but truly no advice replaces the Holy Spirit's guidance.

<3

I know that with Paul's help and God leading no matter what comes today, tomorrow, or how ever long God blesses us with life here on earth.

Songs of Solomon 5:16 says "this is my lover, this is my friend"  So blessed God designed marriage for love and friendship. I'm married to my best friend and the most amazing blessing.

friends, please if you are married appreciate the gift it is, and if you aren't, please wait for lover and friend that God created for you. Don't settle. Praying for you and your marriages is either presently or in the future that they would be focused on God and led by the Spirit.

<3

faith in the face of fear

Hi friends,
How are you? 

I start hundreds of posts in my head for this blog, and half the time I don't write. Why? partly because there are things that I only have a few word comments on..nothing post worthy. What do I mean?
- So many people believe in God but they miss that Jesus is the way the truth and the light.
- I have the cutest doggie ever.
- Marriage is a continual learning experience, but I am so thankful for it. 

see these are one line thoughts, good ones, but still not enough to do a whole post on it. 

Today though I have something that is in my mind. Fear. Now I'm the same person that will tell you that Fear Not is commanded more in the bible than anything else...but so much easier said than done. And yet I know what I need is faith. the bible says: "If you are not firm in faith, you will not be firm at all"- Isaiah 7:9 These words are SO true, and I know that Faith is assurance of the things unseen. Why is it so difficult though? Why is it so hard to have faith in the place of fear?  I think several factors play into it. 

1- our world isn't generally positive, but rather teaches you really quickly not only do you not always get what you think you deserve but also shows you really quickly that sometimes life makes no sense. 
2- the most optimistic person I know is my husband. It's one of the reasons I married him. He is the man that will pray for a miracle longer than anyone else. He's the guy who I know hands down will not give up. He has a faith in the face of fear that I admire, but also makes me feel ridiculous to fear at all and yet I fear things just the same. I pray to be more like Paul because I know his faith is the childlike faith that Christ said we need to have. I'm so blessed to have him. While I appreciate him, honestly, I don't know anyone else who is so optimistic. When we were getting married people were telling us that we were nuts and Paul wasn't phased, he just had faith. Paul helps me to stretch my faith and i'm so thankful for it, but I don't know anyone else like him. So many people share so much of their fear so easily and I see so much of it that maybe it makes it easier to fear than have faith.
3-being a woman. I honestly think women fear more than men. Maybe because God made us the weaker vessel. Maybe because of the estrogen. I don't know.
4- satan wants us to fear. he is continually feeding us lies telling us to fear, but in my life in the last 3 or so weeks I've seen this more and more. 

So what am I afraid of?
- Wednesday I have a dermatology appointment. I'm scared of them finding something. I'm scared of  surgery again. I'm scared of having more scars. I'm scared of missing school time and graduating late. 
-I'm scared of being a bad wife. 
-I'm scared of being a bad mom to my doggie gracie. (realized this past week we could be feeding her better food....fail on my part.)
-i'm scared of my final for internal medicine. it's very broad and I don't really like it in the first place and i'm afraid of failing
- i'm afraid of the unknown.

I don't have answers to fear except to circle Gods promises and have faith. But the jump between fear and faith is hard. I know the bridge between the two is Christ so i'm just trusting that He will show me the two. I know God has the plan, and maybe I'm not supposed to admit that I have fears but if I am being honest then I do have fears. I know God is bigger than my fears, but I have them nonetheless. So what choice do I have? 
pray.
sometimes all you can do is read and pray and that sounds like nothing and yet it's everything. 
so I'm praying that God will calm my fears and that He will help me to overcome all my fears. I'm praying that He will strengthen my faith and that He will show me where to go and what to do in all of these situations.Gotta put on the armor of God and just trust him to do the battle. 

Friends I'm sure you have fears to but I pray that you will let Christ bridge you to having faith. 

<3

Ephesians 2:11-23

On Sundays I teach a class at my church for women. We haw been studying the book of Ephesians and in 2:11-23 we see Paul write about the beautiful gift if unity bought through Christ. I asked the ladies what makes them feel different and at first they said nothing but then slowly the suggest things like martial status, age, jobs but I couldn't help but wonder what else makes them feel alone.

What makes me feel alone?
No parents- hardest questions for me to answer are " so where does your family live?" Not having parents separates me from most.
Marriage- many of my friends are single and while I love my husband having one has changed my friendships so much that some friends have really distanced themselves: this is sad to me. Granted I got a sweet husband but I still feel the difference
Teaching - so often I'm seen as the teacher that people don't see the social side of me.
My age- being young separates me bc in years I'm young but I'm not interested in what most 23 year olds are doing. I'm also young compared to my church.

I'm sure other ways but that's what I have right now. I didn't say any of this this morning bc I don't feel like I can. The ladies are mostly willing only to stick to the surface that I'm not sure how much to say. I also don't know them well but I'm trusting God has a plan.

Friends we are all one in Christ. Not alone not different all children of God. Enjoy that. Hold on to it. And remember that as you walk around our world.

Africa, marriage,bridges Oh my!

I'm so glad God put on my heart to start writing again. Because here I am... and i have so much to say. So much I want to get off my chest and out of my head, So much to process. and so much I can't write on here.

Where to begin.

God has given me an Africa...and I'm learning about Africa's customs and I have to say. I'm sure it is just satan trying to make me feel like i shouldn't be there but I wonder if these customs I am learning about are truly something I should consider. I'm going with it's spiritual warfare until otherwise proven. Honestly, there is no coincidence in my mind that the day after I talked to my husband about our Africa I found out these things. (if your confused ...it's  not the real Africa. I read an awesome book that talked about figuring out what your "anything" that God would call you to is. ... I've termed it my Africa so I can view it as mission work.) It's no coincidence when God starts to change my heart that something else is revealed. Now the question is, can I go to Africa despite what I have learned. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Phil 4:13.

Marriage is hard. not mine specifically but in general. (no marriage is 100% easy.) I have a good friend call me this morning about her marriage. 8 am and we were talking about the importance of focusing on God not each other. On praying and how powerful that is. About trusting God in the hard times. About being respectful to a husband who doesn't demonstrate behavior that could explain it. I am so blessed that my husband is kind to me. Do we have our moments...ABSOLUTELY. We are human. But the general nature of our marriage is that of a kind and loving marriage where I try and respect and help him and he tries to love and lead me. Its heartbreaking to see the marriages that aren't built on that and it gives that more motivation for me to be praying to be a good wife for Paul. It also helps me see how important I need to be encouraging and sharing with women and teaching them because I think that the majority of marriages are in this boat of strife. I hoping the marriages in the church that aren't in this boat will start mentoring and ministering to those who are or those who are newly married. I know my husband and I have wanted to meet with a married couple or couples to learn about this, but it seems all the married couples are already friends with each other and unless your 75 or have kids you don't fit. Why not be proactive and teach us from the beginning. It's one of the times I'm so sad I didn't grow up in a christian home. Sure I grew up with people who know about God, but not people who were loving to each other. All examples I saw of marriage were that of anger, power struggle, disrespect, and thats not the best example. I'm not downing on family, i'm more making the point that I want to see a marriage that is like the one I hope ours will be. I don't know that God has that in store for us right now.

I've been reading a lot about the divide between the world and Christians and even then the divide between people who say they are christians and those who really are running after God. It just is so frustrating that satan just wants to divide us all so much. He teaches the world we all need to be individuals. but unity is a gift from Christ. This division we see tear apart families, churches, relationships, marriage, and much more. We are all children of God. That's the bridge between all of these sides, and yet it is so sad that we don't use that bridge.

i had a sweet sweet afternoon yesterday with two of my girlfriends. I am so blessed by them and we just had a sweet time of walking around the outlet mall and talking. They prayed for Africa. They encourage me. and it's a blessing to have women who are running after God with me. So blessed!

alright friends. I'm going to stop here.

Keep praying for God's presence to just infiltrate our churches and our lives. I know this wasn't a post about a passage but hopefully some of it encouraged you.
<3

Sad goodbyes.

Today was my last day I my first rotation. When I started pediatric ENT I planned on being ok with it but I was scared. I didn't plan on loving it. I didn't plan on praying so much for my preceptor and coming to see her as a friend. I didn't expect to cry my eyes out as I drove away. I didn't plan on coming to Starbucks and blogging about it but truly the last 6 weeks changed me. I know Gods timing is perfect but leaving is still sad. I had good days frustrating moments but I grew in patience and in confidence in my skills. I learned to get respect despite my young age. I learned to leave the outside world outside and leaned to truly smile no matter what. I learned to comfort. I learned to tea h. I learned to reassure. I learned to make kids leave glowing.

It's funny. I chose to be a pa so that my job wouldn't be my life. But truly I see how it can be a beautiful part of my life and how much I can affect others and display Gods glory. So blessed. So sad to leave that blessing as I think the next one will be harder I know God had a plan. Till them I'm praying circles around the job ill get. When I graduate and praying that tomorrow's test goes well.

Friends find a job you love. That you would cry to leave its so worth it. All he hard work all the nights I got no sleep. Moving to Orlando turning my life upside down losing friends.... It was all worth it.

Alright... Now to the books.

What if you told God you would do anything He called you to?

Anything by Jennie Allen is a book I just read in... 2 days. Honestly, it would have been faster had I not had to study. I'm on a committed reading kick and I want to get through the billion books I've been capturing from free downloads, and amazon 99 cent deals or just ones people have recommended. I brought the book to work and in between patients I read, and honestly thought to myself "why don't i cling to the bible like this?" My quick answer to myself was "your bible is too big to just flip open read a line and then go back to life" which... is true because I have a study bible, but i have the bible on my phone. It could be that the book spells it all out, while the bible makes me really think and have to decide what God is showing me. Ultimately, I learned I need to be in the word more. and the word is the Bible.

But--- it was a GREAT book! It really captured a lot of things in my heart and I honestly am still trying to process them. quick thoughts from it

1. my life is comfortable. despite the things it is missing compared to most of the world i'm living like royalty.
2. i'm so thankful for my husband
3. I can't want to have children
4. I have an idea what my "anything" is... but i'm still praying on it.
5. follow Jesus is costly but worth it.
6.  I'm so far from having it all figured out and am so thankful that our God is gracious.

other thoughts:
- she makes a point that when we live radically for God we shock Christians more than anyone else. I believe that to be a truth....but a heartbreaking truth. that so many are signing on to saying they are a christian without even realizing that believing the writings of the bible and truly trusting Him were never meant to be separated. You are for Him or against Him but thats not what sells so instead people will only buy false gospels saying life will be without pain with Jesus. False. Life will still be painful it just will have purpose and the pain will stop when you leave the earth.
- I am a mess. wholeheartedly 100% straight up mess.
-again. I'm so thankful for my husband. How he loves me so much is amazing to me.
- Paul writes in ephesians asking for prayer that He would be able to fearlessly proclaim the mysteries of the gospel for which He is in chains. These verses have resonated with me for a while but I'm wondering how much more i need that prayer. Paul was so bold. I'm so full of insecurity and fear that I'm not bold about anything.
- what was God thinking putting me in charge of two women's groups. seriously. Definitely wasn't on my list of to do's and I still feel like I'm winging it. So thankful that God has it covered and is guiding my steps there because honestly I definitely couldn't do it without Him.
- I have some amazing friends. truly.
-
I've missed blogging.
"Do the things you once did" says the bible.
I once wrote. I once wrote all the time. I wrote a book, and another. I wrote many blogs and now I write this one. Ive written journals, letters to my husband, and cards. and something about my heart just opens up with words on a screen or a page and yet I don't do this enough. Not enough time....or rather complacency... or rather sometimes I just don't want to explore those real parts. Becoming like Jesus is a hard task and a painful one. I want my heart to be more like Mary's "Yes Lord, I'm your servant. whatever you want" (paraphrased). She knew it would cost her everything, but she didn't care.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm hesitant to truly share with people, but I'm sometimes even afraid to share with myself. And yet I'm not the only one. I have women who tell me they are afraid to pray. I thank God that He loves me enough to break me into someone who has to pray to survive each day. I definitely need to start opening up my prayer life more. I'm miss sunday night prayer group. A lot.

and this... has been the most unplanned, unstructured and rambling blog but truly...it's all things floating around in my head.
I think I'll leave it here.
Sorry this might be purposeless but this one is just for me.
praying for you friends. <3

i struggle.

Dara Maclean is a christian artist who is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. Her lyrics are beautiful and so full of truth and raw feeling. She has a song "Yours Forever" Some of the words say the following:

Thank You for finding me when You did
You changed my life, now I believe
That love is all, that I'll ever need
I promise my heart and all that I am
I'm Yours forever my love


Can I just say... AMEN! I was just overcome today by grace and excitement over Christ finding me when He did and that He completely changed my life. I've been teaching women at my church about the book of Ephesians and on Sunday we really talked about what it looks like to be changed. 
I am so thankful for God and all He has done in my life and I honestly am just amazed by it. 
But that line - I promise my heart and all that I am-- is easy to say but some days hard to discern what that looks like. I truly and honestly want my heart and all that I am to be in Christ but there are so many nooks and cranes that unbelief hides in that I am wondering what it is I don't believe God for. 
I believe He sent His son
I believe His son died and rose again to save me
I believe He is able
I believe He is a gracious and merciful and loving but Just
I believe He will never leave me or forsake me
I believe He doesn't cause evil but allows it because He is bigger enough to work through it
I believe that He gave us free will, but He knows what we are going to do
I believe He gives me every good and perfect gift. Nothing is coincidence or by chance. I did nothing. It's all from Him. 

But i struggle with trusting His timing.
I struggle with having faith when I can't see whats next
I struggle with believing He will give me the words when I'm teaching or sharing
I struggle with doubt and wondering if I really should be teaching or sharing.
I struggle abandoning a desire for acceptance from those who don't understand my beliefs
I struggle with patience.
I struggle with forgiveness. 
I struggle with trust
I struggle. completely. 
i struggle with letting go of the past. my past mistakes, failures. my shortcomings. other peoples mistakes and hurts. 


I want to grow so much. i want to be running after God so fast and so hard that I'm not thinking about anything else, but it's hard. It's a constant renewal of my mind and a constant changing of my heart through prayer and being in the word. i struggle making enough time to spend a lot of time in the word. I struggle with fear of sharing and offending people even though saving someone's life shouldn't be offensive. 

So friends. I'm praying for the things I struggle in, and praying for women to teach me, keep me accountable and grow me. I've been so blessed with the beautiful friends God has given me and I'm excited to see some of them growing a lot lately. I believe He will continue to bless me and encourage me through these friends and I just feel a tug to be learning more. From what avenue I don't know, only time will tell. 

What do you struggle with? honestly. 
It's easy to paint the picture we have it all together but truth is: we are all big messes and the only thing thats good in me is Christ. I'm praying for you. That God would help you see the places you are struggle and would grow you in them. I'm praying the same for myself. So excited to see what He will do :) 

Only God can fill the need inside you

Hello friends!

Between marriage, clinicals starting, and a new womens group i'm teaching, I have been very busy. One of the things I find coming up a lot I wanted to give a quick post on. 

Ladies. A man will not fill all your needs. 

ok it's out there. I just contradicted most love songs, chikflicks and reality shows. I have the most amazing husband and I promise- while he is so many things, he can't fill the spot in my heart that God made especially for Himself.  Why am I telling you this? because it took me a long time to learn that a guy wasn't all I needed. (thankfully I learned this before I met my husband, but I learned it the hard way).  I learned that someone to "love me" wouldn't make everything better.  Now that I know what real love is, I know that even when i did believe that, it was always empty because I didn't have love that was from God, or a lover that was given by God. But even with an amazing, God fearing husband, I can tell you there is a place that only Jesus fills. Though my husband can hug me physically, it's into my heavenly father's arms I have to run each day.  My husband teaches me ABOUT God...but he isn't supposed to be my god. The grace he shows me is something that has taught me about God's grace. The love he has shown me has taught me about God's love. The understanding he has for me has taught me about God's understanding. But at the end of the day, I need God. I need God to help me in the moments my husband can't. I need God's plan and faithfulness in every moment, and his spirit to help me and comfort me. His word says: "I made you. I am now your husband. My name is The Lord Who Rules Over All. I am the Holy One of Israel. I have set you free. I am the God of the whole earth." Isaiah 54:5 (NIRV)"  He is saying... even though I gave you a husband, I'm still God of the whole earth and I'm still your first love. 

Today I had a mom of a patient share with me some of her struggles with addiction. She shared that she could quit, if her husband was on board, but she didn't feel strong enough to do it without him.  If I had to guess, based on our conversation, she wasn't a christian. It wasn't a time or place that I was allowed to share with her, but my heart went out to her. So many women don't know that their husband leads them, even when leading badly and they long for that strength and comfort. I think in all of us is that desire for God, just so many look for the world to fill it, and it's easy for women to look for men to fill it. I promise ladies- even the best husband won't be everything you need. Even if you have a husband, God fills things in you that no human can. and He is the only thing before your husband on the priority list. 

Ladies I'm praying for you to find your strength and hope in God first, and not look for it from a man, or you will always come up short. Men, I'm praying you will love God first, and lead the ladies closer to Him. Friends, put God first and I promise, you won't regret it. He will fill the hole that you try and fill but seems to have no closure. He will heal the wound that seems to not heal and He will never leave or forsake you. That's a promise, not from me but from Him. 

<3 

experience

C.S. Lewis:  Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.

Our experiences shape us. They teach us things that books can't. They help to shape how we view the world. They are inevitable and everyone's experiences are different. For some people those experiences might give certain of the world, of God and of people. 

For instance, someone who lives a really sheltered life, might not think to be cautious with strangers, because maybe they don't know some of the danger that could posses. Yet someone who has been hurt by a stranger, might be overly cautious in the view of those around them. No matter what your experiences are they teach you and grow you. I believe God gives you each of your experiences to shape you. He's soverign and allows things to happen to make you more like Christ and to give Him glory. 

Sometimes though, you might not see how experience shaped your view. For instance if you experience was that everyone in the world is safe and there is nothing to fear, it might sound foreign to you the first time you hear about someone who was robbed. You might not know until this happened that what you thought about the world, a situation, or a person was wrong. 

That's the problem with experience friends. I agree that you learn, but do you always learn the best lessons? I know my experiences have taught me a lot, but I definitely think it's been more on the side that there are things to fear in the world and at times that makes me overly worried. It's something God and I work through everyday. 

Yesterday I learned that a view that I had was completely twisted and I didn't even know it. It's a personal view so I'm not going to share what it was specifically, but as I was hearing someone else's views I began to realize that what I had classified as "normal" or " that's just how it is" was really not normal or how the world really works. 

And can I just say it makes me wonder... what other things that I don't know. I'm praying that God will show them to me and I wanted to encourage you to do the same. Ask God to show you the things that the world has taught you that are not from Him. I want to see the world the way God does. I'm not saying I want to know everything God does but I want Him to change the things in me that I don't know need to be changed. 

We see in this same desire in the Psalms. 

Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!

Psalm 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

In some ways He has really changed my heart and given me a renewed spirit. In the big ways that "christians" should act. Note I didn't change. HE changed me and I'm SO thankful for that!!!! But what I do pray now is that I would learn the smaller things that aren't as obvious and that I would open to it. 

Friends I hope this is your prayer as well. that you would let God search you and grow you in ways you don't even know you need to grow. <3

They shall be mine, says the Lord of hosts

Lately I've had God really speaking to me in church. Not in the sermon. not in the worship. not in something someone said to me or in a bible study/fellowship class. But just when I'm there I find Him bringing me to places in the bible I don't frequent often. Last week Philemon, Titus, Habakkuk. This week Malachi, and some other places that I might take you through in other posts.

Today it was Malachi

The book begins with the Lord's declaration of love for Israel and God explaining how their offerings aren't pure.

A son honors his father, and a servant his master. If then I am a father, where is my honor? And if I am a master, where is my fear? says the Lord of hosts to you,- Malachi 1:6.

He goes on to tell the priests that they aren't honoring Him. They aren't loving Him and yet they are asking for blessing and that God's blessing isn't guaranteed. It's a gift. He speaks to the church leaders who have given unclean offerings, who have cried at the alter but don't bring their joy, those who cheat on their wives. He calls them faithless. He calls them cursed.

In Malachi 3:1 He says -Behold, I send my messenger, and he will prepare the way before me.

That's Jesus.

See friends. as I read the book of Malachi in church this morning (even though the sermon was on 1 corinthians and how we are all important members of the body of Christ-- good message but God had another one) I found that we are like this. We bring God the unclean offering, we don't set our hearts completely on Him, we don't honor Him as much as He deserves, we don't obey Him like He calls. But He sent Jesus to help us,to refine us, to save us. He sent Him to make us blameless, who had no blame. He sent Him to pay the price, who had no debt. And thus we are called to repentance. Daily. more than daily.

I think back about what was it that I never learned as a kid. what's the piece I missed and that's it: repentance. Thats not simply conviction or confession. It's a changing of your mind that is done by the holy spirit which we are given because of Christ.

The book ends with these verses 3:17 and 18-  “They shall be mine, says the Lord of hosts, in the day when I make up my treasured possession, and I will spare them as a man spares his son who serves him. 18 Then once more you shall see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between one who serves God and one who does not serve him.

Friends- is there a difference between you and the world? God says there will be a distinction. That He will spare those who serve Him. (note I'm not saying you earn your salvation by being good enough. We are saved by grace but the mark of that salvation is repentance.) Friends are you growing? are you bearing fruit? or are you one of the many that cries "Lord Lord" but doesn't KNOW Him?  I can't answer this for you. But I just felt like God was showing me how important it is to know which side of the fence you are on. God loved us so much He sent His messanger. He wanted to save us. To help us turn from our sin both from nature and choice. He wanted to care for us, and so He sacrificed His son. What have you sacrificed for Him? What have you given up for Christ. What have you not repented of? and what are you waiting for?

I know. It's scary. It's hard. But you dont' need to be fearless just ask the Holy Spirit for strength. You only need to be strong enough to say "i can't do this alone I need You (God)" 

"They shall be mine, says the Lord of hosts"

Friends. Be His. I promise it's the most important decision you will ever make. Nothing in this world will satisfy or compare. 

Titus 1:16

God has been teaching me a lot and I'm so thankful for that.Sometimes God shows you things that are hard to wrap your mind around. I've been praying a lot about women I am discipling and came across this verse: 

Titus 1:16 "They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good."

Now those are some harsh words that Paul wrote. But we know all scripture is inspired by the Holy Spirit. And the context of this information is where Paul is writing to Titus and passing on his knowledge. He talks about rebuking those who fail to do good and it's something God brought me to in the word today. Something that has rocked my world. I may have read this verse before but the realities of it have been hitting me. I know what Jesus says about being lukewarm. I know that many will say Lord Lord but they don't know Him. But not only do they not know Him even though they say they do, not only are they something to be spit out, but this group of people in the world that gives lip service to being a christian but they dont' know him. This verse doesn't sugar coat that. This verse rips apart anything that says "well I'll get to it" or "God knows my heart" This verse... is heartbreaking to me because I know so many that have "Christian" on their facebook profile but then if you took a peek through their pictures and statuses you would think something didn't add up.

I was this person. I had a "Jesus Fish" on my foot, but those same feet where carrying me a lot of places I shouldn't have been.

detestable

disobedient

not fit for doing anything good.

these words keep echoing in my head. Because this is what I was named until I truly learned about the grace of God. I'm SO thankful that God turned my life around. I'm so thankful that He didn't let me keep walking around being...detestable. disobedient. not fit for anything good. and it breaks my heart that I know people that are still here. (Please not I'm not calling anyone these things. I'm just talking about what the bible says.)  I wish I could say that my past mistakes are a thing of the long long long distant past but they aren't. They affect who I am today. They affect how I deal with situations, the things that hold me back from running after God faster, they pop up in my dreams, ect. But here's the thing, I always knew I wasn't honoring God, but I always thought I'd get to it, or it was ok because I already had messed up or I took advantage of knowing that we are forgiven in Christ.

So what's my point?

Friends. There are people right now in your life that are here and we have an opportunity to encourage them and grow them. We have the ability to help share truth with them, be accountability with them, disciple them. We can be praying for them.

Now the sad truth is some of you reading this might think "well I'm a christian but maybe my life doesn't reflect it's ok." I'm going to say this: It's not ok. Not because I am saying that but the bible says that, Jesus said that. but what I need to say most is that God does want you. No matter what you've done, where you have been, how much you haven't honored Him He wants you. He doesn't want you to be called these things He wants to call you His. Beloved. Saved. Forgiven. Paid for.

So if you find yourself convicted by that verse then stop now and talk to God. You don't have to know how to do everythign you just need to know how to ask Him for help.

and if you read that verse and you know people who are lost and they don't know it start discipling them. help them. Don't let them stay where they are at. You wouldn't walk away from an injured person asking you for help, but yet we walk away from people who are missing so much more. Let stop just watching them with judgement and start loving them.

Let's love God and love people. those are the greatest commandments. <3