First and Lasts

I'm sitting in the dark on the couch with my baby asleep on my chest. He's 3 months old and when he was a newborn he would sleep like this all the time. As he's gotten older and allowed me to put him down I have done things while he's been sleeping like laundry and cleaning and eating. But today we sat down to pray the rosary...and he fell asleep around the second decade. I thought it would be a quick little nap but he's still asleep and holding tight. I've been so excited to count his firsts like the first time he grabbed at a toy, babbled at me, or giggled. The firsts are so numerous as he is so new.

But it's the lasts on my heart tonight. When will be the last time he sleeps on me like this? When will be the last time just my smile brings so much joy to him? When will be the last time I'll get to kiss his cheeks as many times as I want before he's too excited to run and play?

You see the firsts come fast... but I'm afraid the lasts will come faster. I'm afraid they will go sneakily unnoticed if I don't pay attention. As we get busy with the days and he starts sleeping more at night (most nights anyway) I know it won't be long before time has passed and with it little things will be replaced with new ones. Firsts will replace lasts. I already can't tell you hen the last time I saw his startle reflex was. I haven't seen it in a while but when was the last? When did his hand get big enough to hold more than just my pinky? When was the last night where he refused to sleep anywhere but on me? He's already lived 25% of a year and that little amount flew by. If its any indication of time I know the minutes aren't long enough.

So I'm going to sit here in the dark. With the laundry half done, and the house a little messy just typing this little note on my phone to remind myself that I need to remember the firsts, but oh dear I hope I can remember the lasts.  The last little glimmer of day light is going down and I'll never get these moments back and while I don't think this is my last night holding him like this...the last will come one night and it may come unannounced and unsuspecting. So I'm going to treat today as if it's a last so I can look back and remember this because this is a perfect moment and I am beyond blessed to be this kid's mom.