I'm not just looking for answers I'm looking for truth.

I've been learning so much about the word of God, and about God himself. In the last 6 days my eyes have been opened to a lot of new things and I have to say it is a little scary I quick I have been to believe just what people tell me instead of researching it myself. I'm not just looking for answers I'm looking for truth.

This puts me at a crossroads.

But then I remember Amy Carmichael.

"If I am afraid to speak the truth, lest I lose affection, or lest the one concerned should say, "You do not understand," or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness; if I put my own good name before the other's highest good, then I know nothing of Calvary love."


At times I'm afraid to share truth and yet what I should care most about is the other's good. them knowing the truth. Unfortunately truth isn't always met with a smile or welcoming ears.

And yet I know that Jesus didn't sugar coat truth to not turn people away. 

He wanted them to know the truth. To know the God of the bible and the more I read and the more I learn about the God of the bible the more I see that the story that is being told about Him by much of the world is incorrect. 

All I can say is thank you. 

Thank you God for what you have been showing me. 

Thank you God for allowing me to seek and find you. 

Thank you for all that you are and all that you do. 

<3

New Lessons through Marriage

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

This song- How He loves by David Crowder Band is one that I have heart in several churches. Its a beautiful song, but one that for a long time I had a hard time grasping. How could God be jealous for me? Isn't jealousy bad? These were the sorts of questions I had. 

My husband has been teaching me a lot about righteous anger and the type of jealousy this song talks about. He has been showing me what a heart that is completely full of love for me looks like and has shown me what sinking in grace might look like. Does he loves me as much as God? No. not possible. But he loves me more than anyone ever has and that love, that picture he draws for me each day, is one that continues to help me understand that if my husband can love me as much as he does, and that times a billion or more is how much God loves me and I have to say its that picture that has really grown me. We have been married a little over 6 months now and I'm amazed at what a picture marriage is and I am so thankful for God providing such an amazing man for me to see just a glimpse of His love for me. 

It's that love that I feel in His presence and its that love i'm pursuing. 

<3

Anita

Hebrews 2:1-4

1Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it. 2For since the message declared by angels proved to be reliable, and every transgression or disobedience received a just retribution, 3how shall we escape if we neglect such a great salvation? It was declared at first by the Lord, and it was attested to us by those who heard, 4while God also bore witness by signs and wonders and various miracles and by gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will.

-Hebrews 2:1-4

The idea of thinking about drifting away is something that at this point in my life seems incomprehensible and yet I know that even Paul the apostle wrote that He hoped to finish the race well. If the guy who wrote more of the new testament than anyone else was hoping to finish well then I definitely need to keep reminding myself that salvation is not a one time deal. I'm saved, and being saved. God sent the message through the angels, spoke it Himself, sent testaments, bore signs and wonders and miracles, and used the Holy Spirit to show us that Christ is Lord through Him comes salvation. It says the message proclaimed by angels has held true. God knew that we would need more than just "because I said so" so He continues to say things that remind us of his faithful consistent message.

The gospel message is one to remember each day, one to recommit to, not one to be taken and then just forgotten. We are to pick up our crosses daily, surrender to God, and pursue Him and His will. How often to I miss days? more than I would like to admit. I get "busy" or complacent, and if we call it what it really is I get selfish with my time thinking that it is my time which is really a gross falsehood. It's God's time- all of it. 

So on day 2 I'm remember that. I'm remember to pursue Him and His presence alone. 

He is an amazing God worthy to be praised. 

<3

Anita

40 days

For 40 days a group of some of the most amazing women I know and I are going to pursue after God and His presence. We aren't going to be seeking out of curiosity, we aren't going to be seeking comfort or finances or gifts or anything else but just His presence. I know God will bless us in these others ways in this time, but my hope and heart is that each one of us would find a new appreciate for just moments with our savior.

There are some days where my heart just breaks for our world and today was one of them. It is so hard to hear people have so much hate and anger toward God and His word. While I can be praying, it still saddens me that they might never know Gods love and comfort and reminds me how many times I take it for granted precious moments that I could be spending growing and learning more about my savior and His word.

I'm guilty. 

I'm a sinner. 

I go to God for comfort, for answers to my growing list of questions, for help. None of this is sinful but what I hope to seek is just His presence. Just Him. 

I found myself today calling on God many times. For patience as I saw patients. For help to see them as He sees them, for comfort as my heart was breaking, for understanding, for answers, for help. But not once did I ask "God what would you have me say" "God what would you have me do." Each time I went to Him was with an agenda of what I wanted, and I hope to develop a heart of thankfulness that says "Lord whatever you want." 

There are so many places in my life right now where that is a question. 

--In my work as I am a new rotation in an urgent care center with new clients, new people I'm working with, and with new challenges. The hours are longer than my other rotations. 

--In my church, or lack there of. The last year or so of church has been one that has left me both with questions and convictions. I thought we had found it until two sundays ago some things the pastor said really made it clear it wasn't the church for us. 

-In my future job that I will have

-timing for things like puppies, babies, moving, act

-where we are going to live after August. 

A lot of unknowns. 

But I need to obey in the known first. What's known is that I need to spend more time with God, and in His word. What's known is I need to write more and what's known is that I need to really put that first. What's known is that the only way I'm going grow is going to be to surrender to God, and to let Him lead the way. 

So for the next 40 days that's what I'm doing. 

Starting today and ending on easter. I hope to keep you all updated. Please feel free to join in if you would like and keep me updated as to how you are going to commit over these 40 days. 

Keep me in your prayers please and let me know how I can pray for you. 

<3

Anita

Clean vs. Unclean: What I learned in pediatric neurosurgery

In the last 6 weeks I have been in a pediatric neurosurgery rotation. It was an amazing opportunity and I loved it, but it definitely is a job that requires some emotional strength. You see patients who were healthy, and then got in a car accident resulting in a traumatic brain injury, physical devastation, and a lifetime of pain. You see children with tumors, you see babies that have been abused resulting in bleeding in and on the brain. You see patients who are born with chromosomal and anatomical abnormalities. And in seeing all this you grow one way or another.

My first week and a half I found myself overwhelmed with sadness. My first patient was a non accidental trauma child and I just couldn't understand how someone could take a baby home from the hospital and a short time later hurt them. To me that was obvious sin. To me I was overwhelmed with how helpless these children were and how no matter what the neurosurgery team did many of the children would never get to go run around a playground, go to disney world, play with a puppy. I started praying for my patients one by one that God would help them, encourage them, and that God would make himself known to them so that one day they would see the beauty of heaven. I began to see that what I was seeing is not how God created the world. He created us whole, and sin entered the world and results in the devastation. I became keenly aware that it is because of sin that I have a career that I'm about to start. In the garden there was no illness, no heartbreak.

Genesis 1:27 says "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." In God's image. In the perfect and holy image of God we were created. The first thing God does after creation in verse 28 "And God blessed them." He goes on to give them responsibility and gifts and in verse 31 He said "And God saw everything that he had made and behold it was very good." -- It was very good. I can't say that the things I was seeing I would call "very good." What I can say is that despite what I was seeing God was doing very good things. What I came to see is that sin has so impermeated our society that we no longer call it sin we call it sickness. Now I want to be clear I do not believe that when a child is sick that its because of the parents sin. I also don't' believe that God makes people sick, He is perfect, but He does allow sin to be apart of our world and does allow the consequences of the garden to still exist here on earth. That being said- I'm saying that because of the sin that has entered our world we do have illness, and heartbreak and the like.  The bible promises that in this world we will have trouble but we are to take heart Jesus has overcome the world. That being said- illness is not a result of not believing enough. Even Jesus who was perfect died on the cross. He believed more than anyone so if sin and death can devastate a perfect man's body then we are not exempt. It is by the grace of God we have any health at all.

In the Operating Room I found that there are distinct lines between "clean" and "unclean." Jesus lived in a world like that, only the clean and unclean weren't marked with blue drapes.  In the operating room there are a lot of precautions taken to lessen infection. Hair is to be covered, jewelry is to be removed, drapes are used, a long hand washing process, and a requirement to keep your hands above your waste but below your shoulders. Your first time it's a lot to think about. But what was amazing to me is in the OR we only cover the unclean to make it clean temporarily. Everytime I was in the OR I was thinking about this paradox, between the clean and unclean. How our world was clean and now it's unclean and we are only seen as clean in Christ.

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.- 1 John 1:7 It is by the blood of Christ that we are MADE clean. Not covered with drapes but cleansed. and that cleansing is a gift that we didn't earn. I came to a place where I learned more about grace. It is by grace I am in this program, by grace I am mostly healthy, by grace I have a husband, by grace I have today on this earth. None of these things are earned by me. It is by grace I have been saved. It was when I started to really put all this together that I still prayed for my patients, but I prayed also that God would just shine through me. Friends it is exhausting to try and live a life for Christ, but when you let Christ live a life through you it takes you places you never thought, to conversations you didn't plan, to a compassion you couldn't know without Him and a heart for those you don't know.

Friends, in all this I want you to see that anything we have is a blessing from God through Christ.  While God can bless us when we aren't christians, the true blessing comes from Christ. Thats when salvation happens, thats when a new heart is given, thats when the spirit that died in us in the garden is replaced with the holy spirit. That's when we can see blessing in the world that is muddled with sin. That's when we can see promise in the faces of the patients I was seeing. Without Christ there is no hope for an end. There is nothing to bridge the unclean and make it clean.

Let me know how I can pray for you. Know that in Christ we are made clean, and in heaven we will be made whole. What a blessing !