On Sundays I teach a class at my church for women. We haw been studying the book of Ephesians and in 2:11-23 we see Paul write about the beautiful gift if unity bought through Christ. I asked the ladies what makes them feel different and at first they said nothing but then slowly the suggest things like martial status, age, jobs but I couldn't help but wonder what else makes them feel alone.
What makes me feel alone?
No parents- hardest questions for me to answer are " so where does your family live?" Not having parents separates me from most.
Marriage- many of my friends are single and while I love my husband having one has changed my friendships so much that some friends have really distanced themselves: this is sad to me. Granted I got a sweet husband but I still feel the difference
Teaching - so often I'm seen as the teacher that people don't see the social side of me.
My age- being young separates me bc in years I'm young but I'm not interested in what most 23 year olds are doing. I'm also young compared to my church.
I'm sure other ways but that's what I have right now. I didn't say any of this this morning bc I don't feel like I can. The ladies are mostly willing only to stick to the surface that I'm not sure how much to say. I also don't know them well but I'm trusting God has a plan.
Friends we are all one in Christ. Not alone not different all children of God. Enjoy that. Hold on to it. And remember that as you walk around our world.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Africa, marriage,bridges Oh my!
I'm so glad God put on my heart to start writing again. Because here I am... and i have so much to say. So much I want to get off my chest and out of my head, So much to process. and so much I can't write on here.
Where to begin.
God has given me an Africa...and I'm learning about Africa's customs and I have to say. I'm sure it is just satan trying to make me feel like i shouldn't be there but I wonder if these customs I am learning about are truly something I should consider. I'm going with it's spiritual warfare until otherwise proven. Honestly, there is no coincidence in my mind that the day after I talked to my husband about our Africa I found out these things. (if your confused ...it's not the real Africa. I read an awesome book that talked about figuring out what your "anything" that God would call you to is. ... I've termed it my Africa so I can view it as mission work.) It's no coincidence when God starts to change my heart that something else is revealed. Now the question is, can I go to Africa despite what I have learned. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Phil 4:13.
Marriage is hard. not mine specifically but in general. (no marriage is 100% easy.) I have a good friend call me this morning about her marriage. 8 am and we were talking about the importance of focusing on God not each other. On praying and how powerful that is. About trusting God in the hard times. About being respectful to a husband who doesn't demonstrate behavior that could explain it. I am so blessed that my husband is kind to me. Do we have our moments...ABSOLUTELY. We are human. But the general nature of our marriage is that of a kind and loving marriage where I try and respect and help him and he tries to love and lead me. Its heartbreaking to see the marriages that aren't built on that and it gives that more motivation for me to be praying to be a good wife for Paul. It also helps me see how important I need to be encouraging and sharing with women and teaching them because I think that the majority of marriages are in this boat of strife. I hoping the marriages in the church that aren't in this boat will start mentoring and ministering to those who are or those who are newly married. I know my husband and I have wanted to meet with a married couple or couples to learn about this, but it seems all the married couples are already friends with each other and unless your 75 or have kids you don't fit. Why not be proactive and teach us from the beginning. It's one of the times I'm so sad I didn't grow up in a christian home. Sure I grew up with people who know about God, but not people who were loving to each other. All examples I saw of marriage were that of anger, power struggle, disrespect, and thats not the best example. I'm not downing on family, i'm more making the point that I want to see a marriage that is like the one I hope ours will be. I don't know that God has that in store for us right now.
I've been reading a lot about the divide between the world and Christians and even then the divide between people who say they are christians and those who really are running after God. It just is so frustrating that satan just wants to divide us all so much. He teaches the world we all need to be individuals. but unity is a gift from Christ. This division we see tear apart families, churches, relationships, marriage, and much more. We are all children of God. That's the bridge between all of these sides, and yet it is so sad that we don't use that bridge.
i had a sweet sweet afternoon yesterday with two of my girlfriends. I am so blessed by them and we just had a sweet time of walking around the outlet mall and talking. They prayed for Africa. They encourage me. and it's a blessing to have women who are running after God with me. So blessed!
alright friends. I'm going to stop here.
Keep praying for God's presence to just infiltrate our churches and our lives. I know this wasn't a post about a passage but hopefully some of it encouraged you.
<3
Where to begin.
God has given me an Africa...and I'm learning about Africa's customs and I have to say. I'm sure it is just satan trying to make me feel like i shouldn't be there but I wonder if these customs I am learning about are truly something I should consider. I'm going with it's spiritual warfare until otherwise proven. Honestly, there is no coincidence in my mind that the day after I talked to my husband about our Africa I found out these things. (if your confused ...it's not the real Africa. I read an awesome book that talked about figuring out what your "anything" that God would call you to is. ... I've termed it my Africa so I can view it as mission work.) It's no coincidence when God starts to change my heart that something else is revealed. Now the question is, can I go to Africa despite what I have learned. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Phil 4:13.
Marriage is hard. not mine specifically but in general. (no marriage is 100% easy.) I have a good friend call me this morning about her marriage. 8 am and we were talking about the importance of focusing on God not each other. On praying and how powerful that is. About trusting God in the hard times. About being respectful to a husband who doesn't demonstrate behavior that could explain it. I am so blessed that my husband is kind to me. Do we have our moments...ABSOLUTELY. We are human. But the general nature of our marriage is that of a kind and loving marriage where I try and respect and help him and he tries to love and lead me. Its heartbreaking to see the marriages that aren't built on that and it gives that more motivation for me to be praying to be a good wife for Paul. It also helps me see how important I need to be encouraging and sharing with women and teaching them because I think that the majority of marriages are in this boat of strife. I hoping the marriages in the church that aren't in this boat will start mentoring and ministering to those who are or those who are newly married. I know my husband and I have wanted to meet with a married couple or couples to learn about this, but it seems all the married couples are already friends with each other and unless your 75 or have kids you don't fit. Why not be proactive and teach us from the beginning. It's one of the times I'm so sad I didn't grow up in a christian home. Sure I grew up with people who know about God, but not people who were loving to each other. All examples I saw of marriage were that of anger, power struggle, disrespect, and thats not the best example. I'm not downing on family, i'm more making the point that I want to see a marriage that is like the one I hope ours will be. I don't know that God has that in store for us right now.
I've been reading a lot about the divide between the world and Christians and even then the divide between people who say they are christians and those who really are running after God. It just is so frustrating that satan just wants to divide us all so much. He teaches the world we all need to be individuals. but unity is a gift from Christ. This division we see tear apart families, churches, relationships, marriage, and much more. We are all children of God. That's the bridge between all of these sides, and yet it is so sad that we don't use that bridge.
i had a sweet sweet afternoon yesterday with two of my girlfriends. I am so blessed by them and we just had a sweet time of walking around the outlet mall and talking. They prayed for Africa. They encourage me. and it's a blessing to have women who are running after God with me. So blessed!
alright friends. I'm going to stop here.
Keep praying for God's presence to just infiltrate our churches and our lives. I know this wasn't a post about a passage but hopefully some of it encouraged you.
<3
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sad goodbyes.
Today was my last day I my first rotation. When I started pediatric ENT I planned on being ok with it but I was scared. I didn't plan on loving it. I didn't plan on praying so much for my preceptor and coming to see her as a friend. I didn't expect to cry my eyes out as I drove away. I didn't plan on coming to Starbucks and blogging about it but truly the last 6 weeks changed me. I know Gods timing is perfect but leaving is still sad. I had good days frustrating moments but I grew in patience and in confidence in my skills. I learned to get respect despite my young age. I learned to leave the outside world outside and leaned to truly smile no matter what. I learned to comfort. I learned to tea h. I learned to reassure. I learned to make kids leave glowing.
It's funny. I chose to be a pa so that my job wouldn't be my life. But truly I see how it can be a beautiful part of my life and how much I can affect others and display Gods glory. So blessed. So sad to leave that blessing as I think the next one will be harder I know God had a plan. Till them I'm praying circles around the job ill get. When I graduate and praying that tomorrow's test goes well.
Friends find a job you love. That you would cry to leave its so worth it. All he hard work all the nights I got no sleep. Moving to Orlando turning my life upside down losing friends.... It was all worth it.
Alright... Now to the books.
It's funny. I chose to be a pa so that my job wouldn't be my life. But truly I see how it can be a beautiful part of my life and how much I can affect others and display Gods glory. So blessed. So sad to leave that blessing as I think the next one will be harder I know God had a plan. Till them I'm praying circles around the job ill get. When I graduate and praying that tomorrow's test goes well.
Friends find a job you love. That you would cry to leave its so worth it. All he hard work all the nights I got no sleep. Moving to Orlando turning my life upside down losing friends.... It was all worth it.
Alright... Now to the books.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
What if you told God you would do anything He called you to?
Anything by Jennie Allen is a book I just read in... 2 days. Honestly, it would have been faster had I not had to study. I'm on a committed reading kick and I want to get through the billion books I've been capturing from free downloads, and amazon 99 cent deals or just ones people have recommended. I brought the book to work and in between patients I read, and honestly thought to myself "why don't i cling to the bible like this?" My quick answer to myself was "your bible is too big to just flip open read a line and then go back to life" which... is true because I have a study bible, but i have the bible on my phone. It could be that the book spells it all out, while the bible makes me really think and have to decide what God is showing me. Ultimately, I learned I need to be in the word more. and the word is the Bible.
But--- it was a GREAT book! It really captured a lot of things in my heart and I honestly am still trying to process them. quick thoughts from it
1. my life is comfortable. despite the things it is missing compared to most of the world i'm living like royalty.
2. i'm so thankful for my husband
3. I can't want to have children
4. I have an idea what my "anything" is... but i'm still praying on it.
5. follow Jesus is costly but worth it.
6. I'm so far from having it all figured out and am so thankful that our God is gracious.
other thoughts:
- she makes a point that when we live radically for God we shock Christians more than anyone else. I believe that to be a truth....but a heartbreaking truth. that so many are signing on to saying they are a christian without even realizing that believing the writings of the bible and truly trusting Him were never meant to be separated. You are for Him or against Him but thats not what sells so instead people will only buy false gospels saying life will be without pain with Jesus. False. Life will still be painful it just will have purpose and the pain will stop when you leave the earth.
- I am a mess. wholeheartedly 100% straight up mess.
-again. I'm so thankful for my husband. How he loves me so much is amazing to me.
- Paul writes in ephesians asking for prayer that He would be able to fearlessly proclaim the mysteries of the gospel for which He is in chains. These verses have resonated with me for a while but I'm wondering how much more i need that prayer. Paul was so bold. I'm so full of insecurity and fear that I'm not bold about anything.
- what was God thinking putting me in charge of two women's groups. seriously. Definitely wasn't on my list of to do's and I still feel like I'm winging it. So thankful that God has it covered and is guiding my steps there because honestly I definitely couldn't do it without Him.
- I have some amazing friends. truly.
-
I've missed blogging.
"Do the things you once did" says the bible.
I once wrote. I once wrote all the time. I wrote a book, and another. I wrote many blogs and now I write this one. Ive written journals, letters to my husband, and cards. and something about my heart just opens up with words on a screen or a page and yet I don't do this enough. Not enough time....or rather complacency... or rather sometimes I just don't want to explore those real parts. Becoming like Jesus is a hard task and a painful one. I want my heart to be more like Mary's "Yes Lord, I'm your servant. whatever you want" (paraphrased). She knew it would cost her everything, but she didn't care.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm hesitant to truly share with people, but I'm sometimes even afraid to share with myself. And yet I'm not the only one. I have women who tell me they are afraid to pray. I thank God that He loves me enough to break me into someone who has to pray to survive each day. I definitely need to start opening up my prayer life more. I'm miss sunday night prayer group. A lot.
and this... has been the most unplanned, unstructured and rambling blog but truly...it's all things floating around in my head.
I think I'll leave it here.
Sorry this might be purposeless but this one is just for me.
praying for you friends. <3
But--- it was a GREAT book! It really captured a lot of things in my heart and I honestly am still trying to process them. quick thoughts from it
1. my life is comfortable. despite the things it is missing compared to most of the world i'm living like royalty.
2. i'm so thankful for my husband
3. I can't want to have children
4. I have an idea what my "anything" is... but i'm still praying on it.
5. follow Jesus is costly but worth it.
6. I'm so far from having it all figured out and am so thankful that our God is gracious.
other thoughts:
- she makes a point that when we live radically for God we shock Christians more than anyone else. I believe that to be a truth....but a heartbreaking truth. that so many are signing on to saying they are a christian without even realizing that believing the writings of the bible and truly trusting Him were never meant to be separated. You are for Him or against Him but thats not what sells so instead people will only buy false gospels saying life will be without pain with Jesus. False. Life will still be painful it just will have purpose and the pain will stop when you leave the earth.
- I am a mess. wholeheartedly 100% straight up mess.
-again. I'm so thankful for my husband. How he loves me so much is amazing to me.
- Paul writes in ephesians asking for prayer that He would be able to fearlessly proclaim the mysteries of the gospel for which He is in chains. These verses have resonated with me for a while but I'm wondering how much more i need that prayer. Paul was so bold. I'm so full of insecurity and fear that I'm not bold about anything.
- what was God thinking putting me in charge of two women's groups. seriously. Definitely wasn't on my list of to do's and I still feel like I'm winging it. So thankful that God has it covered and is guiding my steps there because honestly I definitely couldn't do it without Him.
- I have some amazing friends. truly.
-
I've missed blogging.
"Do the things you once did" says the bible.
I once wrote. I once wrote all the time. I wrote a book, and another. I wrote many blogs and now I write this one. Ive written journals, letters to my husband, and cards. and something about my heart just opens up with words on a screen or a page and yet I don't do this enough. Not enough time....or rather complacency... or rather sometimes I just don't want to explore those real parts. Becoming like Jesus is a hard task and a painful one. I want my heart to be more like Mary's "Yes Lord, I'm your servant. whatever you want" (paraphrased). She knew it would cost her everything, but she didn't care.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm hesitant to truly share with people, but I'm sometimes even afraid to share with myself. And yet I'm not the only one. I have women who tell me they are afraid to pray. I thank God that He loves me enough to break me into someone who has to pray to survive each day. I definitely need to start opening up my prayer life more. I'm miss sunday night prayer group. A lot.
and this... has been the most unplanned, unstructured and rambling blog but truly...it's all things floating around in my head.
I think I'll leave it here.
Sorry this might be purposeless but this one is just for me.
praying for you friends. <3
Monday, September 24, 2012
i struggle.
Dara Maclean is a christian artist who is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. Her lyrics are beautiful and so full of truth and raw feeling. She has a song "Yours Forever" Some of the words say the following:
Thank You for finding me when You did
You changed my life, now I believe
That love is all, that I'll ever need
I promise my heart and all that I am
I'm Yours forever my love
Can I just say... AMEN! I was just overcome today by grace and excitement over Christ finding me when He did and that He completely changed my life. I've been teaching women at my church about the book of Ephesians and on Sunday we really talked about what it looks like to be changed.
I am so thankful for God and all He has done in my life and I honestly am just amazed by it.
But that line - I promise my heart and all that I am-- is easy to say but some days hard to discern what that looks like. I truly and honestly want my heart and all that I am to be in Christ but there are so many nooks and cranes that unbelief hides in that I am wondering what it is I don't believe God for.
I believe He sent His son
I believe His son died and rose again to save me
I believe He is able
I believe He is a gracious and merciful and loving but Just
I believe He will never leave me or forsake me
I believe He doesn't cause evil but allows it because He is bigger enough to work through it
I believe that He gave us free will, but He knows what we are going to do
I believe He gives me every good and perfect gift. Nothing is coincidence or by chance. I did nothing. It's all from Him.
But i struggle with trusting His timing.
I struggle with having faith when I can't see whats next
I struggle with believing He will give me the words when I'm teaching or sharing
I struggle with doubt and wondering if I really should be teaching or sharing.
I struggle abandoning a desire for acceptance from those who don't understand my beliefs
I struggle with patience.
I struggle with forgiveness.
I struggle with trust
I struggle. completely.
i struggle with letting go of the past. my past mistakes, failures. my shortcomings. other peoples mistakes and hurts.
I want to grow so much. i want to be running after God so fast and so hard that I'm not thinking about anything else, but it's hard. It's a constant renewal of my mind and a constant changing of my heart through prayer and being in the word. i struggle making enough time to spend a lot of time in the word. I struggle with fear of sharing and offending people even though saving someone's life shouldn't be offensive.
So friends. I'm praying for the things I struggle in, and praying for women to teach me, keep me accountable and grow me. I've been so blessed with the beautiful friends God has given me and I'm excited to see some of them growing a lot lately. I believe He will continue to bless me and encourage me through these friends and I just feel a tug to be learning more. From what avenue I don't know, only time will tell.
What do you struggle with? honestly.
It's easy to paint the picture we have it all together but truth is: we are all big messes and the only thing thats good in me is Christ. I'm praying for you. That God would help you see the places you are struggle and would grow you in them. I'm praying the same for myself. So excited to see what He will do :)
Thank You for finding me when You did
You changed my life, now I believe
That love is all, that I'll ever need
I promise my heart and all that I am
I'm Yours forever my love
Can I just say... AMEN! I was just overcome today by grace and excitement over Christ finding me when He did and that He completely changed my life. I've been teaching women at my church about the book of Ephesians and on Sunday we really talked about what it looks like to be changed.
I am so thankful for God and all He has done in my life and I honestly am just amazed by it.
But that line - I promise my heart and all that I am-- is easy to say but some days hard to discern what that looks like. I truly and honestly want my heart and all that I am to be in Christ but there are so many nooks and cranes that unbelief hides in that I am wondering what it is I don't believe God for.
I believe He sent His son
I believe His son died and rose again to save me
I believe He is able
I believe He is a gracious and merciful and loving but Just
I believe He will never leave me or forsake me
I believe He doesn't cause evil but allows it because He is bigger enough to work through it
I believe that He gave us free will, but He knows what we are going to do
I believe He gives me every good and perfect gift. Nothing is coincidence or by chance. I did nothing. It's all from Him.
But i struggle with trusting His timing.
I struggle with having faith when I can't see whats next
I struggle with believing He will give me the words when I'm teaching or sharing
I struggle with doubt and wondering if I really should be teaching or sharing.
I struggle abandoning a desire for acceptance from those who don't understand my beliefs
I struggle with patience.
I struggle with forgiveness.
I struggle with trust
I struggle. completely.
i struggle with letting go of the past. my past mistakes, failures. my shortcomings. other peoples mistakes and hurts.
I want to grow so much. i want to be running after God so fast and so hard that I'm not thinking about anything else, but it's hard. It's a constant renewal of my mind and a constant changing of my heart through prayer and being in the word. i struggle making enough time to spend a lot of time in the word. I struggle with fear of sharing and offending people even though saving someone's life shouldn't be offensive.
So friends. I'm praying for the things I struggle in, and praying for women to teach me, keep me accountable and grow me. I've been so blessed with the beautiful friends God has given me and I'm excited to see some of them growing a lot lately. I believe He will continue to bless me and encourage me through these friends and I just feel a tug to be learning more. From what avenue I don't know, only time will tell.
What do you struggle with? honestly.
It's easy to paint the picture we have it all together but truth is: we are all big messes and the only thing thats good in me is Christ. I'm praying for you. That God would help you see the places you are struggle and would grow you in them. I'm praying the same for myself. So excited to see what He will do :)
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Only God can fill the need inside you
Hello friends!
Between marriage, clinicals starting, and a new womens group i'm teaching, I have been very busy. One of the things I find coming up a lot I wanted to give a quick post on.
Ladies. A man will not fill all your needs.
ok it's out there. I just contradicted most love songs, chikflicks and reality shows. I have the most amazing husband and I promise- while he is so many things, he can't fill the spot in my heart that God made especially for Himself. Why am I telling you this? because it took me a long time to learn that a guy wasn't all I needed. (thankfully I learned this before I met my husband, but I learned it the hard way). I learned that someone to "love me" wouldn't make everything better. Now that I know what real love is, I know that even when i did believe that, it was always empty because I didn't have love that was from God, or a lover that was given by God. But even with an amazing, God fearing husband, I can tell you there is a place that only Jesus fills. Though my husband can hug me physically, it's into my heavenly father's arms I have to run each day. My husband teaches me ABOUT God...but he isn't supposed to be my god. The grace he shows me is something that has taught me about God's grace. The love he has shown me has taught me about God's love. The understanding he has for me has taught me about God's understanding. But at the end of the day, I need God. I need God to help me in the moments my husband can't. I need God's plan and faithfulness in every moment, and his spirit to help me and comfort me. His word says: "I made you. I am now your husband. My name is The Lord Who Rules Over All. I am the Holy One of Israel. I have set you free. I am the God of the whole earth." Isaiah 54:5 (NIRV)" He is saying... even though I gave you a husband, I'm still God of the whole earth and I'm still your first love.
Ladies I'm praying for you to find your strength and hope in God first, and not look for it from a man, or you will always come up short. Men, I'm praying you will love God first, and lead the ladies closer to Him. Friends, put God first and I promise, you won't regret it. He will fill the hole that you try and fill but seems to have no closure. He will heal the wound that seems to not heal and He will never leave or forsake you. That's a promise, not from me but from Him.
<3
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