A Screwtape For Those Considering Children

My affectionate Wormwood,

Did you hear what your charges were discussing? Reproducing! We can't let them think of doing such a thing.  They will inevitably want to share the enemy with their progeny as they seem to want to talk about him with everyone and their children will be no different. Raising children in their home ... of course the kids are bound to see and hear all the lies that these people spread. You need to get a good lead and I'm going to give you a few tips.

First, before they even make an attempt grip them with fear. If they aren't grasping that babies are a burden and nothing but trouble then remind them that with a baby they will never get to do anything they want to do. Make their outside activities, trips and fun seem so enticing that they won't want to give it up. Plant in her that her only worth is what she can do in a job outside the home and continue to let culture and the media tell her that motherhood is the most narrow and mindless thing she could do.  The enemy will try and teach them that motherhood is the greatest of vocations but don't let her believe that. Surround her with mothers who tell her that they "want their life back" so she can hear their experience. She will view this as trustworthy

If they do have children already, let them see more would be burdensome. Let the husband be afraid that he can't provide for another mouth to feed and don't let him think about sacrificing anything for his family. That we can't fight against once he decides to do it so please be careful.  Keep their current kids whining, and let them them think that the newborn will come out at this stage too. If the kids are older let them think the new baby would be too far apart and inevitably make their lives difficult. If you have to stress them that they won't be able to give enough love to the new baby and their current children as they are people that actually want to love their children this will make them think twice.  We have done a lot of work to embed birth control and abortion as mainstays. It's been tough but we have been successful. We have tricked them to thinking that contraception is safe and by and large they don't believe it when they hear that it allows a child to be conceived but not survive. They even believe that abortion is more about a woman's right to choose than the rights of her child. Amazing, I know.  If you can get her to take contraception, great-- but really push sterilization. Let her think fertility is a disease and you will easily sway her away from children.

If that doesn't work which is may not because if they are talking about children they have the strange idea that a baby would be a blessing, do whatever you can to make them busy. On the days they could actually conceive make sure they are too tired or not home or doing something. If they are home get a friend to call for dinner, have them think about errands they need to run. If that doesn't work attack their marriage. Let him say something incentive so she won't want to be intimate. If that doesn't work which it may not since they are close, let the wife think that her husband is no longer her ally or friend. This is tough but if you are diligent you can do it.  When they are too busy  or tired to be intimate let her think that he allows this because he doesn't really want kids. Plant seeds of deception. She won't want to push him or force him and so she will abandon the idea if you can turn her head.

If you can't distract them or separate them then you need to work fiercely to remind her that getting a perfect baby isn't easy and can involve a lot of sadness and pain for her. Remind her of all her friends who deal with infertility or miscarriage. Convince her because she cares about babies that this will inevitably happen to her and remind her of this with ever negative pregnancy test. Overwhelm her with fear so you can stress her body and make it harder to conceive.  If she struggles with infertility or a miscarriage convince her it's better not to try. Let her confuse mercy with fear and this will push her to not put herself and her husband through the pain that their attempts at having a baby could bring. Let her forget what true mercy and grace is and whatever you do don't let her remember that the enemy can work outside of time, diseases or circumstances. Let her think she is alone for if she asks from the enemy she will receive. Let the husband feel as though he can't possibly say anything right in these circumstances and let him say nothing. This will help her to feel alone and that's right where we are most successful.

Should you fail completely at least we will have another charge and you can even use these children to distract these two from the enemy and from each other.  Be on guard as this is a last resort.

Your Malevolent Uncle,

Screwtape

___________
The original Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis depict an older demon writing to a younger demon. It's a thought provoking and enjoyable read and I thought creating one would be fun. Just for clarification babies are precious, contraception does cause abortion, and babies are never a burden. For the mommies struggling with miscarriage, infertility, or simply the challenges of a TTC journey know that my heart and prayers are with you. While I kept the post concise I know there are many more things I could have touched on here and know that the most important thing I hope to share is not to lose hope. Our God is able to do much more than we can imagine. <3

-Anita

How Do You Make God The Center Of Your Business?

I was supposed to speak at a training this past week on how to keep God the center of your business. Now life happened: patients needed help and care and I was stuck. Don't get me wrong it wasn't stuck like stuck in mud, I'm privileged to care for patients but honestly I wanted to be able to keep my commitment and it didn't happen. My best efforts fell short and it was out of my control but I know God had a reason for not wanting me there.

Anyways I did a lot of thinking in preparation. Thinking, praying and of course talking about it with my husband. The more I thought and the more we discussed I found that "How do you keep God the center of your business?" was the wrong question. You see in phrasing it that way we are saying the business is the focus and how do we fit God in and around it. Ultimately no matter what we do we should first ask: How do I keep God the center of my life?

John 15:1-8

Jesus said to his disciples:
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower.
He takes away every branch in me that does not bear fruit,
and every one that does he prunes so that it bears more fruit.
You are already pruned because of the word that I spoke to you.
Remain in me, as I remain in you.
Just as a branch cannot bear fruit on its own
unless it remains on the vine,
so neither can you unless you remain in me.
I am the vine, you are the branches.
Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit,
because without me you can do nothing.
Anyone who does not remain in me
will be thrown out like a branch and wither;
people will gather them and throw them into a fire
and they will be burned.
If you remain in me and my words remain in you,
ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you.
By this is my Father glorified,
that you bear much fruit and become my disciples.”

You see without being connected to God we can't hope to accomplish and succeed what we would hope to. Not that if you connect to God your business will fore sure succeed as sometimes He is going to call you to other things. I will say though if you commit all your plans to the Lord He will guide you to what you should be doing and the timing you should be doing it in. 

Friends: are you asking the right questions? Are you asking how God can be the center of your work or school or life? Or are you letting God be the source and foundation of all you are and all you do? It's not easy friends. Pray and ask Him to show you how to make Him your guidepost. For without Him we can do nothing. Even good things done that aren't done for the glory of God are sinful. Let's honor and adore Him and when we don't know how let's ask Him to grow up and show us how. 

<3 

I WILL FOLLOW

Friends,
Chris Tomlin did a song: "I Will Follow"

"Where you go I'll go. Where you stay I'll stay. When you move I'll move. I will follow you"
These words I've sung countless times and it hit me today in the midst of a hectic day: Do I mean them? Do you?

I can think back over my life and think of lots of things I didn't plan on, didn't want and yet God worked on me, my heart and through various circumstances brought me to where I am.

I didn't want to finish my senior year of high school- I wanted to start college a year early. Had I not done that I wouldn't have earned a $20,000 scholarship and been named a Horatio Alger National Scholar. I wouldn't have gone to Washington on a trip that changed my life and I wouldn't have met some of the great people I met my freshmen year at FAU Honors.

I wanted to be a Physician Assistant starting my senior year of high school and yet during my senior year of college I took a detour to possibly get my PhD at FAU. A spur of the moment trip to Montreal showed me that isn't where God wanted me and I came back unsure of what was going to happen. A phone call changed everything and Orlando FL would become my home for 27 months. It isn't where I wanted to be but had I not gone there I wouldn't have met my husband.

The night I met Paul was at a concert I didn't want to go to. In fact the pew I sat in was because I didn't want to sit in a few other ones. If I hadn't gone I wouldn't be sitting next to my hubby as I write this.

At one point during our getting to know each other I tried to pray Paul out of my life. I was certain he would be a distraction from God and from school and so I tried to pray him away. The next day at church the message was "Don't Pray People Out of Your Life." Needless to say... He's my husband.

I didn't want to move but here I am in a different job than I moved for and I enjoy it even on the crazy days.  The timing for the changes was not my timing and honestly it has been amazing.

Of course the biggest things becoming Catholic was the last thing I wanted to be but when God called me to the church despite my biggest attempts I couldn't deny where He was leading me. It was honestly the last thing I wanted but now that I have come home to the Catholic church I know this was His plan and not mine. God really has helped me grow so much through my journey.

I don't know what else God has planned but I can tell you if you see anything in this litany is that I clearly and not the best judge of where I should be on the first go but where He leads I will follow.  Even when He leads me to the hard places, even on the long days.

Friends will you follow Him? Where He goes? Where He stays? When He moves?
I will follow. Will you?
Let's follow Him together <3

What is Natural Family Planning? FAQ and Answers

How did I end up doing NFP?

As a Physician Assistant student I learned that birth control "stops implantation." This BLEW my mind. As a newly married woman who was in the middle of the 27 months of educational experience they call PA school I honestly felt I could NOT get pregnant. I barely had time to eat, or sleep and with my clinical year starting 7 days after I got married I didn't think I could safely carry a child at the time. Moreover there was no way we could afford it. So a few months before we got married I went on birth control. I wasn't told anything just prescribed and given a years worth of refills. Sitting in the marathon of slides that is PA school's didactic year one stuck out during an OBGYN lecture. It was about birth control, listed the side effects including cancers, blood clots, weight gain, mood swings, etc. As I copied notes to help myself absorb the information and help me pay attention I found myself writing "Stops implantation." That night as I studied it hit me.... stops implantation...implantation of... a BABY...OH MY GOODNESS! It was if like a ton of bricks the reality hit me and honestly I thought I had jumped to conclusions and that I didn't have complete information so I spent HOURS that night ripping through the internet trying to find...is this true and was the "well it's only some birth controls" that I had heard passed around really true? I searched to find just ONE birth control that did not have abortifacient properties and I couldn't find one. All the package insert information that I could read online on the pharmaceutical companies websites listed in various words that it can affect a baby that is conceived from implanting. How? By starving and suffocating it though lessening blood supply that carries oxygen and sugar (food), by making it get to the uterus too early to implant and by thinning the lining so it physically can't implant.

Stunned I told my husband "we can't use this stuff" and I got no fight because God has been challenging his heart that maybe it wasn't best for no uncertain reason.

So newly married... no birth control.... growing up in a society that teaches unprotected sex leads to babies I knew we couldn't just "do nothing" or "wing it." So I researched. I studied. and through the rest of my most frequently asked questions on the topic I'm going to share what I learned.

Isn't NFP just doing nothing? isn't it the rhythm method?
NFP is NOT doing nothing - it's actually a process to learn.  It's not .... checking the calendar... (which essentially assumes every woman has a 28 day cycle and that we all ovulate on day 14 and simply abstains on that day) but is more fondly called Fertility Awareness Methods and provides through a various number of methods standard ways to monitor fertility. Some methods monitor cervical mucus, temperature, cervix position, use fertility monitors... and some use combinations of this.

What method do I use?
When I started I used Billings. It was easier to learn than some of the others and I failed to be able to take my temperature at the same time daily due to my changing rotations. I was not checking my cervix as I personally was not interested in that. Billings monitors cervical mucus only and through some guidelines helps you determine your fertile window. When trying to achieve pregnancy... go for the window and when your trying to avoid... keep the window closed. It's fairly simple in concept, takes some effort to learn and ultimately grows you in patience.

Now we are using Creighton which is a bit more specific than Billings but both are similar in that they monitor cervical mucus.

What about condoms? 
While from a medical standpoint condoms don't hurt you per say they don't help you unless your having multiple partners and at risk for STDs, they may help but not fully prevent infection. Even if you don't have a latex allergy, can handle the experience of a condom and have a husband who will use them...some things you may not know is it is healthier to not use one. (Note: I'm talking to people in committed monogamous relationships.) The female cervix actually absorbs sperm and this can be a natural antidepressant, and can help the female body learn to recognize the male DNA as "self" and some studies indicate this may lesson miscarriage. While there are tons of causes of miscarriage lessening the chance is always a good idea.

Ultimately though for us it boiled down to what was biblical and was not biblical. Genesis 38 starting in verse 8 tells the story of Onan. It says Onan spilled his semen on the ground. He interrupts sexual intercourse to prevent procreation. For Onan he was selfish. By Levirate law he marries his brothers widow and since he died without children (Deut. 25:5) by law the first born male would be considered the son of the deceased man. Onan by spilling his seed on the ground gets the dead man's property and his wife but if he has no children with her the property remains his. God didn't take that lightly and he struck Onan dead/ slew him also.  Now some will say that that Onan was struck dead not for "spilling his seed" but because he broke the law. However in Deuteronomy 25: 5-10 explains levirate law:  death wasn't the penalty for not taking your brothers wife and not having children. Simply: you handed over the sandal... meaning you lost the brothers property and there was great humiliation (someone might spit in your face).  So if it wasn't because Onan broke the law and refused to give children to his brothers name, than the only other thing he did was interrupt the marital act. Anything that interrupts the act then is not honoring to God. No pulling out, no condoms or other barrier methods. Marital intimacy is fully between a husband and wife. To be one flesh you can't have a piece of plastic between you. Just saying.

Keep in mind a compromise to birth control and NFP is NOT barrier methods. This isn't a meet in the middle spot. Note I'm not advocating for sex among the masses to be without condoms. Even Pope Benedict explained greater good on this issue. The lesser evil would be to prevent disease for those who are in HIV rampant areas or in Pope Benedict's example a male with HIV using a condom. In this case your protecting life first but ultimately using a condom is still sinful. In a monogamous marriage with no HIV or communicable disease there is no grave moral reason to use a condom.

Doesn't using NFP/not using any birth control mean you will end up with 19 kids?
No. God alone gives life. Ask any mommy who has tried for a baby and they will tell you they aren't "planned". Women who try for babies don't always get them and women who use condoms and birth control together sometimes end up pregnant. The conclusion then would not be to jump to contraception/sterilization with the idea "God will give me a baby if He wants." Yes God can give you a child despite your tubal ligation or birth control but to trust God fully means to trust Him with your fertility. That means being open to whatever He brings. Using NFP is a natural way to avoid pregnancy and while it is as or more effective than most birth controls when practiced properly we aren't doing anything to alter the marital act before, during or after. We leave marital intimacy whole every time. For us we have been using NFP for over 2 years and we have no children. We have avoided pregnancy with the understanding that if God gave us a baby we would be overjoyed.

If you have done NFP for over 2 years and have no children are you infertile?

Nope! My charts show that I have a fertile pattern.

If you use NFP to avoid does that mean you never have sex?
No!!! It just means during the fertile window when trying to avoid we abstain.

What if you don't have normal periods ? 
There is no "normal." There are general parameters but ultimately we all vary as we are all unique even down to our cycles. (And yes a cycle is not just a period. Every day for a woman is part of her fertility cycle).

Does NFP put everything on the woman?
No. NFP requires both spouses to be involved, and open to life. For us we weren't on the same page at first and it took a while to figure it out but ultimately we have grown closer and learned more about my health than we ever would have known on BC.

Why doesn't my OBGYN/ Family practice doctor know about this?
As a health care provider myself I tell you my patients teach me a lot so don't be afraid to share.  Having just educated my OBGYN that NFP is NOT just the rhythm method she was shocked even after medical school, a residency, and a fellowship. You see in allopathic medicine (MDs, PAs) we literally don't learn NFP. We learn birth control and we learn that people try the rhythm method and it doesn't work. No other information is taught in most program and training and unless someone shares or looks into it ...we don't know. The urge many times is to abandon the doctor because for those who do NFP many times it feels as though providers push birth control but a healthy conversation to explain that NFP is scientifically based can at least create an opportunity. That to be said there are wonderful NFP only providers and Naprotechnology doctors all over.

So when you say natural... what if you can't get pregnant?

There are many ways to naturally enhance pregnancy and promoting life is always a good thing. Some medications can help as well as specially trained professionals in Naprotechnology can offer options many OBGYNs don't as they honestly haven't been trained to do so. Invitro Fertilization does allow lives to be formed that do not survive and does separate the procreative process from the marital act. Anything that makes a baby without the natural marital act is well... not natural. For those attempting to be natural and to protect life these are not options. I could go into more of why but that would be a long response and good for another blog post. 

Does NFP take all the fun out of sex?

Nope. It takes away the selfishness of sex in my opinion but not the fun. However, the physical part of sex is only part of it and ultimately it isn't "just fun" it's fun and unitive, body and soul. 

What if you just had a baby and don't have a cycle? or have a medical condition where you don't have a cycle?

I would recommend you do the Creighton method and I know an awesome instructor that teaches over Skype. If you want her info shoot me any e-mail and I'll help you get connected. (note I don't get paid or anything to send you. But having had friends who went through that I know it can be hard and I wanna help you). 

As a PA if you don't believe in birth control do you prescribe it?

No. Personally I'm Catholic and as such prescribing it would be a mortal sin. I do not at this time work in a field though that would require me to prescribe it. 

Do you teach NFP?

I do- sort of. I am NOT a certified instructor in any method and I'll always refer to an expert but what I do is teach what I know, share resources and help encourage. I wish I would have had someone to talk to because honestly at the time I really didn't. 

Alright that's a lot of information for one post and a lot of things that could be covered more specifically that I shared a snapshot on. This isn't meant to be all inclusive but helps to answer the questions that I get most. Do you have more? Feel free to comment or e-mail me at beautifulgoodtrue@gmail.com . Honestly I'm happy to share and realize that some of this you may have never heard of and I'm happy to share/answer questions you may have. I'm not an expert I'm just sharing what I've learned and encourage you to research NFP, the methods and to truly pray and ask God to open your heart to the truth. The holy spirit will guide you as He did me because much of this was hard for me to be open to. I thought honestly no birth control = babies and that I needed "protection." I've learned I don't need to protect myself from my husband. He loves me freely, and fully. No need to protect from that.  I won't say it has always been easy but I will tell you it has been worth it and our marriage is closer now because of NFP. I am thankful for it and would recommend it even if you don't have religious implications for looking into it. 

<3

Anita

Dear Mommies and Future Mommies:

I am so blessed to have so many lovely people around me pregnant. It seems like the phase of life I'm in it's rare that there is a week where no one has announced an engagement or a baby. It's incredible to see the mommies around me, some who are first time moms others who have a few and are growing their family. Some even are moms who are praying for more, overcoming miscarriage, challenged by health issues or struggling with being on the same page as a spouse. Some are trying to work out the finances or dealing with various struggles.  Some are praying for a baby and waiting.

For me I'm not a mother to a human being and I never have been. I've never had the wonder or shock of two lines on pregnancy test, so I've never been met with the excitement or fear that comes with that. I've never lost a baby to miscarriage, I've never had to decide life. I've never tried to conceive a child so I haven't been met with the anticipation and the feeling of a negative tests that I was hoping would be positive.   So essentially I have no form of expertise on the subject of motherhood unless you need tips on mothering a dog, in which case I've got plenty.   The roller coaster of our life hasn't brought us to a season of these things just yet but has brought us to a season of NFP and baby stickers and figuring out Billings vs. Creighton model and maybe I'll do a post one day about how that all works but for now just know that we don't know but He does.

But Mommies, know that my heart is with you. As I dream and hope that one day God will open the door and timing to motherhood for me,  I know we can all relate to one thing: the unknown. No matter what road your walking whether its TTC, TTA, TTW, or currently pregnant - none of us know what tomorrow with hold. We literally have no control over conception, our ability to carry a pregnancy or not or our ability to safely birth a baby into the world. It's the lack of control that for so many is so challenging and I'll even admit at times the details for us on when to think about trying for a baby or what we hope for that child have kept me up at night. Prayerful discernment is where I am at this moment. Praying for God to prepare me for whatever His plan is and prayer for our marriage that we can grow in holiness through whatever His will is.

It's all been advised but many women in my life:

"your doing the right thing finishing school and getting an education first."
"there's never a perfect time just go for it."
"enjoy your marriage wait for babies."
"if you plan for it will never happen."

But I know the One who has the plan.
I know the one who knits together life.
I know the Great I am. I know the King. I know the Maker and Giver.

So while I have NO IDEA what He has planned... I know what He's put on my heart which is the hundreds and thousands of other mommies that I can pray for in this season of life.  I can pray for the sweet women who welcomed baby number 8 on the day she lost her husband. I can pray for those I know that have been waiting for years for God to give them a baby. I can pray for those who wait for the arrival of their baby and pray for safe delivery. I can pray for those who are mommies to children who may be both healthy and unhealthy and for the challenges and gifts each child can bring.

 I can pray for the children I hope to have: their lives and that God would start growing their faith even now before they have even been conceived. I pray that He will grow me in the ways He needs to so that I could be a mother that parents with holiness. Holy families raise holy children.  I know motherhood will be the most important thing outside of being a wife that I ever do and I'm excited to see what that looks like someday.

You see friends the unknown isn't easy, in some ways I think it's harder than what's known. For my life though, it's the seasons of unknown that have helped me grow to rely on Him for He's never forsaken me.

Mommies. Count it all joy. The path of motherhood is one of the biggest paths of unknowns and one
of the paths of greatest reward. Steward your gift of motherhood to the best of your ability. The days might be hard in many ways but joy comes in the morning. No matter the challenge or the day, no matter the good news or the hard news He can do more than we ask or imagine. Nothing is impossible and nothing is out of His care so bring it all to Him. All the hurt, all the impatience, all the joy and laughter, all the pain and fear. Drop it at the alter. Drop it at the foot of the cross. Drop it at the feet of Jesus.

Even if you end up looking like Hannah who cried so hard the priest thought she was drunk thats ok. Drop it.

1 Samuel 1:10-19

In her bitterness she prayed to the LORD, weeping freely,11and made this vow: “O LORD of hosts, if you look with pity on the hardship of your servant, if you remember me and do not forget me, if you give your handmaid a male child, I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life. No razor shall ever touch his head.”12 As she continued praying before the LORD, Eli watched her mouth,13for Hannah was praying silently; though her lips were moving, her voice could not be heard. Eli, thinking she was drunk,14said to her, “How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Sober up from your wine!”15“No, my lord!” Hannah answered. “I am an unhappy woman. I have had neither wine nor liquor; I was only pouring out my heart to the LORD.16 Do not think your servant a worthless woman; my prayer has been prompted by my deep sorrow and misery.”17Eli said, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have requested.”18She replied, “Let your servant find favor in your eyes,” and left. She went to her quarters, ate and drank with her husband, and no longer appeared downhearted.19 Early the next morning they worshiped before the LORD, and then returned to their home in Ramah. When they returned Elkanah had intercourse with his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her.

Hannah brought it all. Her bitterness. Her weeping. Her misery. And most of all she wanted a Son to give to the Lord. In verse 18 she "no longer appeared downhearted." She left it all there in the temple knowing He sees and hears. It doesn't say how long Hannah was barren but earlier in the passage it says "year after year"  so we know that her journey wasn't short.  Like Hannah, I hope to leave everything I have at the feet of Jesus trusting that His timing is perfect and His will is best.

For Hannah- God answered her prayer which you can see through 1 Samuel 1 and 2. But what not only stands out to me is that He answered and she praised Him but He gave her more than she asked for. She asked for a son and 1 Samuel 2:21 says "The LORD favored Hannah so that she conceived and gave birth to three more sons and two daughters, while young Samuel grew up in the service of the LORD."  She asked for 1 son and got 4 sons and 2 daughters.  He alone knows what we need and the timing for what we need. He's never early or late. So on the days when the desires of my heart for children seem weighty I'll count it all joy and choose to trust Him.

<3

(note : TTC= Trying to Conceive TTA= Trying to Avoid Pregnancy TTW= trying to whatever)

No matter where you are trust Him. 

Love As If There Is No Tomorrow.

On Thursday at 10:17 am my husband sent me a text. We had been laughing and joking back and forth and it ended as we both were busy with work. I didn't hear anything the rest of the work day which wasn't unusual because we are both busy but I called on my way home with my 35 minute commute and I called...no answer at 5:15 pm or so. My heart began to hurt as I listened the voicemail play back.

My husband doesn't disappear, and rarely does he not answer my call. If he doesn't answer I get a text almost immediately saying something like "hey I'll call in a minute." I pressed the button for the elevator and rode down 3 floors to the bottom. I walked to the parking garage where normally I'm updating my sweet husband on my day. Today, I walked in silence.

I got to the car and pulled out of the garage and tried to call again. Voicemail.

I thought it was strange but figured well maybe he is doing something but he will call me right back. My 35 minute commute was a little longer due to traffic and such. I got on the interstate and as each mile marker passed and my phone didn't right I felt myself get more worried. 10 miles in... I called.

Voicemail.

 Another few miles I dialed again. Voicemail. I found myself starting to worry. What if? What if something happened? And just as the thought hit my head my heart began to pray. A few more attempts and I left a voicemail, sent a text and nothing. The more miles I drove I was realizing that truly something could be wrong. I called his best friend to see if he had talked to him past 10 am. No--- 8 am they talked. I called his work. No answer meaning he wasn't there.

 God allowed me to feel the weight of what it would be like if something happened to my husband and all in a mile or two I felt an immense heart break for the possible. I've never been so worried for Paul, because like I said- He doesn't disappear. I prayed "God please let him be ok and if he isn't give me the strength for whatever the circumstances." With each mile the tears began to fall until I was completely for a moment overwhelmed with fear. I prayed that God would calm my heart until I could get home.

Of course it felt as though my car was moving in slow motion and I tried calling again. Finally getting off the interstate I called my best friend Suzanne to tell her that I didn't know if he was ok and as I'm racing to tell her that I don't even know who else to call..my phone beeps and his name appeared on the screen. A mix of joy and "I can't believe you, don't do that again" hit me but oh man was the joy sweet to hear his voice.

 Turns out...he plugged his phone in the other room. (He agreed not to do that again.)

 It wasn't easy that drive home but sitting now on the couch with my dog and husband I'm reminded at how grateful I am. How I hope to love my husband in such a way that should anything happen my heart will know that I loved him as if today was the last day I had with him. It's not an easy view to keep and I'll be honest I fail at it often. I like routine and the dependability of him always answering the phone and today reminded me that our lives are so short and anything could happen : good or bad. I know that with God I can get through anything but the thought of loosing my husband is so sad just to think of. It breaks my heart for those who have lost their spouse. I can't begin to imagine how painful that is and I pray that God will grant peace and grace to those who are widowed.

 As I drove the last little stretch I wondered what would I have done differently had I truly loved Paul as if yesterday was the last day. I would have given him the cookie dough in the ice-cream instead of letting him give it to me. I thought about how waiting for the perfect timing for a baby sounds ridiculous if you don't know if you get tomorrow. I thought about how I would have let him have the "spot" on the couch with the 2 pillows vs the 1. I would have said I love you a few more times and shared more of the cookie dough chunks when splitting ice-cream. While most of these things seem meaningless they are things that came to mind as I continued to drive praying he was ok.

Since then I've been thinking about it and how easy it is to forget that our lives occur in the blink of an eye and no one is promised tomorrow. It's easy to project and assume that we will all be given happily ever after living to rock next to each other in our old age. That's not the reality for everyone. While I pray that my husband and I will have 73 beautiful years of marriage and die peacefully in our sleep at the same time after having a big family, and serving those around us, I don't know what God's plan is. I do know no matter what it is that I am so blessed to have an amazing husband for as long as God let's us serve Him together.
 <3

 "Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit”—you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow. You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears. Instead you should say, “If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.” But now you are boasting in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil." - James 4:13-16

<3 Anita

A Lenten Reflection

Friends,

Many of you know I converted to Catholicism and was confirmed last May. For the "why" you can read that here: My Conversion Story. This Lent was my first as a Catholic and while I have over the years accepted small forms of Lent, this was the first year I actually viewed the beauty of Lent.

While so many things were different last year as I was anticipating coming into full communion with the church and being able to have the precious Eucharist, this year was even more different. You see I've had almost a year with Jesus physically present: body,blood, soul and divinity and it's changed me.  I find myself more calm, less anxious. More loving, less judging. More serving, less selfish. More humble, less prideful. More aware of my need for Jesus, less focused on needs of the world. More faithful, less lukewarm. While I wish I could tell you I've welcomed the fullness of the grace of God into my life and grown to make much of Him and less of me, what I have done is grown in my knowledge of my own sinfulness and I've grown in my love for God and others.

When I reflect back on how I've grown it hit me that the Church tells you that you will grow in these things when you are catholic. Each sacrament has sanctifying grace, but also specifically defined grace. For reconciliation, it's a knowledge of sin and a growth in an ability to resist it. For the Eucharist, which is a communion with God, it is growth in supernatural charity (love for God and neighbor).  While I can't pinpoint the moments I grew in this, I know I've grown because the way I see people has softened. I see it most with patients that I see. I've grown not to just see them as disease and people but truly, the beautiful creation of God. When they are challenging, I've grown to love them more and I can't explain how because it's really not of me.

You see I didn't realize how sinful I was or how much I didn't love until I came in contact with the grace of God that slowly and surely overwhelmed my heart. It's overwhelming and I feel so heartbroken for how I have viewed people for so long. The words are seared into my heart that used to play in my mind and while I know God has forgiven my hardness of heart and helped me grow, I can't help but be reminded how easy sin feels and how blind to it we can truly be.

1 year with Jesus in the Eucharist has broken my shell, helped me make me more like Christ instead of more like the world.  It's overwhelming as I write these words the power of God in my life and the love He's had for me and continues to show me each day. It doesn't happen overnight but little by little I find myself growing and it's amazing. The most promising thing though is that while I am still so far from truly being like Christ He's not finished with me yet.

Where is God growing you? Where do you need Him to grow you? Let us not rest in our current states and say "that's just how I am" but rather let Him transform us.

I used to rest in the understanding that "no one is perfect" and use that to settle in my imperfection. Now like Paul I hope to run the race well. I hope to run after God with everything I have and even if I miss the mark I hope that I can say that each day I did better than the last. I pray that He would guard my heart for Him, grow me in where He sees my brokenness and chisel away the places that need to be chiseled. This Lent, 40 days of reflection on the WHY Jesus had to save me from my sins grew my knowledge of how He's always been there and has never left me.  He's made me aware....aware of my shortcomings and aware of His grace that fills the gap and pushes me to grow more like Him.

Praying for you friends that God would grow you and make you aware of how He's growing you. Let it inspire your heart to trust Him more and more each day. I can't wait to see how much He continues to grow me in my life as I trust Him to make straight lines out of my crookedness and beauty out of my ashes.
<3

Review: Naturally Pure by Christen

Hi friends!

I am SO excited to share with you a new find of mine in the local farmers market. Don't worry if you don't live near me, it is available online. What could I be so excited about?
Naturally Pure by Christen's products!

Since I was a little girl I have been forced to use scent free soaps. I thought a few years back I might have found an option to get to smell like a peach or something along those lines from Lush- but sadly the Sodium Lauryl Sulfate (SLS) in their products causes a rash and peeling of my skin. I'm not the only one this happens to...just google the substance and a myriad of websites will come up explaining irritation, and other problems that SLS may or may not cause. If I've learned anything in recent years it's better to be safe than sorry I try and avoid it and parabens. I don't treat these substances like anthrax, but I do try and make the best choices I can for myself and my family. Remember it wasn't too many years ago that people used Asbestos for many things, handled it with their bare hands and now we know it is highly carcinogenic.

Not only do I have an allergy to SLS, but I have eczema and another skin condition known as Keratosis Pilaris. I also am really sensitive to dye including that in clothes and definitely in body products.  Sensitive is an understatement for my skin and so the world of pretty smelling, colorful bath products and lotions has always been off limits though I haven't failed to at least try and have suffered the consequences many times. Thankfully I learned about 6-7 months ago that my skin didn't react to natural products as badly. I'm not saying ones that just say "natural" but ones truly made with organic products, essential oils and without SLS. Finding these products is harder than it sounds but when I met Christen at the farmers market and she shared about her truly natural and pure products I was willing to try and I am so glad I did.

The first time I bought a bath bomb and a chapstick. I figured the chapstick would be safe and the bath bomb was a hope but I wasn't better on it. I dropped it in the bathtub, hopped in and oh my goodness did it smell wonderful. "Sweet and Sassy" aroma filled the air and I enjoyed a bath and a book. I got out and had no rash, no red splotches and as I dried my skin no peeling was present. The next morning my skin was still soft and unaffected. It was amazing! Better yet my bathtub wasn't plagued with residue. As the bath drained so did all the color. Needless to say I've repurchased this one!

Cute packaging and such a treat!

Turns the water a beautiful pink color!

The chapstick I got was "Coconut Cream." She makes several different flavors but I'm a sucker for a pina colada so my choice was made easily. The lip balm is extremely smooth and not sticky. Your lips truly feel hydrated and the sensation lasts for quite a while. It's not thick and slowly soaks in to leave your lips nice and soft. I'm excited to try the other flavors soon.

A few more visits to her booth and I've ended up with soap which was a big test. I have NEVER been able to use scented or colored bar soaps and while the popularity of these pretty soaps are everywhere I haven't been able to use them. Multiple attempts from multiple places and I always find I'm throwing them away.  I took a leap of faith after the bath bomb and purchased a few different soaps. She has a large variety that changes depending on what fresh batches she has made but it not hard to find one you'll like-- it's hard to not buy them all!

Loved the Sweet and Sassy bath bomb so much I had to have the soap!

Yes those are real rose petals in this soap!

In the shower the soaps are very smooth and not greasy. They apply easily and are great to shave with. they also don't leave a residue on your skin but do leave a faint scent behind. Again no rash or irritation for me and I am so happy to have found a great product.

I will definitely continue to purchase from Christen. I promise these are my own opinions and Christen isn't paying me nor did she give me anything for free or discount. I have purchased from her and continued to because of the quality.

Naturally Pure products are :

* Paraben Free
* SLS-free
* Petrochemical Free
* Phthalate Free

They are handmade and the attention to detail is incredible. She uses high quality products and is very knowledgable about what should and shouldn't be in your soap.

You can find her at her website : Naturally Pure By Christen
on Facebook : https://www.facebook.com/naturallypurebc?fref=ts

Please give her products a try, I promise it's not just another "natural" soap company but truly a wonderful set of products from a sweet lady. Let me know your favorites!

Now I will just be crossing my fingers for a day in Florida with less than 50% humidity as higher than that and there are no bath bombs as they can't be made. Once you try one you will hope for low humidity days for this reason also.

For It Is When I am Weak That I am Strong

As a convert, one of the things I wish I had known so much earlier is the saints and their writings. I enjoy not only writing but reading and the beauty and timelessness of the words of the saints help me through many a tough day. Their words and writings grow me and challenge me because they were real people with real struggles, real sin, real misunderstandings and real failures. The saints were people like you and me who in the midst of all their mess and struggle aimed to live a life that pointed to heaven and challenged others by word and deed to do the same.  We see so many stories of the saints that show them as less than perfect and their humanity shows me that it is possible that I too could grow to love God the way they do despite my sin and failures. The saints aren't to be worshiped but they are a wonderful help and example.

While reading Interior Castle by Teresa of Avila I have been challenged so much. It's not a book to breeze through but a book to slowly work through, mull over and let the words grow you. Teresa of Avila lived from 1515-1582 and was a Spanish nun and lead a Carmelite Reform. Today Teresa of Avila would have been 500 years old. When she was 2 Martin Luther would nail the 95 thesis to the Wittenberg door and in her lifetime she would see many including herself become lax in the pursuit of God. However, God woke up her faith through many illness and challenges so when you read her works your reading not only an encouragement in spiritual growth but its peppered with her own autobiography. She was Canonized as a saint in 1622 and elevated to Doctor of the Church by Pope Paul VI in 1970 being the first women to be honored as such. Teresa was a mystic. She knew there was more than just what could be intellectualized and yet she possibly was one of the most intellectual female saints I've read.

Interior Castle explains union with God and the stages in which spiritual perfection could be reached. "I began to think of the soul as if it were a castle made of a single diamond or of very clear crystal, in which there are many rooms, just as in Heaven there are many mansions." - Teresa wrote. Such a picture is beautiful to me as I explain God in a similar way as a diamond that can reflect a beautiful light in different colors and directions depending on your angle of looking at Him. Through the book she describes mansions where "the most secret things pass between God and the soul." While I haven't finished the book despite I've been reading it a while, I am slowly working through the mansions and reflecting on them. Now in the sixth mansions I've grown and been challenged to be closer to God and so much of what I read challenges me to love and care for those around me in a much more humble way. One such portion I've read over and over is the following :

"The Lord is also in the habit of sending the most grievous infirmities. This is a much greater trial, especially if the pains are severe; in some ways, when they are very acute, I think they are the greatest earthly trial that exists- the greatest of exterior trials, I mean- however many a soul may suffer; I repeat it is only to very acute pains that I am referring. For they affect the soul both outwardly and inwardly, till it becomes so much oppressed as not to know what to do with itself, and would much rather suffer any martyrdom than these pains. Still, at the very worst, they do not last so longer- no longer, as a rule, than other bad illnesses do. For, after all, God gives us no more than we can bear, and He gives patience first." 

Such a thought has been wrestling in my heart as I have been seeing patients with both acute and chronic pains. Moreover, I've had sweet friends go through some incredibly painful conditions.  As I think back to the many patients and people I've seen go through severe physical pains her explanation of the acute pains being some of the most severe are so true. I find those I've known with chronic pain  have grown to learn to manage the aches and pains not that that lessens the challenge but they have grown in strength to manage the interior and exterior difficulties.  In the acute however I've seen the look of despair. I've seen the fear. I've see the challenge to know if their next breath will be followed by another or not. There is something that happens in these acute pains and infirmities. The severe pain that does shake the sufferer to not know what to do. It's amazing and something that has grown me in compassion to see. It's so sad to see that look of fear and so challenging when you experience it yourself.

During the time I've spent shadowing and then during my ER rotation I learned so much about this. So often health care providers look at a patient who comes in, confused as to why their here when they aren't having what we would deem as a medical emergency. However, I learned quickly that people run to the ER when they are past their ability to cope with whatever pain that has happened whether interior or exterior. In their hearts and minds it is an emergency because they don't know what is next. Others, they should come to their doctor or the ER so much sooner than they do but the physical and emotion pain of the acute situation cause them so much fear that they can not clearly chose to seek proper care, or their fear of what could happen keeps them away.  At times the physical can be so painful, as can the emotional. It's no secret that physical pain can cause emotional pain and emotional pain can cause physical symptoms. Both are not easy to handle and both can shock us to a moment of not knowing what to do or where to turn.

Terese explains so perfectly ...they do not last long... and "For, after all, God gives us no more than we can bear, and He gives patience first." I am so thankful for this truth. The acute sharp pain that causes panic does not last long. We either are given the strength to bear with it for its duration or the infirmity is lifted by various means (medication, treatment, God's healing).

Friends I'm praying for you in these challenges. Please do not believe the lie that your illness or suffering is because of a lack of faith or belief. Friends that is NOT true. Do not look to the verses of "you reap what you sow" and go to the place of thinking your sick or injured or hurting whether interiorly or externally because of what you've sown. God allows many things in His timing for His purpose. At times our choices do lead to illness and injury but at times God allows challenges to grow us. He allows the hard times because He loves us and wants to give us His grace and gifts. For many also these challenges help them turn back to God which is His desire. He desires that ALL would know and love Him.
Friends on the good days and bad: Love Him. Don't turn away on the hard days but turn toward Him. He alone will be your strength, He will give you no more than you can bear as He will give you what you need.

"but He has answered me, 'My grace is enough for you: for power is at full stretch in weakness.' It is, then, about my weaknesses that I am happiest of all to boast, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me; and that is why I am glad of weaknesses, insults, constraints, persecutions and distress for Christ's sake. For it is when I am weak that I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

Happy Birthday St. Teresa of Avila. Thank you for your example and encouragement. 

Teresa's Bookmark Prayer:


Nada te turbe,
nada te espante;
todo se pasa,
Dios no se muda.
La pacientia todo lo alcanza.
Quien a Dios tiene nada la falta:
solo Dios basta.


meaning:

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

<3

Suffering Is a Call To Conversion

It's amazing the depth of just a sentence. In a world of Facebook, Instagram and Twitter posts we have learned to sum our thoughts and lives into short sentiments that portray our thoughts, actions or feelings. The weight in Pope Francis' tweet though is amazing.

Suffering is a call to conversion.
Our frailty and vulnerability call us to conversion.

Friends it amazed me to think about this as I recently went on a Christ Renews His Parish retreat at my church and now am planning the next retreat. I won't go into detail about it but know that I would recommend it to anyone, it's a great experience. If I learned anything in meeting the ladies from CRHP and my experiences in my own life I see so much truth in the Holy Father's words. As I listen to the stories of those around me and think of my own I find the commonality of those who turn to God in times of challenge, and forget about Him when things are good.  I'll admit that for a period of my life this was my relationship with God. I never meant it to be that way, I would have told you I believed in Him no matter what the season. It's only in retrospect that I can tell you that I only really ran to Him when things were more than I could handle.  I didn't look for guidance unless I felt lost. I didn't look for comfort until I felt scared. I didn't really look to honor Him I just didn't want to anger Him. It was the challenges and trials in my life that helped me to rely on Him and as I relied on Him I learned each time that He never would leave me or forsake me. When I felt far from God it was because I had moved and it was my challenges that helped me walk back. Now God doesn't cause bad things to happen but He allows  things to happen and works through them. It's the trials in my life: the tough days, my mom dying, my grandmother getting alzheimers and passing away, relationships ending, work difficulties, the hard days in PA school, the bad days, the good days, all of them have helped me to move closer and closer to God. I've come to know that my relationship with Him is everything and my closeness to Him makes a huge difference in how I handle the suffering in my life.

I am so thankful for all the lessons He has taught me in the midst of the messiest days of my life. It's my frailty and vulnerability that shows me my consistent need for a savior.  Friends turn to Him in the good days and the tough ones. He alone can fill your needs and give rest to your soul.

Let your frailty and vulnerability remind you of your humanity. Let your humanity remind you that you were created and you need your creator. Let your suffering call your heart to deeper conversion.
<3

It's Only When We Are Vulnerable That We Have True Community

I have been so privileged in the past couple of weeks. So amazed and blessed. I can't put my finger on why...but God has graced me with the privilege of having people share their stories with me. Stories that we mostly would not normally want to share and yet one by one they have come into my life to share. It's been beautiful to hear the challenges, the joys and yet it's also brought so much reality and truth to my heart.

It's been the women who's husbands have left after many years of marriage for someone else and yet their strength to attempt to forgive, to honor God, to move forward. The beauty of their struggle and yet each story I've heard in the last few months with these circumstances seems to amaze me in their strength. I have to be honest I didn't know how common infidelity was, and know that I never think infidelity is beautiful: it's heart breaking. What is beautiful is the strength of some of those I have met to deal with the situation and circumstances with grace. 

It's been those I've meet with challenges with children whether infertility, miscarriage, the loss of a child through abortion or the challenge of choosing adoption. I've been privileged to meet many with unique stories but the commonality that being a parent is hard and facing that struggle with beauty and grace. It's listening to the mom who's child has a new diagnosis or disease, the friend who shares her children are wearing her out with attempts to parent, and the challenge of parenting well despite our own sinfulness and challenges. It's shows a beautiful picture of how great our God is to be our loving heavenly Father and listen and care so patiently for each of us.  The struggles of motherhood that I don't know personally as I don't have babies of my own yet, but struggles I understand within my own experiences as a child.  It gives me so much to pray about, that God would prepare Paul and I for parenthood and His timing. If there is anything I've learned from these beautiful stories is that I must certainly grow in my understanding and dependence of our Lord if I am ever to parent well.  It is only from Christ that I will learn selfless love. While I can learn many other things from many other people it will be at the feet of Jesus that I learn how to care children, and subsequently how to love all of God's children around me. 

It's the stories of loss of a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a child from many circumstances. It's the family member who cries over their loved one's challenges. It's the commonality that when our loves ones hurt we hurt too that teaches me so much about how when we hurt our Savior's heart hurts too. I think back to times in my life of heartbreak and challenge and now see that as I felt the temptation to lend to despair, which is a lie as we are never alone, that God too felt my hurt and counted my tears precious one by one as His word tells me. 

It's pain, disease and death that meets me in so many places whether at work or in my daily interactions. It's the reminder that we aren't meant for this world and yet the struggle of honoring Him no matter how low the valley or high the mountain top of each day.  I used to think it was in the hardest times that God felt farthest away but now in retrospect I can see that is when He has been closest. It's been in the challenges I've run toward Him and in the joys at times I've thought I could handle things on my own. If I've learned anything in my life it's that no matter how wonderful or tough the day I can't do it alone and it's all by the grace of God I'm where I am. 

Friends in all the stories that have been shared with me in my life by friends, neighbors, patients, strangers, each has become a precious gift to me. Whether you know it or not when you share with me you teach me that the very beauty in each of us is our humanity. I admire the struggle it takes to be human that is displayed in such a varied yet similar way. No matter the story or the person involved our desire for peace and happiness is evident in all of us and it's the beauty of the fight for that that overwhelms my soul. 

Don't be afraid to share your story. I'll tell you the truth of your story is more beautiful than the mask you could wear to cover it. It's only when we share that we can let others know they aren't alone. It's only when we are vulnerable that we can have true community. Somewhere along the way I was taught the lie that we should pretend that everything is fine no matter if it's not. That we shouldn't share the reality of our lives or the truth of our story but rather should blend in. This lie is unhealthy and untrue. It's only when we know what someone is going through that we can offer a hand to help, offer a prayer, or know to say "you too? I thought I was the only one." 

thank you friends for your stories. Thank you for letter me pray for you. thank you for showing me more about God even when you didn't know you were doing it. <3 

I pray my story can do the same for you.

Much later, when I understood what perfection was, I realised that to become a saint one must suffer a great deal, always seek what is best, and forget oneself. I understood that there were many kinds of of sanctity and that each soul was free to respond to the approaches of Our Lord and to do little or much for Him — in other words,to make a choice among the sacrifices He demands. Then, just as when I was a child, I cried: “My God, I choose all. I do not want to be a saint by halves. I am not afraid to suffer for You. I fear only one thing — that I should keep my own will. So take it, for I choose all that You will.” – St. Thérèse of Lisieux, The Story of a Soul.

For the Tough Days When God Gave You More Than You Could Handle.

There have been too many times I've heard "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I bet many of you can attest that God has given you more than you can handle, I know He's challenged me. The truth is He does give us too much at times, and while alone it is too much He can give us immeasurable strength to help us in any situation. It's trust in that that keeps us moving on the days when it feels like an uphill battle in the pouring rain through the mud.

and friends... there are days where thats me and let me tell you...
I don't like mud.

It's great to know we aren't alone friends isn't it? You ever felt like that? stuck in the mud?

I've been reading about Anthony of Egypt, who thankfully is recognized by pretty much everyone for his faith.  He wanted to purge himself of everything not of God so he went into the desert and hid in caves and tombs. What we know about him is that demons attacked him physically and spiritually.
St. Athanasius who lived around the same time chronicled his life, in a work that is respected by all christians and we see a beautiful answer from God as Anthony cried out in challenges:

Where were you God?’ Antony asked, ‘Why
didn’t you ease my temptations and pains?’
And a voice came to him: ‘Antony, I was
here, but I waited to see you fight.’”
-St. Athanasius

From the picture below depicted by Michaelangelo St. Antony sure was fighting.

Michaelangel's first painting

The Torment of St. Antony

image link

Friends. There are times where I feel I'm in the desert, in the mud, in the rain, in whatever element we wanna call it, and while at times our God asks me to be still while He fights for me, at other times our  Lord pushes me and wants to see me night like He pushed Antony.

Friends that fight is almost always spiritual and almost always internal for me.  While there have been times I've endured physical issues, the challenge to be faithful and self controlled in a storm is great. It's in the moment's that challenges arise that I must control my heart, my mind and my tongue.

Please know that whether He is fighting for you, or watching you fight He is always there. He will never leave you or forsake you and He has the perfect plan. While I can't always see the plan, and my the directions seem fuzzy, I know taking a step toward God is always leading me to the right path.

So when the days are hard and work challenges you, health challenges you, relationships challenge you, or whatever the challenge is, know that He will give you the strength, and you will overcome. It might not be graceful and you might end up covered in dirt, He is with you.
Friends I'm praying for you. If I can be praying for you specifically let me know.
I'm in a season where He's given me way more than I can handle but I know it's not too much for Him. In this season I feel He's called me to fight so I'm not giving up, no matter how much mud.
<3
Anita

The year of Love

For the last several years I've prayed for a word of the year. It's not a limit on God to teach me one thing but a challenge for me to see what He is teaching me in one area. I pick an area I need to grow in,  He has taught me so much each time I've done this. I could sum up what He taught me in a million words as He is so faithful to grow us if we ask Him too... but in 2014 I wanted to grow in Love. 

It's not that I didn't love, or I didn't want to love. It's that I knew that so much of my heart wasn't filled with a love that I wanted it to be filled with, a love like Christ. 

In 2014 God challenged what I thought love was. 

He challenged me to love my patients in a radical way. To love them the way Christ would, but also challenged me to see Christ in each of them so that I could see that as I serve and love my patient I am serving our Lord. This didn't hit me at once, but slowly permeated me. I found myself holding the hand of many, having them bear their souls to me, and being challenged to look past whatever they were saying and just love them. Just encourage them. At times that was challenging as not all our charitable, and at times I argued with God "are you sure you want me to say that... do that?" And yet He was faithful to reassure me. It was amazing and as I did I found that that He produced such joy in my heart. 

He challenged me to love my husband more. To trust him more and to grow in my patience. Patience doesn't come easy for me, and all sorts of circumstances have challenged me to make that harder but I consistently prayed for my heart and for my husband in 2014 and I found He did grow me so much. I know that part of this growth has been because of the physical encounter with Jesus in the Eucharist, but I will explained that more in a bit. 

He challenged me to love people that at times felt unlovable. I find it is hardest to do this with people I know well, but I know that no one is unlovable, all are God's handy work and beautiful even if I struggle to see the beauty. I felt convicted when I knew my heart wasn't what it should be toward a given person or situation and yet I know that that feeling of conviction was God loving me enough to grow me. Such a report is challenging but so helpful. 

He's shown me that He loves me in so many ways. It's not only in the ways where He works out something in some miraculous way, or does what I want, but sometimes putting me somewhere challenging is His way of loving me to grow my faith, and help me grow my dependence on Him. I never wanted to look at it that way because it seemed difficult.

Encountering Jesus in the Eucharist has been amazing. Seeing Him love me to sacrifice His life for me, and then loves me enough to never leave me is an incredible miracle that is the ultimate example of love. I was confirmed in 2014 and got to partake for the first time. It's amazing and definitely a huge testament of love. I'm so thankful for it.

For 2015 I'm letting God continue to teach me and help me to TRANSCEND or : Go beyond the limits. Beyond the limits of what I think I know or can do, and beyond the barriers that I've set for myself. 

What is your word of the year friends?

<3

Anita

10 Things I wish I Knew The First Time I Went To Mass

Dear Friend,

I remember my first mass. I saw a "nun" for the first time that was real and not dressed up for Halloween. I didn't know much about what would call her to the church, nor did I knew she should be called a sister not a nun but I loved her beauty that was nothing physical.

I remember walking in and seeing people dressed at varying levels some casual some dressy. A water bowl at the door and people kneeling to the front before sitting. I got in a pew in the back, see I didn't want to sit to close to the front to look like I was apart of it. I wanted a seat to observe. I refused to sit and stand and kneel when the people around me did because I didn't know why they were doing it. I had to know the reason behind the ritual. Thankfully there were answers that I've learned. So top 10 things I wish I knew before I went to mass the first time.

1. Everything in the mass is about Jesus. It's not about you, the priest, your how many people we can attract. It's about Jesus and His glory. We kneel for Jesus, We bow for Jesus. We ask for His mercy and forgiveness, we celebrate His life, death and resurrections. It's about Him.

2. The homily is not intended to blow your socks off. While it might, the mass is not sermon centered like in the protestant churches. It's supposed to be a short concise reflection on the readings to teach you one thing to apply to your life that ANYONE in that room can understand. It's not to grow head knowledge but to grow your heart. You don't even have to like the homily because that's not what the mass is for or about.

3. Holy water: there is a little bowel (font) by the door and a bigger one for baptism filled with water. Don't drink it. Don't be surprised when people are sprinkling it on themselves. They didn't forget to shower, it's holy water. How is this water different? It's been blessed and is the water we use for baptism.

4. The priest is not wearing a dress. It's a vestment. It's color coordinates with the liturgical calendar. It looks like a dress but it isn't. The priest is there to say the mass. He's not to be worshiped and neither are the statues and pictures you see around. While you may see people kneeling in front of statues or art, know that they are praying. We only pray to God but we do ask our family, friends, brothers, sisters, angels and saints to pray for us. God alone answers prayer but we are all a family of God. Death does not separate us from our family.

5. Eucharist: Catholics believe that the bread and wine, through a miracle of the Holy Spirit becomes the body and blood of Jesus. It's not symbolic it's literal but yet it doesn't look like or taste like flesh and blood. It still have the form of bread but yet it contains within it the body, blood soul and divinity of Jesus. You will see some people just take the bread, and not the cup. Jesus is fully present in both so you don't have to take both to have all of Jesus.

If you are not catholic, or have committed any mortal sin that has not been absolved in confession, then you can not take the Eucharist. However, we are all welcome at the altar. It doesn't matter what you've done or failed to do, who you are or are not you are welcome. You simply go up and cross your arms across your chest so the priest or Eucharistic minister knows to bless you and not feed you.  Don't feel like you need separate in the pew. Be part of the community and come up if you feel comfortable. Because it is our Lord we protect it. Only those in full communion of the Catholic church are given the Eucharist. There are a lot of details and explanations but this isn't the blog post for that.

Because it is Jesus: I recommend you sit as close as you can. I want to be as close to His presence as I can get.

6. We stay until the final hymn. You will see people duck out after the Eucharist, or walk out behind the priest. However the mass doesn't actually end until the final hymn. Angels attend the mass so out of respect for them we try not to talk in the church. It is COMPLETELY appropriate to kneel and thank God for the mass before you leave and after the hymn.

7. When you come in you will see people getting on one knee toward the front. It's called genuflecting. We do that to recognize the King of Kings is present. The red candle up front will be lit if Jesus in the form of the Eucharist is there. He's there almost every mass except a few special ones. When you sit we then kneel and pray God will prepare our hearts for the mass. I use it as time to pray for all the people I said I was going to pray for. I want to leave that with Jesus before the mass so I'm focused.

In the pew you will see all sorts of things. EVERYONE is welcome at mass. No matter your race, religion, sexual orientation, beliefs, social status or anything else you could think of to divide over. The Catholic Church opens their pews and doors to everyone, with no exception. It doesn't matter what you wear, but try and dress in a way that is honoring to God.

The children are invited to mass. You will hear babies crying, children fussing and talking. They are learning so be patient with them. Enjoy their presence. We want everyone to come to mass and be part of the family.

8. There isn't a bible in the catholic church pew, but there is a book that has the specific readings from the bible printed in it so you can easily follow along. It's not that we don't like the bible, we do, it's our book. We know that everyone doesn't know the order of it though or how to find things so we want everyone to be able to follow along. Simply find the date in the book and it will get you through the readings. Still having trouble? Can't read? The early christians didn't have any of this. Simply sit and listen and soak up the words. Listen to them as though you know you won't hear this part in mass again for 3 years. You see the church reads through the bible in 3 year cycles (year A, B and C). We then start over.

9. Don't worry about missing what's happening at your parish mass: the mass is the same all over the world. On the given day you go: everyone around the world is reading the same readings. We read from the old testament ,psalm,  new testament and gospel. Daily mass is shorter than Saturday vigil or Sunday but remember the mass is about Jesus and the Eucharist. That happens every mass. Mass is being said every minute of the day somewhere in the world and you can use great resources like masstimes.org to help you find one wherever you are.

10. Tithe- We don't demand 10% in the catholic church like many churches do but we know that everything is Gods and we give "as each is able." The Catholic church feeds and clothes more than anyone other organization in the world. That money is stewarded well and know there are a lot of people looking and checking to make sure the funds are being used appropriately. None of the priests live in big fancy houses. Most priests make about $25,000 a year to cover their living expenses. Sometimes they take a second collection toward the end for a special intention: like a group of sisters who need help, for the bishops project, the mortgage on the church. God loves a cheerful giver and wants you to give what you can. Make it a priority. Let it be the first check you write out of your budget. All of the activities of the church, maintenance, electricity, ect

There is more I could say on each of these individually and more points I could share on all of it but I'll leave it here.

Friend I love that you are taking the step to attend a mass. Don't be worried. Just go and if you even just stand there the whole time no one will be concerned because it's not about you it's about Jesus.

I hope this helps you in your journey to explore mass. No matter what mass you attend it will be beautiful because Jesus is there.

God bless
Anita

Dear John Pavlovitz and People Leaving Churches:

I read an article from John Pavlovitz which you can read here Dear Church Here's Why People Are Really Leaving You.

John,

I'm going to write to you like my brother, because that is what you are my brother in Christ. First I wanna say thank you. Thank you for recognizing and sharing some of the challenges that the Church is undergoing. Your right. There are many issues. I did a little check on your blog and some of the ones you touch on are big. We have a lot of people walking a lot of different directs and all of them seem to be away instead of walking together.

About 2 years ago I had a similar struggle. I grew up Southern Baptist with a myriad of visits to non-denominational, community, Lutheran, and other churches. I could not understand how Jesus called us to be 1 and yet there were 30,000 denominations of the Christian faith and yet I didn't really know who to ask.  I got tired of your same complaints: the Sundays where "worship" meant music and lights, when some of my greatest moments of worship of God have been in complete silence in the dark. Where truth meant finding someone who had a bigger bible than I did and asking their opinion which may completely contradict with the guy I asked the same question to with an equally big bible. Somehow I found spiritual blindness was so real to me, because just as soon as questions would enter my heart on the history of the church, or what did the church being the foundation and pillar of truth in 1 Timothy 3:15 really look like? They would disappear as if  old Screwtape was helping me remember my hunger and have a bus pass by so I would forget all about it. I came to the place where you are. Frustrated. I  asked God was this what He really wanted? Did He want a rock show, an emotional experience to the tune of whatever artist was  now popular, with the quiet words of a preacher hushed and asking me to come forward and rededicate my life as if I wasn't called to pick up my cross and dedicate my life daily. Don't get me wrong, I love good music and I don't mind lights, but what I wanted was the spotlight on my savior, what I wanted was meat and not milk.

As I talked with friends they would say things like "So you think we need to ask God how we can love Him more each day?" and were bewildered when I said "Yes." I found that the words I read in my bible didn't seem to be taught.  Paul wrote of a desire to finish the race well lest he be disqualified. David wrote of his love and devotion for God that he hoped would carry him all of the days. Ephesians says we are 1 body with 1 baptism, 1 Lord. ONE. Perhaps my math needed some help or perhaps 30,000 didn't equal 1. I learned that when it says we are saved by grace through faith that somehow many dropped the grace claiming we are saved by faith alone... and it's the grace I needed. 

Brother when I got to where you are people said "your just thinking about it too much"  or "God left a spiritual church" as if the Holy Spirit was ever not literal.  There is no harm in looking and questioning and I am praying for you that you will find a home in the body of Christ. I don't want anyone homeless because here's the deal we are all on the same team if Jesus is Lord. You don't need John MacArthur's study notes, or the latest version of the most watered down version of the bible with the most decorated cover. You need Jesus. You need a bible you can read and you need an honest heart and brother I see that heart in you.

So where did I land? The last place I ever wanted to be. I humbly asked God to lead me and help me and I told Him I would go anywhere He led. He took me literally and tested my "anywhere" and called me home to the Catholic Church. It's not what I thought it was in anyway (turns out Catholics are Christians which I didn't know). I found some of the things your looking for: Jesus, love, a reaching hand, acceptance and meat.

I found a people who get on their knees to worship Jesus. I found a church that didn't have a stage but an altar. I found pastors that weren't trying to be bigger than God but rather were trying to magnify God to be bigger for me. They challenged me to be humble, to trust Him, to turn every stone on the path I was on. They weren't afraid of my questions and didn't get impatient. Did I meet sinners in the Church? ABSOLUTELY. People will fail you consistently brother just as Peter, James and John fell asleep when Jesus asked them to pray outside the garden. God was and is faithful and helped me grow in the same love and acceptance I was looking for. The pieces started to fit together and I found that when I striped away what I thought the Catholic Church did and taught I found the Church that I was looking for.

The Church is as big as you want or as shallow as you want. We don't pull out the greek and jump in the depth during the homily (sermon), but rather encourage you to dig as deep as you want when you want. The mass is about Jesus, not about me. It's not about appealing to my feelings or growing my head knowledge or about having the perfect song. We sing the psalms, we read the scripture, we worship Jesus and then we are charge to Go. We are sent on a mission into the world to share Jesus and be His hands and feet. See when we encounter Jesus we might go back to the same place but we don't go back the same way. The Church is open 7 days a week and the encounter with Jesus has been life changing.

What you speak of reaching outside the building: that's Charity and that's what we do. The Catholic church clothes and feeds more than any organization in the world. It's not an option to give but just as the bible says God loves a cheerful giver and we each give as we are able. The two silver coins of the woman are just as beautiful as me giving everything I can. We don't restrict to a percentage but each give as much as we can.

The battles many churches have chosen are just what you said "Lousy," When planned parenthood was opening up an office in my neighborhood we all came together and do you know how many pastors and churches weren't with us because they were afraid standing for the unborn would divide their church? A lot. In fact I was amazed at how many weren't with us, and surprised at the Catholics who agreed to pray around the clock for these babies. We stand for life from conception to natural death and we do our best to defend it. This is one example but I'm with you. Let's stand and fight for the noble causes and if we are the only 2 on the front line I'll be there.

You last point is possibly the most beautiful: "Love seems like a pretty big deal to you but we aren't getting that..." Amen. I can't tell you the number of people I have met that have left the church because they were "voted out" or asked to leave from a particular denomination for whatever reason and I want to scream and ask ARE WE ALL NOT THE WOMAN AT THE WELL? And if we are, and treated others like Jesus treated that woman, wouldn't we do what she did and repent and RUN and tell the whole town about Jesus? We forget that belief comes before behavior but we all belong at the foot of the cross whether we believe or behave. Some forget that though and instead we draw lines of what sins or appearances aren't good enough to sit in the chair next to us. That is why I love my church. We keep the kids in church because everyone is welcome. We keep the elderly and carry them in when can't walk down the isle. We keep the loud and rude and tattooed and various sexual beliefs or marital statuses or social classes. We welcome the homeless in and invite all to the hospital for the broken because brother you and I both know we are all broken and let's just be honest it's  not because of our lack of belief. It's because of my beliefs that I see my brokenness and that I can hold the pieces together, offer my brokenness to our Lord because he can make beauty out of anything, even me.

So John and all who agreed with your words: Brothers, sisters, I'm praying hard for you. I'm praying that you will know you do matter and you are welcome. I am praying that you will know we don't want you walking away but please don't give up the search. We are called as brothers and sisters of Christ to not separate. Please lets stop dividing and start building.

I don't want to tolerate you, I want to love you like Christ would have me love my own hand. I want to encourage you that you aren't alone in your feelings and I'm sure that there are many of us that agree with you. Let me say this YOUR ABSOLUTELY RIGHT TO BE HURT and I am so sorry that you are. We know that our tears are precious as He counts them and collects them in Jars. If God can do that for my tears how much more and I to catch and care for those around me.

I'm reaching out and so is the whole Church with me. I'm happy to help anyway I can and I hope you will take this with the love that it was written with and accept my sincere apology for our brothers and sisters who too are still growing and learning. Be patient with them.

I pray that the peace of Christ would be with you. That God would bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you.