A Lenten Reflection

Friends,

Many of you know I converted to Catholicism and was confirmed last May. For the "why" you can read that here: My Conversion Story. This Lent was my first as a Catholic and while I have over the years accepted small forms of Lent, this was the first year I actually viewed the beauty of Lent.

While so many things were different last year as I was anticipating coming into full communion with the church and being able to have the precious Eucharist, this year was even more different. You see I've had almost a year with Jesus physically present: body,blood, soul and divinity and it's changed me.  I find myself more calm, less anxious. More loving, less judging. More serving, less selfish. More humble, less prideful. More aware of my need for Jesus, less focused on needs of the world. More faithful, less lukewarm. While I wish I could tell you I've welcomed the fullness of the grace of God into my life and grown to make much of Him and less of me, what I have done is grown in my knowledge of my own sinfulness and I've grown in my love for God and others.

When I reflect back on how I've grown it hit me that the Church tells you that you will grow in these things when you are catholic. Each sacrament has sanctifying grace, but also specifically defined grace. For reconciliation, it's a knowledge of sin and a growth in an ability to resist it. For the Eucharist, which is a communion with God, it is growth in supernatural charity (love for God and neighbor).  While I can't pinpoint the moments I grew in this, I know I've grown because the way I see people has softened. I see it most with patients that I see. I've grown not to just see them as disease and people but truly, the beautiful creation of God. When they are challenging, I've grown to love them more and I can't explain how because it's really not of me.

You see I didn't realize how sinful I was or how much I didn't love until I came in contact with the grace of God that slowly and surely overwhelmed my heart. It's overwhelming and I feel so heartbroken for how I have viewed people for so long. The words are seared into my heart that used to play in my mind and while I know God has forgiven my hardness of heart and helped me grow, I can't help but be reminded how easy sin feels and how blind to it we can truly be.

1 year with Jesus in the Eucharist has broken my shell, helped me make me more like Christ instead of more like the world.  It's overwhelming as I write these words the power of God in my life and the love He's had for me and continues to show me each day. It doesn't happen overnight but little by little I find myself growing and it's amazing. The most promising thing though is that while I am still so far from truly being like Christ He's not finished with me yet.

Where is God growing you? Where do you need Him to grow you? Let us not rest in our current states and say "that's just how I am" but rather let Him transform us.

I used to rest in the understanding that "no one is perfect" and use that to settle in my imperfection. Now like Paul I hope to run the race well. I hope to run after God with everything I have and even if I miss the mark I hope that I can say that each day I did better than the last. I pray that He would guard my heart for Him, grow me in where He sees my brokenness and chisel away the places that need to be chiseled. This Lent, 40 days of reflection on the WHY Jesus had to save me from my sins grew my knowledge of how He's always been there and has never left me.  He's made me aware....aware of my shortcomings and aware of His grace that fills the gap and pushes me to grow more like Him.

Praying for you friends that God would grow you and make you aware of how He's growing you. Let it inspire your heart to trust Him more and more each day. I can't wait to see how much He continues to grow me in my life as I trust Him to make straight lines out of my crookedness and beauty out of my ashes.
<3