My husband doesn't disappear, and rarely does he not answer my call. If he doesn't answer I get a text almost immediately saying something like "hey I'll call in a minute." I pressed the button for the elevator and rode down 3 floors to the bottom. I walked to the parking garage where normally I'm updating my sweet husband on my day. Today, I walked in silence.
I got to the car and pulled out of the garage and tried to call again. Voicemail.
I thought it was strange but figured well maybe he is doing something but he will call me right back. My 35 minute commute was a little longer due to traffic and such. I got on the interstate and as each mile marker passed and my phone didn't right I felt myself get more worried. 10 miles in... I called.
Voicemail.
Another few miles I dialed again. Voicemail. I found myself starting to worry. What if? What if something happened? And just as the thought hit my head my heart began to pray. A few more attempts and I left a voicemail, sent a text and nothing. The more miles I drove I was realizing that truly something could be wrong. I called his best friend to see if he had talked to him past 10 am. No--- 8 am they talked. I called his work. No answer meaning he wasn't there.
God allowed me to feel the weight of what it would be like if something happened to my husband and all in a mile or two I felt an immense heart break for the possible. I've never been so worried for Paul, because like I said- He doesn't disappear. I prayed "God please let him be ok and if he isn't give me the strength for whatever the circumstances." With each mile the tears began to fall until I was completely for a moment overwhelmed with fear. I prayed that God would calm my heart until I could get home.
Of course it felt as though my car was moving in slow motion and I tried calling again. Finally getting off the interstate I called my best friend Suzanne to tell her that I didn't know if he was ok and as I'm racing to tell her that I don't even know who else to call..my phone beeps and his name appeared on the screen. A mix of joy and "I can't believe you, don't do that again" hit me but oh man was the joy sweet to hear his voice.
Turns out...he plugged his phone in the other room. (He agreed not to do that again.)
It wasn't easy that drive home but sitting now on the couch with my dog and husband I'm reminded at how grateful I am. How I hope to love my husband in such a way that should anything happen my heart will know that I loved him as if today was the last day I had with him. It's not an easy view to keep and I'll be honest I fail at it often. I like routine and the dependability of him always answering the phone and today reminded me that our lives are so short and anything could happen : good or bad. I know that with God I can get through anything but the thought of loosing my husband is so sad just to think of. It breaks my heart for those who have lost their spouse. I can't begin to imagine how painful that is and I pray that God will grant peace and grace to those who are widowed.
As I drove the last little stretch I wondered what would I have done differently had I truly loved Paul as if yesterday was the last day. I would have given him the cookie dough in the ice-cream instead of letting him give it to me. I thought about how waiting for the perfect timing for a baby sounds ridiculous if you don't know if you get tomorrow. I thought about how I would have let him have the "spot" on the couch with the 2 pillows vs the 1. I would have said I love you a few more times and shared more of the cookie dough chunks when splitting ice-cream. While most of these things seem meaningless they are things that came to mind as I continued to drive praying he was ok.
Since then I've been thinking about it and how easy it is to forget that our lives occur in the blink of an eye and no one is promised tomorrow. It's easy to project and assume that we will all be given happily ever after living to rock next to each other in our old age. That's not the reality for everyone. While I pray that my husband and I will have 73 beautiful years of marriage and die peacefully in our sleep at the same time after having a big family, and serving those around us, I don't know what God's plan is. I do know no matter what it is that I am so blessed to have an amazing husband for as long as God let's us serve Him together.
<3
"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit”—you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow. You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears. Instead you should say, “If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.” But now you are boasting in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil." - James 4:13-16
<3 Anita
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