Moments That Test You.

A sweet girl at work today asked me "Do you ever have moments with patients?" To which I replied along the lines of "moments like...man how fast can I get to a lazy river and a raft?"

I won't speak for every health care provider but to say our patients don't teach us all patience seems impossible. I have moments. Moments where I feel stretched. Moments where I feel overwhelmed. Moments where I'm nervous. Moments where my patient yells at me over their frustration of their medical problems.

But then there are other moments. moments where your heart breaks for the patient. Moments where you would do anything to help and there is nothing you can do. Moments where you want to treat one problem but can't because their other diagnoses limit what you can do and all you can say is "I'm so sorry."

I have moments in all areas of my life. Moments where I loose patience with my husband. Moments where I loose the kindness. Moments where I need a break. Moments where I can do no more. Moments where I'm deficient. Moments where I feel deficient when I'm not.

Our lives are made of moments and these moments test us. These moments grow us. These moments shape us. These moments challenge us.

In The Imitation of Christ by Thomas Akempis Chapter 16 "Bearing with the faults of others" says

"Until God ordains otherwise, a man out to bear patiently whatever he cannot correct in himself and in others. Consider it better thus- perhaps to try your patience and test you, for without such patience and trial your merits are of little account. Nevertheless, under such difficulties you should pray that God will consent to help you bear them calmly"

This leads us back to James 1:2-4 "2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

I've written about this scripture before here:Count It All Joy

Friends in this year when I'm learning about thanksgiving I find days where I'm less than thankful. I had moments today where I was far from thankful and I imagine you have moments as well where you don't "Count it all Joy." In this season of advent let's allow God to work in our hearts and grow thankfulness in us. Let's be reminded that our trials are testing our faith and when we fail the test let's prepare harder for the next one. It's only when we are completely focused on Christ that we truly can count it all joy and deal with each difficulty calmly.

Friends I'm praying you will have joy and patience. That in this season of advent you will allow Christ to move in your life

<3

God's Will for us.

For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it- luke 14:28

As a type A personality, I can tell you... I'll sit and plan that tower...count the cost...recount the cost..plan some more...count again... and when I'm double and triple sure- I'll build. I've done this most of my life as I grew up with not a whole lot of consistent support and throughout highschool, college, and graduate school didn't really have anyone to lean on other than God. Yet God provided, in miraculous ways. And I found that when He made it clear that I was going to be a PA...that I didn't really have time to sit and count and recount before I built because I had 3 weeks before classes started, and I had no way to pay for it than student loans. So I avoided counting. I avoided looking at my interest rate. I avoided watching the debt add up each semester because I knew there was nothing I could do about it until I graduated.

Now. I'm graduated.

Now they e-mailed me "we are so excited for your graduation.....your student loans are coming to haunt you." Ok so maybe they don't use the word haunt, but they do email me reminding me that I do have loans and I do owe more than I make. But that cost- while great- while maybe not counted and recounted by me- God knew the cost. God knew where He was sending me and God helped me to succeed and survive the program.

I wish I could tell you I just barely survived. But I didn't. I graduated with honors and was chosen for Pi Alpha. God didn't just bring me to it and bring me through it He grew me, shaped me, and made me the person I am today. He allowed me to succeed, gave me the strength to get through the long weeks, and provided a job for me. I've gotten 2 real paychecks so far and I have to tell you that while meeting with a financial planner yesterday he just kept reminding us that we are starting off the right way and that we are in the beginning steps. There is a way out. But its going to take diligence. It's going to take sacrifice. It's going to take trust in the Lord for the unseen. And all the while our financial planner said two things to help us "you know prayer works...and fasting does too." Encouragement from an unlikely place. A reminder to return to where God pushed me for the year: thankfulness. Eucharisteo.

And in this year He has stretched me in a way I couldn't imagine. From pushing me to find truth in faith and not just what sounds good, to learning more about a church than I knew and realizing everything I've been told hasn't always been true even if it made me "feel" good. A church that observes the eucharist and don't think I don't notice that work being the very word of thanks. The very thing I wanted in 2013 as I know His word teaches over and over again :

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

Wanna know Gods will: thanks. in all circumstances. Even when the tower is built and you didn't count the cost. Even when you can't see the end in site. Even when you seem crazy to the rest of the world. Even when all you have is tears. thanks. thats Gods will. You don't have to discern it...search for it ... try and figure out the celestial morse code. You don't have to claim a dream or vision to know it. He spelled it out.

Thanks. In all circumstances. Period.

Friends please pray that you and I will be thankful. that you and I will pray and fast in a way that causes thankfulness to pour out of us with no hesitation.

thanks.
in all circumstances.
Even if you owe more than you make.
even if you made a mistake.
even if the things you can't mention.

thanks. in all circumstances.

Wrong Numbers

Hello friends,
It's been a bit of time, but I have been busy with ER and studying and life really.

God is still teaching me about thankfulness this year... and specifically humility lately.

I had a funny story so I thought I would do a quick post.

So as a PA student soon to be PA I have been applying for jobs. To be honest I've only applied to ones I've really wanted and there really has only been one job thus far I really wanted. Sure I've talked to a few people who have mentioned some options to me, but I've been praying for direction and clarity. So I e-mailed a gentleman about this job a while back, and I don't really hear much, but I figured well I'll follow up because it sounds like something special.  When I do a conversation is started. Phone calls, text messages, e-mails are exchanged with questions being asked of me to figure out how much I want to make, what my experience is, what languages I speak and such. All of these questions culminated in what I hoped for : We would like to interview you on Saturday.

A second gentleman for this office contacts me by e-mail this morning stating he was given my resume and has been trying to call me but it's not going through.

my first thought was: Is something wrong with my phone? did my resume not e-mail correctly? The idea that something on my resume could be wrong after how many times I had read it and edited it was not a first thought in my pride.

but what was really the problem: my number was incorrect on my resume.

After going back through I still can't figure out what happened because when you open it on my computer the number is correct, but when you "quick view it" (sorry windows friends this is a mac feature) it's wrong. An extra 1. A mistake. And as to how this happened I have no idea but honestly it's neither here nor there. The truth is mistakes happen, no matter how many times you proofread your resume or how many other people you have look it over.

And this extra number, this mistake, well it's kind of like life. Mistakes happen no matter how much you try and prevent them but I believe in a God who makes messages out of messes and who loves me no matter how many mistakes I make.

I should tell you I was completely embarrassed at this incident. (not quite as embarrassed as in the fourth grade when my pants fell down in front of my class, but perhaps a close second.) There was no way to explain it, and all I could do was take responsibility for it that no matter what happened I failed to get an accurate number transmitted.

Thankfully God is gracious, I was e-mailed of this problem and asked to call or send the correct number. Grace. 

It would have been easy for the mistake to have ended communication, but it didn't. And while I will probably apologize a couple more times for this with a genuine sorrow for the confusion, I'm thankful. I thankful that the God of the universe is so patient and caring and kind that even when I mess up, He loves me just the same.

I called, apologized, and talked with the gentleman. He made a joke about it, but was extremely nice. Extremely kind. He showed me grace and even if He doesn't hire me I'll always appreciate that.

Grace. 

Yesterday was a demonstration of that when after almost 2 years my first dermatologist biopsy results came back benign. A miracle as I had been told "surgery was coming" and yet we prayed. My husband prayed. My friends prayed, I prayed, and God answered.

So to the wrong number: you better believe I'll self e-mail my resume to double check probably for the rest of my life, but will I ever be perfect: no. I'm human. But I have the creator of the universe directing my steps, and showing me mercy. I did of course read the whole resume very slowly one more time before sending an apology and a corrected copy.

Hopefully the job works out despite the mishap, as the more I pray about it the more I feel like this could be it. It's where we want to be, doing what I want to do, giving me an opportunity to educate patients, and allowing me the ability to learn from a large practice of doctors and other PAs. If I learned anything in ER is that no matter who your patient is there is a need to meet them right where they are and love them in their brokenness.

Isaiah 41:10 -Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Ill accept His plea to fear not. I'll accept humbly the responsibility for my mistakes and I'll be thankful and count it as joy the lessons He is patiently teaching me. I'll remember that no one ever actually died from embarrassment and that if God has a plan sometimes it's not just a plan to get me to a destination sometimes it's a plan to teach me a lesson or two as well.