I Will Give Thanks To You For You Have Answered Me

In May 2015 Paul and I began to try to concieve. It wasn't our plan to start then, but after a trip to the shrine of Our Lady of La Leche, we went in to pray for mommas and babies we knew. We both came out of the chapel nervous to tell the other that maybe we should try to conceive. Walking in that day we can felt the time for trying to have a baby was not now, and walked out feeling the opposite. The relief to us both when we realized God had put this desire on both of our hearts.  We wanted to do our best to protect any life God would give us so we met with a naprotechnology doctor and had my charts reviewed to ensure there was nothing in them to indicate that a baby would be in danger. We were told to go for it and we did.

May...June....July....August

As the months started to pass I began to become more worried but was told wait, and trust.

So we prayed and asked. We trusted. We did several novenas asking for the intercession of the saints and our blessed Mother.

September....October....November

Each month that passed an ending and yet a new beginning to a new cycle. It began to wear on my heart. I continued to pray and trust. Continued to ask. My napro doctor continued to make suggestions and I continued to follow and hope. I found God teaching me about the persistent widow. Encouraging me to keep knocking at the door.

Then we started to notice a change in my cycles with no explanation that said things weren't improving but were worsening. The regular OBGYN tried to tell me birth control would help to "regulate my cycles" but medically that is untrue and of course wouldn't help us conceive.

December

Several rounds of blood work and we found I had very low progesterone. I had to cut out a lot of things from my diet to try and keep my adrenal glands less stressed. This included giving up sugar, coffee and several others things during the season of advent. It was no coincidence that God had the timing of this during such a penitential season. We prayed and hoped and I noticed a lot of improvements in how I felt and symptoms I was having were disappearing. Diet alone wouldn't be enough so we went on medication and were told after 3 months we would reassess.

January

February

...

Negative
...

March was a month like no other. I had more peace and hope that month, and yet my body seemed to be doing things that were strange. New symptoms, new issues and I felt like I realized that this journey we were on could be very long. It could even lead to no children. Another penitential season of the church that coincided with struggle in my life: Lent.

At the end of the month when the pregnancy test was negative I was feeling resigned. I asked my  napro doctor where we should go next but the answers were vague as there was a lot unknown.  scripts were written for all sorts of tests that would start evaluating both of us more closely.  This wasn't going to be any sort of easy physically for sure, but mentally and emotionally I really started realize we were dealing with one of my worst fears  : infertility.  I knew this sooner than I would have admitted but it took me a while to accept it.While in the midst of the challenges physically I felt God really near. I was seeking Him in bigger ways than I had and He was drawing near to me as I drew near to Him. I felt myself ready to stop checking and hoping but instead to just pray. Pray the rosary daily. Go to mass daily. While my daily schedule does not normally accommodate daily mass God seemed to work out miraculous timing for me to make it each and every day of Lent. I know He knew I needed this to keep me together. So we prayed for God to be clear of what His will would be and planned to purse the testing. I begged and asked and we journeyed to ask Our Lady of La Leche once again to pray.  

We planned to go to a mass at the Cathedral that morning, when I learned from research that they were doing mass in tiny chapel at Our Lady of La Leche. So we changed plans and thought what a beautiful place it would be to celebrate mass: a bright spot in Lent. We went but after 15 minutes with no priest appearing we were told mass was canceled due to it being Holy Week and the Chrism mass that was occurring that day. The toughness of Lent seemed to continue and I added this to the list. I felt sad but trusted that God had a reason and we found there would be a mass later that day. I was going to get to go to the daily mass I had come to desperately need.

We ended up having a pretty great day together walking around the city and seeing friends. We were settled into a favorite dessert and coffee spot and I had just ordered and been given a latte when it hit me. Mass is in 20 minutes. We must go but my coffee was just delivered...warm and wonderful. Hello temptation.  Note: I spent a lot of time without coffee and this was one of the first ones after many months. My husband asked if I wanted to go and I was honest "no but that's when we should go the most" He agreed and we packed up got in the car and went. We went in and sat down on the left side rather than on the right like we normally do.

The mass began and the priest had a joy about him. I felt joy in my heart that was truly flowing and I stared up at the statue of Our Lady of La Leche praying and asking for her intercession. Offering the mass for our intention of a baby as I had done every day of lent but this day was different. I didn't offer it with sorrow or worry I offered it with joy.  I was thankful for Jesus in the Eucharist. As the readings were read I felt like this was a beautiful mass. We said the responsorial psalm " Lord in your great love answer me" and I remember thinking about how I would love an answer for a child. Lord please. In your great love answer our prayers. We stood for the gospel and the priest read about Judas trading the savior for 30 pieces of silver. It hit me as he read how much we ask or trade for. I asked Him to forgive me if my heart if that was in me and to cleanse me from any desire that wasn't from Him. The homily was shared. He encouraged us to be faithful in our walk, reminded us to be in community and was very joyful. Then my favorite part: communion. As the priest read the discourse I looked up again at our Lady. I could see the light hitting her left cheek in a way that almost look like a reflection from a tear that had rolled down. I can't say the statue was crying but its how I imagine that would look. I thought if there was a time for our blessed mother to have tears it probably would be now as we remade present the sacrifice of Christ. The picture of her holding her son in such a tender position breastfeeding him, looking down as His broken flesh and blood was made present on the altar gave a glimpse into her heart. The suffering that truly giving your life and your will to God  can be. I asked God to grow my heart like Mary's. The host was bigger than at my home parish and the blood had a deep sweetness to it that I honestly could have consumed all of it. It was as though what I had come accustomed to each day of Lent was made new that day.  I walked back to my pew knelt and found myself just saying thank you. No petition as I usually did...just thank you. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for His sacrifice and to Mary for her fiat.

We finished mass. We genuflected and walked out and the priest was at the door. I heard the man in front of me tell father "God bless you" to which he replied "may he bless you more. and more"

We shook his hand and I said thank you. and he stopped us. He said he could tell we were a very special couple. He asked if we were local and how long we had been married. He then asked if we had children. I told him we were waiting on God and Paul mentioned we were praying. I was used to this and I smiled as I answered.

He continued to talk to us about this and said that if we don't ask we don't receive and at times we must ask deeply and demand.  I felt my eyes start to sting.... I had asked. I demanded Gods will be done but prayed and prayed His will was children. I asked every saint I knew of who could intercede for us. It wasn't a lack of asking but I figured maybe I needed to keep asking. Maybe this was my encouragement to keep knocking at the door.

He then put his hand up to pray for us and bless us. My heart was overwhelmed with emotion. His kindness, my fears and the true hurt that comes from infertility. He prayed for myself, my husband and our marriage. He then stopped and told us we needed to prepare because "God is going to bless you with children." I felt my heart thankful that someday it would happen. I believed what he was saying.  He then told us that a couple had just emailed him that after 8 years of trying they were pregnant. He said they were the  3rd couple he had encountered who had conceived and that he believed we would be the fourth. He told us again we would have children and made it clear that he was sure of it. He said "sometimes I joke a lot but I'm not joking right now." He told us we had to bring the baby to come play in the church. We agreed but something in my heart wondered how long it would be before we could that. We said goodbye and I couldn't believe that A- We almost missed mass B- that I had ever worried about just having my coffee instead and C- that this was the third mass we attempted to attend that day and it was clear this was where God wanted us. God even met me with my coffee still warm in the car after mass just another way He was showing me He was in control. What we didn't know is that favorite coffee shop was closed down while we were in mass, and we can never go back.

So we had faith and we trusted. The encouragement was exactly what I needed. My prayer: Lord in your great love answer me He met me where I was through his servant.

I trusted that God would provide a baby for us in His timing. 

10 days later I went to mass and the responsorial psalm was " I will give thanks to you for you have answered me." I thought to myself "well that's interesting" but didn't really think long on it.

A few weeks passed and the month was much different than previous. I was still having strange symptoms but I just decided to not worry about them. As the month end came I didn't even plan to take a pregnancy test. There is only so many times you need to see a negative test. However, after a few strange things happened including me feeling overly emotional I figured well I might as well make sure. Then I saw it. Two lines. So excited and yet so scared knowing this baby was going to need a miracle and the help of napro to make it. It took progesterone injections and serial blood work for weeks until we could be sure that this baby made it through the first trimester. Now in the 3rd trimester and we are both doing great.

I felt I could finally understand those lines in scripture "Mary pondered all these things in her heart." Turns out we conceived 9 days from the time the priest told us we would have a child. That 10th day I was pregnant but didn't know it yet the Holy Spirit was already telling me to give thanks for the Mighty One had done great things for me. Our good news came during the Easter season, and our Lent truly was over. Now we wait for the next joyful season: Christmas. We find it no coincidence we are due December 25th 2016.

Our Lady of La Leche and Baby Ariana

On October 11th 2014 I traveled to St. Augustine with my husband and one of my best friends, Suzanne. I had a heavy heart as we drove up as baby Ariana, a sweet infant in the NICU of South Carolina was in critical condition. God had blessed her with life on 9/17/14 and she was given to Brianne and Daniel to love and care for her for a short time. We at the time had no idea what God would plan from there but we knew that He had a plan. She has been beautiful from her first day and while all I've seen are pictures and updates I loved her as if I knew her personally. Knowing it was the feast of Our Lady of La Leche we had to go to the shrine just a few hours away and pray for Ariana. We had to pray for Brianne and Daniel. We had been storming heaven with prayers and asking all the angels and saints to join in with us and each day we celebrated to know she was alive. As doctors tried to give up Brianne and Daniel didn't, they fought for care, food and water for her, they asked for some positive news and asked for love and compassion. They were ready to take her no matter what whether healthy and happy or in a wheelchair, on a feeding tube, on a respirator, they loved without limits. They knew she was perfect no matter what happened. They knew she was created by a loving God and they cherished being entrusted with her care for as long as God allowed it. For Paul and I, other than giving and praying that's all we could do and on this day we were both teared up offering to God all of our intercession. Praying for comfort, praying for peace, praying His will to be done. 

As we got there and I got on my knees in the warm little chapel the stories hit me:

My friend who loves babies so much whether human or furr babies and she and her husband are struggling with the weight of infertility. I know God's promises. His timing.

The coworker who is so sweet and she and her husband have the cross to bear of infertility as well. 

It came flooding back sitting in that restaurant with a friend telling me she lost a baby through miscarriage. 

The text messages from another that their princess went to be with Jesus due to early delivery.

The pictures of all the babies lost to abortion and the fight of Osceola County to STOP Planned Parenthood from claiming the lives of the innocent children. I prayed for the community as they not only stop abortion but that they would say YES to adoption, fostering, respite care, and love for the children that are unwanted or the families or are unequipped. 

The e-mails I have received of women who have read my blog and are stopping birth control and trusting God with their fertility. 

The close friends I have who have had struggles during their pregnancies and our prayers for health babies and health deliveries. 

The mommies who come in who hurt as they break their bodies to provide nutrition for their children through breast feeding. I prayed for strength for them and that they wouldn't give up. 

My own struggles of wanting a baby but trusting God to lead us to a place where we could even consider that. We are faithful to not use contraceptive but through just reason have been avoiding pregnancy and yet my heart so much wants to grow with love for a baby of our own. Praying that God would prepare my heart as I have no idea what He has planned for our family but we will take it. We will love the babies He gives no matter the cost and no matter how He gives them. We are openly a family that says - if you don't want your child please drop it off at our house. Your going to have an abortion? Give it to us instead. We don't know when God will use our openness but someday He might and we will welcome with open arms all the beautiful babies God will bless us with because each is just that: a blessing. 

At 25 years old, with only a four legged furr baby that sounds like a crazy thing to accept- as many babies as God will give us, but God has brought us there, both Paul and I and I know that it is by his design we have that heart and not of our own will.

In a society where babies are treated as an inconvenience and birth control treated as a right up there with the importance of air and water I sat in awe. In awe of how backwards we have become to name fertility as a disease with a treatment. To hear my patients say "my husband got fixed" as if he were "broken" before shocks me. Friends, these stories and more I contemplated on a tiny bench, next to my husband as I saw tears stream down his face in prayer. I knew without him even speaking he was praying for the same things I was and our afterward conversation confirmed it. It's amazing to have your husband be on the same page as you are, down to having the same prayer intentions without even rehearsing them. 

As I sat in mass and the Bishop Esteveze shared on the importance of Our Lady of La Leche. He explained that she is the first depiction of Mary that was celebrated in the United States. She features a breast feeding Jesus and provides intercession for healthy deliveries and babies. She provides hope for couples struggling with infertility and God answers prayers for visitors to this shrine every year who bring back their babies in thanksgiving. He shared how many couples struggle to get pregnant and how precious babies are. He charged the faithful to hear: babies are a gift, each and every one. 

As I sat there I continued to pray. The mass was beautiful with so many faithful there to celebrate the feast and so many children could be heard throughout the mass. It was beautiful among the words of the gospel to hear the babies giggle and cry. Their very presence blessed my heart as I prayed and listened. 

"While he was speaking a woman from the crowd called out and said to him, "Blessed is the womb that carried you and the breasts at which you nursed." He replied "Rather, blessed are those who hear the word of God and observe it" -Luke 11:27-28. 

Here we see Jesus not rebuke the mother of Jesus but emphasize her attentiveness to God's word and the need for our attentiveness. Jesus loved His mother and she was the first disciple so willing to follow where God called. She is to be blessed for her faithfulness. As catholics we recognize her call to "Do whatever He tells you." We don't worship her, but we don't ignore her. We are thankful for her example as we are thankful for the example of all the saints. 

I got out of mass and met Haley from Carrots for Michaelmas. She was a sweetheart and I encourage you to go check out her blog here: http://www.carrotsformichaelmas.com

Another faithful catholic family and it was so great to meet them. It was her blog I've used to encourage mommies that babies are welcome in our mass. Please read this post: How My Kid's Didn't Ruin Mass

As we walked the streets of St. Augustine I held my husband's hand. He wasn't feeling well at all and yet he was so selfless with his time letting Suzanne and I explore and never once complaining. 

Friends please pray for them and all the mommies and babies out there. Pray for healthy babies and healthy deliveries, healthy breast feeding, and healthy families. 

Friends let's love babies. Let's love women. Let's love families. Let's provide for the needs of one another and let's love the least of these, the innocent children. Let's stop hiding the struggle of women to conceive and let's stop treating fertility as a disease. Let's love without limits and let's trust God with our lives, our bodies and babies. 

For Ariana I will remember and celebrate the Feast of Our Lady of La Leche each year, to remember that no matter if you can't even speak or walk or eat you can be used as an instrument of God. 

"Naked I came forth from my mother's womb, and naked I shall go back there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord!" - Job 1:21

Please be praying for Ariana just as we are. I know as much as He has challenged Brianne and Daniel He has given them so much. Faith, family, friends, love, Ethan, and He has so much more to give to them. So much grace for them. I see an amazing love for Him in them and I am so blessed to know them.  For now all I can do is ask you to pray for all involved. 

I pray that Our Lady of La Leche will intercede for Brianne and that in Gods timing that He will provide for them the desires of her and her husbands heart. 

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