Anyone Who Fails To Go Forward Begins To Go Back

I've found myself immersed in books. From St. Teresa of Avila to C.S. Lewis. From Fulton Sheen to G.K. Chesterton. The beauty in each of the books I've read recently has been incredible and the truth astounds me. In each there is a calling to purse God stronger, to know Him more, to be closer to Jesus and be more like Him.

As I finished Interior Castles by St. Teresa of Avila yesterday I was struck by something she wrote.

"I repeat that if you have this view you must not build upon foundations of prayer and contemplation alone, for, unless you strive after virtues and practice them, you will never grow to be more than dwarfs. God grant that nothing worse than this may happen- for as you know, anyone who fails to go forward begins to go back, and love, I believe , can never be content to stay for long where it is." p234.

While she wrote these words, this sentiment is one of I've seen come to a head in both Catholic and Protestant Circles. The need for more. The need for pursuit. The idea that we can not be stagnant.  I've read books on both sides of the theological realm which call for this same idea. Just to name a few as this is by no means an exhaustive list:

Radical by David Platt 

The Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler 

Not A Fan by Kyle Idelman

Crazy Love by Francis Chan 

In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day by Mark Batterson 

Anything by Jennie Allen

Desiring God by John Piper

Chasing Francis by Ian Cron 

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

Introduction To The Devout Life by St. Francis De Sales

Interior Castles by St. Teresa of Avila 

Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterton 

He Leadeth Me by Walter Ciszek 

The Joy of the Gospel by Pope Francis

They all disagree on dogmas and doctrine but all scream to run with everything you have after God. They push you to not just know Him but to serve Him. The above authors are in all sorts of churches from Calvinist to Catholic and everything in between and yet they all agree that there is more than just one prayer to be said or a box to be checked. They push and plead with the reader to move the heart and the feet in the direction of forward because again "anyone who fails to go forward begins to go back." 

How much would we believe it if a doctor shared the need to move forward as a statement about his practice of medicine. If he failed to continue to go forward in studying and research, he might fall behind the standard of care as it is always evolving. One might also suggest that he may forget some of the knowledge he does not use quite as often. Thus for all medical professionals CMEs (Continued Medical Education) is required. You are not meant to keep the knowledge you graduate with and not continue to grow and review. If you fail to complete the CMEs required they will not renew your license. So while a job in the medical field would require the same: the need to build upon foundations and practice to move forward, failure to do so would in fact move back. 

Our faith is much more vast than the field of medicine, much more intricate that the study of the human body requires the same. How can it be bigger? Because faith encompasses all that there is in the natural and supernatural world. So while science and medicine are classifications of the natural world, we believe many things that fall outside of that realm in the supernatural world. With over 2000 years of history, over 30,000 denominations of just the Christian Faith and many other religions and cultures to learn about the amount of information is great. Yet, the Christian Faith can be understood in as simple of a manor as the Creed and yet we are called to continue to learn and grow. While no one is required CMEs for the faith, God calls us to run after Him more today than yesterday. More each day. 

The sentiment in our modern world though is not to think, not to ask and not to grow on a specific path. As Chesterton wrote "They say that choice is itself the divine thing."  The idea we can choose anything and everything and sentiments that there is not really truth, just relativism has made a world of those afraid to think, afraid to purse, afraid to take a stand. Chesterton explains that this comes from a new definition of humility. "The old humility was a spur that prevented a man from stopping; not a nail in his boot that prevented him from going on. For the old humility made a man doubtful about his efforts, which might make him work harder. But the new humility makes a man doubtful about his aims, which will make him stop working all together."  I saw this "new humility" as my husband and I searched for answers and for truth. We were told not to "think so much." "Don't take it so seriously." If the faith impacts all that we are and all that we do shouldn't we think about it? Shouldn't we ask questions and run forward? 

Friends don't buy the new humility of the world. Ask questions. Look for answers. Pray, practice and grow. Don't keep drinking the same milk friends. Try meat. 

<3

Anita 

How Do You Make God The Center Of Your Business?

I was supposed to speak at a training this past week on how to keep God the center of your business. Now life happened: patients needed help and care and I was stuck. Don't get me wrong it wasn't stuck like stuck in mud, I'm privileged to care for patients but honestly I wanted to be able to keep my commitment and it didn't happen. My best efforts fell short and it was out of my control but I know God had a reason for not wanting me there.

Anyways I did a lot of thinking in preparation. Thinking, praying and of course talking about it with my husband. The more I thought and the more we discussed I found that "How do you keep God the center of your business?" was the wrong question. You see in phrasing it that way we are saying the business is the focus and how do we fit God in and around it. Ultimately no matter what we do we should first ask: How do I keep God the center of my life?

John 15:1-8

Jesus said to his disciples:
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower.
He takes away every branch in me that does not bear fruit,
and every one that does he prunes so that it bears more fruit.
You are already pruned because of the word that I spoke to you.
Remain in me, as I remain in you.
Just as a branch cannot bear fruit on its own
unless it remains on the vine,
so neither can you unless you remain in me.
I am the vine, you are the branches.
Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit,
because without me you can do nothing.
Anyone who does not remain in me
will be thrown out like a branch and wither;
people will gather them and throw them into a fire
and they will be burned.
If you remain in me and my words remain in you,
ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you.
By this is my Father glorified,
that you bear much fruit and become my disciples.”

You see without being connected to God we can't hope to accomplish and succeed what we would hope to. Not that if you connect to God your business will fore sure succeed as sometimes He is going to call you to other things. I will say though if you commit all your plans to the Lord He will guide you to what you should be doing and the timing you should be doing it in. 

Friends: are you asking the right questions? Are you asking how God can be the center of your work or school or life? Or are you letting God be the source and foundation of all you are and all you do? It's not easy friends. Pray and ask Him to show you how to make Him your guidepost. For without Him we can do nothing. Even good things done that aren't done for the glory of God are sinful. Let's honor and adore Him and when we don't know how let's ask Him to grow up and show us how. 

<3 

I WILL FOLLOW

Friends,
Chris Tomlin did a song: "I Will Follow"

"Where you go I'll go. Where you stay I'll stay. When you move I'll move. I will follow you"
These words I've sung countless times and it hit me today in the midst of a hectic day: Do I mean them? Do you?

I can think back over my life and think of lots of things I didn't plan on, didn't want and yet God worked on me, my heart and through various circumstances brought me to where I am.

I didn't want to finish my senior year of high school- I wanted to start college a year early. Had I not done that I wouldn't have earned a $20,000 scholarship and been named a Horatio Alger National Scholar. I wouldn't have gone to Washington on a trip that changed my life and I wouldn't have met some of the great people I met my freshmen year at FAU Honors.

I wanted to be a Physician Assistant starting my senior year of high school and yet during my senior year of college I took a detour to possibly get my PhD at FAU. A spur of the moment trip to Montreal showed me that isn't where God wanted me and I came back unsure of what was going to happen. A phone call changed everything and Orlando FL would become my home for 27 months. It isn't where I wanted to be but had I not gone there I wouldn't have met my husband.

The night I met Paul was at a concert I didn't want to go to. In fact the pew I sat in was because I didn't want to sit in a few other ones. If I hadn't gone I wouldn't be sitting next to my hubby as I write this.

At one point during our getting to know each other I tried to pray Paul out of my life. I was certain he would be a distraction from God and from school and so I tried to pray him away. The next day at church the message was "Don't Pray People Out of Your Life." Needless to say... He's my husband.

I didn't want to move but here I am in a different job than I moved for and I enjoy it even on the crazy days.  The timing for the changes was not my timing and honestly it has been amazing.

Of course the biggest things becoming Catholic was the last thing I wanted to be but when God called me to the church despite my biggest attempts I couldn't deny where He was leading me. It was honestly the last thing I wanted but now that I have come home to the Catholic church I know this was His plan and not mine. God really has helped me grow so much through my journey.

I don't know what else God has planned but I can tell you if you see anything in this litany is that I clearly and not the best judge of where I should be on the first go but where He leads I will follow.  Even when He leads me to the hard places, even on the long days.

Friends will you follow Him? Where He goes? Where He stays? When He moves?
I will follow. Will you?
Let's follow Him together <3

What is Natural Family Planning? FAQ and Answers

How did I end up doing NFP?

As a Physician Assistant student I learned that birth control "stops implantation." This BLEW my mind. As a newly married woman who was in the middle of the 27 months of educational experience they call PA school I honestly felt I could NOT get pregnant. I barely had time to eat, or sleep and with my clinical year starting 7 days after I got married I didn't think I could safely carry a child at the time. Moreover there was no way we could afford it. So a few months before we got married I went on birth control. I wasn't told anything just prescribed and given a years worth of refills. Sitting in the marathon of slides that is PA school's didactic year one stuck out during an OBGYN lecture. It was about birth control, listed the side effects including cancers, blood clots, weight gain, mood swings, etc. As I copied notes to help myself absorb the information and help me pay attention I found myself writing "Stops implantation." That night as I studied it hit me.... stops implantation...implantation of... a BABY...OH MY GOODNESS! It was if like a ton of bricks the reality hit me and honestly I thought I had jumped to conclusions and that I didn't have complete information so I spent HOURS that night ripping through the internet trying to find...is this true and was the "well it's only some birth controls" that I had heard passed around really true? I searched to find just ONE birth control that did not have abortifacient properties and I couldn't find one. All the package insert information that I could read online on the pharmaceutical companies websites listed in various words that it can affect a baby that is conceived from implanting. How? By starving and suffocating it though lessening blood supply that carries oxygen and sugar (food), by making it get to the uterus too early to implant and by thinning the lining so it physically can't implant.

Stunned I told my husband "we can't use this stuff" and I got no fight because God has been challenging his heart that maybe it wasn't best for no uncertain reason.

So newly married... no birth control.... growing up in a society that teaches unprotected sex leads to babies I knew we couldn't just "do nothing" or "wing it." So I researched. I studied. and through the rest of my most frequently asked questions on the topic I'm going to share what I learned.

Isn't NFP just doing nothing? isn't it the rhythm method?
NFP is NOT doing nothing - it's actually a process to learn.  It's not .... checking the calendar... (which essentially assumes every woman has a 28 day cycle and that we all ovulate on day 14 and simply abstains on that day) but is more fondly called Fertility Awareness Methods and provides through a various number of methods standard ways to monitor fertility. Some methods monitor cervical mucus, temperature, cervix position, use fertility monitors... and some use combinations of this.

What method do I use?
When I started I used Billings. It was easier to learn than some of the others and I failed to be able to take my temperature at the same time daily due to my changing rotations. I was not checking my cervix as I personally was not interested in that. Billings monitors cervical mucus only and through some guidelines helps you determine your fertile window. When trying to achieve pregnancy... go for the window and when your trying to avoid... keep the window closed. It's fairly simple in concept, takes some effort to learn and ultimately grows you in patience.

Now we are using Creighton which is a bit more specific than Billings but both are similar in that they monitor cervical mucus.

What about condoms? 
While from a medical standpoint condoms don't hurt you per say they don't help you unless your having multiple partners and at risk for STDs, they may help but not fully prevent infection. Even if you don't have a latex allergy, can handle the experience of a condom and have a husband who will use them...some things you may not know is it is healthier to not use one. (Note: I'm talking to people in committed monogamous relationships.) The female cervix actually absorbs sperm and this can be a natural antidepressant, and can help the female body learn to recognize the male DNA as "self" and some studies indicate this may lesson miscarriage. While there are tons of causes of miscarriage lessening the chance is always a good idea.

Ultimately though for us it boiled down to what was biblical and was not biblical. Genesis 38 starting in verse 8 tells the story of Onan. It says Onan spilled his semen on the ground. He interrupts sexual intercourse to prevent procreation. For Onan he was selfish. By Levirate law he marries his brothers widow and since he died without children (Deut. 25:5) by law the first born male would be considered the son of the deceased man. Onan by spilling his seed on the ground gets the dead man's property and his wife but if he has no children with her the property remains his. God didn't take that lightly and he struck Onan dead/ slew him also.  Now some will say that that Onan was struck dead not for "spilling his seed" but because he broke the law. However in Deuteronomy 25: 5-10 explains levirate law:  death wasn't the penalty for not taking your brothers wife and not having children. Simply: you handed over the sandal... meaning you lost the brothers property and there was great humiliation (someone might spit in your face).  So if it wasn't because Onan broke the law and refused to give children to his brothers name, than the only other thing he did was interrupt the marital act. Anything that interrupts the act then is not honoring to God. No pulling out, no condoms or other barrier methods. Marital intimacy is fully between a husband and wife. To be one flesh you can't have a piece of plastic between you. Just saying.

Keep in mind a compromise to birth control and NFP is NOT barrier methods. This isn't a meet in the middle spot. Note I'm not advocating for sex among the masses to be without condoms. Even Pope Benedict explained greater good on this issue. The lesser evil would be to prevent disease for those who are in HIV rampant areas or in Pope Benedict's example a male with HIV using a condom. In this case your protecting life first but ultimately using a condom is still sinful. In a monogamous marriage with no HIV or communicable disease there is no grave moral reason to use a condom.

Doesn't using NFP/not using any birth control mean you will end up with 19 kids?
No. God alone gives life. Ask any mommy who has tried for a baby and they will tell you they aren't "planned". Women who try for babies don't always get them and women who use condoms and birth control together sometimes end up pregnant. The conclusion then would not be to jump to contraception/sterilization with the idea "God will give me a baby if He wants." Yes God can give you a child despite your tubal ligation or birth control but to trust God fully means to trust Him with your fertility. That means being open to whatever He brings. Using NFP is a natural way to avoid pregnancy and while it is as or more effective than most birth controls when practiced properly we aren't doing anything to alter the marital act before, during or after. We leave marital intimacy whole every time. For us we have been using NFP for over 2 years and we have no children. We have avoided pregnancy with the understanding that if God gave us a baby we would be overjoyed.

If you have done NFP for over 2 years and have no children are you infertile?

Nope! My charts show that I have a fertile pattern.

If you use NFP to avoid does that mean you never have sex?
No!!! It just means during the fertile window when trying to avoid we abstain.

What if you don't have normal periods ? 
There is no "normal." There are general parameters but ultimately we all vary as we are all unique even down to our cycles. (And yes a cycle is not just a period. Every day for a woman is part of her fertility cycle).

Does NFP put everything on the woman?
No. NFP requires both spouses to be involved, and open to life. For us we weren't on the same page at first and it took a while to figure it out but ultimately we have grown closer and learned more about my health than we ever would have known on BC.

Why doesn't my OBGYN/ Family practice doctor know about this?
As a health care provider myself I tell you my patients teach me a lot so don't be afraid to share.  Having just educated my OBGYN that NFP is NOT just the rhythm method she was shocked even after medical school, a residency, and a fellowship. You see in allopathic medicine (MDs, PAs) we literally don't learn NFP. We learn birth control and we learn that people try the rhythm method and it doesn't work. No other information is taught in most program and training and unless someone shares or looks into it ...we don't know. The urge many times is to abandon the doctor because for those who do NFP many times it feels as though providers push birth control but a healthy conversation to explain that NFP is scientifically based can at least create an opportunity. That to be said there are wonderful NFP only providers and Naprotechnology doctors all over.

So when you say natural... what if you can't get pregnant?

There are many ways to naturally enhance pregnancy and promoting life is always a good thing. Some medications can help as well as specially trained professionals in Naprotechnology can offer options many OBGYNs don't as they honestly haven't been trained to do so. Invitro Fertilization does allow lives to be formed that do not survive and does separate the procreative process from the marital act. Anything that makes a baby without the natural marital act is well... not natural. For those attempting to be natural and to protect life these are not options. I could go into more of why but that would be a long response and good for another blog post. 

Does NFP take all the fun out of sex?

Nope. It takes away the selfishness of sex in my opinion but not the fun. However, the physical part of sex is only part of it and ultimately it isn't "just fun" it's fun and unitive, body and soul. 

What if you just had a baby and don't have a cycle? or have a medical condition where you don't have a cycle?

I would recommend you do the Creighton method and I know an awesome instructor that teaches over Skype. If you want her info shoot me any e-mail and I'll help you get connected. (note I don't get paid or anything to send you. But having had friends who went through that I know it can be hard and I wanna help you). 

As a PA if you don't believe in birth control do you prescribe it?

No. Personally I'm Catholic and as such prescribing it would be a mortal sin. I do not at this time work in a field though that would require me to prescribe it. 

Do you teach NFP?

I do- sort of. I am NOT a certified instructor in any method and I'll always refer to an expert but what I do is teach what I know, share resources and help encourage. I wish I would have had someone to talk to because honestly at the time I really didn't. 

Alright that's a lot of information for one post and a lot of things that could be covered more specifically that I shared a snapshot on. This isn't meant to be all inclusive but helps to answer the questions that I get most. Do you have more? Feel free to comment or e-mail me at beautifulgoodtrue@gmail.com . Honestly I'm happy to share and realize that some of this you may have never heard of and I'm happy to share/answer questions you may have. I'm not an expert I'm just sharing what I've learned and encourage you to research NFP, the methods and to truly pray and ask God to open your heart to the truth. The holy spirit will guide you as He did me because much of this was hard for me to be open to. I thought honestly no birth control = babies and that I needed "protection." I've learned I don't need to protect myself from my husband. He loves me freely, and fully. No need to protect from that.  I won't say it has always been easy but I will tell you it has been worth it and our marriage is closer now because of NFP. I am thankful for it and would recommend it even if you don't have religious implications for looking into it. 

<3

Anita

Dear Mommies and Future Mommies:

I am so blessed to have so many lovely people around me pregnant. It seems like the phase of life I'm in it's rare that there is a week where no one has announced an engagement or a baby. It's incredible to see the mommies around me, some who are first time moms others who have a few and are growing their family. Some even are moms who are praying for more, overcoming miscarriage, challenged by health issues or struggling with being on the same page as a spouse. Some are trying to work out the finances or dealing with various struggles.  Some are praying for a baby and waiting.

For me I'm not a mother to a human being and I never have been. I've never had the wonder or shock of two lines on pregnancy test, so I've never been met with the excitement or fear that comes with that. I've never lost a baby to miscarriage, I've never had to decide life. I've never tried to conceive a child so I haven't been met with the anticipation and the feeling of a negative tests that I was hoping would be positive.   So essentially I have no form of expertise on the subject of motherhood unless you need tips on mothering a dog, in which case I've got plenty.   The roller coaster of our life hasn't brought us to a season of these things just yet but has brought us to a season of NFP and baby stickers and figuring out Billings vs. Creighton model and maybe I'll do a post one day about how that all works but for now just know that we don't know but He does.

But Mommies, know that my heart is with you. As I dream and hope that one day God will open the door and timing to motherhood for me,  I know we can all relate to one thing: the unknown. No matter what road your walking whether its TTC, TTA, TTW, or currently pregnant - none of us know what tomorrow with hold. We literally have no control over conception, our ability to carry a pregnancy or not or our ability to safely birth a baby into the world. It's the lack of control that for so many is so challenging and I'll even admit at times the details for us on when to think about trying for a baby or what we hope for that child have kept me up at night. Prayerful discernment is where I am at this moment. Praying for God to prepare me for whatever His plan is and prayer for our marriage that we can grow in holiness through whatever His will is.

It's all been advised but many women in my life:

"your doing the right thing finishing school and getting an education first."
"there's never a perfect time just go for it."
"enjoy your marriage wait for babies."
"if you plan for it will never happen."

But I know the One who has the plan.
I know the one who knits together life.
I know the Great I am. I know the King. I know the Maker and Giver.

So while I have NO IDEA what He has planned... I know what He's put on my heart which is the hundreds and thousands of other mommies that I can pray for in this season of life.  I can pray for the sweet women who welcomed baby number 8 on the day she lost her husband. I can pray for those I know that have been waiting for years for God to give them a baby. I can pray for those who wait for the arrival of their baby and pray for safe delivery. I can pray for those who are mommies to children who may be both healthy and unhealthy and for the challenges and gifts each child can bring.

 I can pray for the children I hope to have: their lives and that God would start growing their faith even now before they have even been conceived. I pray that He will grow me in the ways He needs to so that I could be a mother that parents with holiness. Holy families raise holy children.  I know motherhood will be the most important thing outside of being a wife that I ever do and I'm excited to see what that looks like someday.

You see friends the unknown isn't easy, in some ways I think it's harder than what's known. For my life though, it's the seasons of unknown that have helped me grow to rely on Him for He's never forsaken me.

Mommies. Count it all joy. The path of motherhood is one of the biggest paths of unknowns and one
of the paths of greatest reward. Steward your gift of motherhood to the best of your ability. The days might be hard in many ways but joy comes in the morning. No matter the challenge or the day, no matter the good news or the hard news He can do more than we ask or imagine. Nothing is impossible and nothing is out of His care so bring it all to Him. All the hurt, all the impatience, all the joy and laughter, all the pain and fear. Drop it at the alter. Drop it at the foot of the cross. Drop it at the feet of Jesus.

Even if you end up looking like Hannah who cried so hard the priest thought she was drunk thats ok. Drop it.

1 Samuel 1:10-19

In her bitterness she prayed to the LORD, weeping freely,11and made this vow: “O LORD of hosts, if you look with pity on the hardship of your servant, if you remember me and do not forget me, if you give your handmaid a male child, I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life. No razor shall ever touch his head.”12 As she continued praying before the LORD, Eli watched her mouth,13for Hannah was praying silently; though her lips were moving, her voice could not be heard. Eli, thinking she was drunk,14said to her, “How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Sober up from your wine!”15“No, my lord!” Hannah answered. “I am an unhappy woman. I have had neither wine nor liquor; I was only pouring out my heart to the LORD.16 Do not think your servant a worthless woman; my prayer has been prompted by my deep sorrow and misery.”17Eli said, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have requested.”18She replied, “Let your servant find favor in your eyes,” and left. She went to her quarters, ate and drank with her husband, and no longer appeared downhearted.19 Early the next morning they worshiped before the LORD, and then returned to their home in Ramah. When they returned Elkanah had intercourse with his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her.

Hannah brought it all. Her bitterness. Her weeping. Her misery. And most of all she wanted a Son to give to the Lord. In verse 18 she "no longer appeared downhearted." She left it all there in the temple knowing He sees and hears. It doesn't say how long Hannah was barren but earlier in the passage it says "year after year"  so we know that her journey wasn't short.  Like Hannah, I hope to leave everything I have at the feet of Jesus trusting that His timing is perfect and His will is best.

For Hannah- God answered her prayer which you can see through 1 Samuel 1 and 2. But what not only stands out to me is that He answered and she praised Him but He gave her more than she asked for. She asked for a son and 1 Samuel 2:21 says "The LORD favored Hannah so that she conceived and gave birth to three more sons and two daughters, while young Samuel grew up in the service of the LORD."  She asked for 1 son and got 4 sons and 2 daughters.  He alone knows what we need and the timing for what we need. He's never early or late. So on the days when the desires of my heart for children seem weighty I'll count it all joy and choose to trust Him.

<3

(note : TTC= Trying to Conceive TTA= Trying to Avoid Pregnancy TTW= trying to whatever)

No matter where you are trust Him. 

Love As If There Is No Tomorrow.

On Thursday at 10:17 am my husband sent me a text. We had been laughing and joking back and forth and it ended as we both were busy with work. I didn't hear anything the rest of the work day which wasn't unusual because we are both busy but I called on my way home with my 35 minute commute and I called...no answer at 5:15 pm or so. My heart began to hurt as I listened the voicemail play back.

My husband doesn't disappear, and rarely does he not answer my call. If he doesn't answer I get a text almost immediately saying something like "hey I'll call in a minute." I pressed the button for the elevator and rode down 3 floors to the bottom. I walked to the parking garage where normally I'm updating my sweet husband on my day. Today, I walked in silence.

I got to the car and pulled out of the garage and tried to call again. Voicemail.

I thought it was strange but figured well maybe he is doing something but he will call me right back. My 35 minute commute was a little longer due to traffic and such. I got on the interstate and as each mile marker passed and my phone didn't right I felt myself get more worried. 10 miles in... I called.

Voicemail.

 Another few miles I dialed again. Voicemail. I found myself starting to worry. What if? What if something happened? And just as the thought hit my head my heart began to pray. A few more attempts and I left a voicemail, sent a text and nothing. The more miles I drove I was realizing that truly something could be wrong. I called his best friend to see if he had talked to him past 10 am. No--- 8 am they talked. I called his work. No answer meaning he wasn't there.

 God allowed me to feel the weight of what it would be like if something happened to my husband and all in a mile or two I felt an immense heart break for the possible. I've never been so worried for Paul, because like I said- He doesn't disappear. I prayed "God please let him be ok and if he isn't give me the strength for whatever the circumstances." With each mile the tears began to fall until I was completely for a moment overwhelmed with fear. I prayed that God would calm my heart until I could get home.

Of course it felt as though my car was moving in slow motion and I tried calling again. Finally getting off the interstate I called my best friend Suzanne to tell her that I didn't know if he was ok and as I'm racing to tell her that I don't even know who else to call..my phone beeps and his name appeared on the screen. A mix of joy and "I can't believe you, don't do that again" hit me but oh man was the joy sweet to hear his voice.

 Turns out...he plugged his phone in the other room. (He agreed not to do that again.)

 It wasn't easy that drive home but sitting now on the couch with my dog and husband I'm reminded at how grateful I am. How I hope to love my husband in such a way that should anything happen my heart will know that I loved him as if today was the last day I had with him. It's not an easy view to keep and I'll be honest I fail at it often. I like routine and the dependability of him always answering the phone and today reminded me that our lives are so short and anything could happen : good or bad. I know that with God I can get through anything but the thought of loosing my husband is so sad just to think of. It breaks my heart for those who have lost their spouse. I can't begin to imagine how painful that is and I pray that God will grant peace and grace to those who are widowed.

 As I drove the last little stretch I wondered what would I have done differently had I truly loved Paul as if yesterday was the last day. I would have given him the cookie dough in the ice-cream instead of letting him give it to me. I thought about how waiting for the perfect timing for a baby sounds ridiculous if you don't know if you get tomorrow. I thought about how I would have let him have the "spot" on the couch with the 2 pillows vs the 1. I would have said I love you a few more times and shared more of the cookie dough chunks when splitting ice-cream. While most of these things seem meaningless they are things that came to mind as I continued to drive praying he was ok.

Since then I've been thinking about it and how easy it is to forget that our lives occur in the blink of an eye and no one is promised tomorrow. It's easy to project and assume that we will all be given happily ever after living to rock next to each other in our old age. That's not the reality for everyone. While I pray that my husband and I will have 73 beautiful years of marriage and die peacefully in our sleep at the same time after having a big family, and serving those around us, I don't know what God's plan is. I do know no matter what it is that I am so blessed to have an amazing husband for as long as God let's us serve Him together.
 <3

 "Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit”—you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow. You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears. Instead you should say, “If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.” But now you are boasting in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil." - James 4:13-16

<3 Anita

A Lenten Reflection

Friends,

Many of you know I converted to Catholicism and was confirmed last May. For the "why" you can read that here: My Conversion Story. This Lent was my first as a Catholic and while I have over the years accepted small forms of Lent, this was the first year I actually viewed the beauty of Lent.

While so many things were different last year as I was anticipating coming into full communion with the church and being able to have the precious Eucharist, this year was even more different. You see I've had almost a year with Jesus physically present: body,blood, soul and divinity and it's changed me.  I find myself more calm, less anxious. More loving, less judging. More serving, less selfish. More humble, less prideful. More aware of my need for Jesus, less focused on needs of the world. More faithful, less lukewarm. While I wish I could tell you I've welcomed the fullness of the grace of God into my life and grown to make much of Him and less of me, what I have done is grown in my knowledge of my own sinfulness and I've grown in my love for God and others.

When I reflect back on how I've grown it hit me that the Church tells you that you will grow in these things when you are catholic. Each sacrament has sanctifying grace, but also specifically defined grace. For reconciliation, it's a knowledge of sin and a growth in an ability to resist it. For the Eucharist, which is a communion with God, it is growth in supernatural charity (love for God and neighbor).  While I can't pinpoint the moments I grew in this, I know I've grown because the way I see people has softened. I see it most with patients that I see. I've grown not to just see them as disease and people but truly, the beautiful creation of God. When they are challenging, I've grown to love them more and I can't explain how because it's really not of me.

You see I didn't realize how sinful I was or how much I didn't love until I came in contact with the grace of God that slowly and surely overwhelmed my heart. It's overwhelming and I feel so heartbroken for how I have viewed people for so long. The words are seared into my heart that used to play in my mind and while I know God has forgiven my hardness of heart and helped me grow, I can't help but be reminded how easy sin feels and how blind to it we can truly be.

1 year with Jesus in the Eucharist has broken my shell, helped me make me more like Christ instead of more like the world.  It's overwhelming as I write these words the power of God in my life and the love He's had for me and continues to show me each day. It doesn't happen overnight but little by little I find myself growing and it's amazing. The most promising thing though is that while I am still so far from truly being like Christ He's not finished with me yet.

Where is God growing you? Where do you need Him to grow you? Let us not rest in our current states and say "that's just how I am" but rather let Him transform us.

I used to rest in the understanding that "no one is perfect" and use that to settle in my imperfection. Now like Paul I hope to run the race well. I hope to run after God with everything I have and even if I miss the mark I hope that I can say that each day I did better than the last. I pray that He would guard my heart for Him, grow me in where He sees my brokenness and chisel away the places that need to be chiseled. This Lent, 40 days of reflection on the WHY Jesus had to save me from my sins grew my knowledge of how He's always been there and has never left me.  He's made me aware....aware of my shortcomings and aware of His grace that fills the gap and pushes me to grow more like Him.

Praying for you friends that God would grow you and make you aware of how He's growing you. Let it inspire your heart to trust Him more and more each day. I can't wait to see how much He continues to grow me in my life as I trust Him to make straight lines out of my crookedness and beauty out of my ashes.
<3

Suffering Is a Call To Conversion

It's amazing the depth of just a sentence. In a world of Facebook, Instagram and Twitter posts we have learned to sum our thoughts and lives into short sentiments that portray our thoughts, actions or feelings. The weight in Pope Francis' tweet though is amazing.

Suffering is a call to conversion.
Our frailty and vulnerability call us to conversion.

Friends it amazed me to think about this as I recently went on a Christ Renews His Parish retreat at my church and now am planning the next retreat. I won't go into detail about it but know that I would recommend it to anyone, it's a great experience. If I learned anything in meeting the ladies from CRHP and my experiences in my own life I see so much truth in the Holy Father's words. As I listen to the stories of those around me and think of my own I find the commonality of those who turn to God in times of challenge, and forget about Him when things are good.  I'll admit that for a period of my life this was my relationship with God. I never meant it to be that way, I would have told you I believed in Him no matter what the season. It's only in retrospect that I can tell you that I only really ran to Him when things were more than I could handle.  I didn't look for guidance unless I felt lost. I didn't look for comfort until I felt scared. I didn't really look to honor Him I just didn't want to anger Him. It was the challenges and trials in my life that helped me to rely on Him and as I relied on Him I learned each time that He never would leave me or forsake me. When I felt far from God it was because I had moved and it was my challenges that helped me walk back. Now God doesn't cause bad things to happen but He allows  things to happen and works through them. It's the trials in my life: the tough days, my mom dying, my grandmother getting alzheimers and passing away, relationships ending, work difficulties, the hard days in PA school, the bad days, the good days, all of them have helped me to move closer and closer to God. I've come to know that my relationship with Him is everything and my closeness to Him makes a huge difference in how I handle the suffering in my life.

I am so thankful for all the lessons He has taught me in the midst of the messiest days of my life. It's my frailty and vulnerability that shows me my consistent need for a savior.  Friends turn to Him in the good days and the tough ones. He alone can fill your needs and give rest to your soul.

Let your frailty and vulnerability remind you of your humanity. Let your humanity remind you that you were created and you need your creator. Let your suffering call your heart to deeper conversion.
<3

It's Only When We Are Vulnerable That We Have True Community

I have been so privileged in the past couple of weeks. So amazed and blessed. I can't put my finger on why...but God has graced me with the privilege of having people share their stories with me. Stories that we mostly would not normally want to share and yet one by one they have come into my life to share. It's been beautiful to hear the challenges, the joys and yet it's also brought so much reality and truth to my heart.

It's been the women who's husbands have left after many years of marriage for someone else and yet their strength to attempt to forgive, to honor God, to move forward. The beauty of their struggle and yet each story I've heard in the last few months with these circumstances seems to amaze me in their strength. I have to be honest I didn't know how common infidelity was, and know that I never think infidelity is beautiful: it's heart breaking. What is beautiful is the strength of some of those I have met to deal with the situation and circumstances with grace. 

It's been those I've meet with challenges with children whether infertility, miscarriage, the loss of a child through abortion or the challenge of choosing adoption. I've been privileged to meet many with unique stories but the commonality that being a parent is hard and facing that struggle with beauty and grace. It's listening to the mom who's child has a new diagnosis or disease, the friend who shares her children are wearing her out with attempts to parent, and the challenge of parenting well despite our own sinfulness and challenges. It's shows a beautiful picture of how great our God is to be our loving heavenly Father and listen and care so patiently for each of us.  The struggles of motherhood that I don't know personally as I don't have babies of my own yet, but struggles I understand within my own experiences as a child.  It gives me so much to pray about, that God would prepare Paul and I for parenthood and His timing. If there is anything I've learned from these beautiful stories is that I must certainly grow in my understanding and dependence of our Lord if I am ever to parent well.  It is only from Christ that I will learn selfless love. While I can learn many other things from many other people it will be at the feet of Jesus that I learn how to care children, and subsequently how to love all of God's children around me. 

It's the stories of loss of a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a child from many circumstances. It's the family member who cries over their loved one's challenges. It's the commonality that when our loves ones hurt we hurt too that teaches me so much about how when we hurt our Savior's heart hurts too. I think back to times in my life of heartbreak and challenge and now see that as I felt the temptation to lend to despair, which is a lie as we are never alone, that God too felt my hurt and counted my tears precious one by one as His word tells me. 

It's pain, disease and death that meets me in so many places whether at work or in my daily interactions. It's the reminder that we aren't meant for this world and yet the struggle of honoring Him no matter how low the valley or high the mountain top of each day.  I used to think it was in the hardest times that God felt farthest away but now in retrospect I can see that is when He has been closest. It's been in the challenges I've run toward Him and in the joys at times I've thought I could handle things on my own. If I've learned anything in my life it's that no matter how wonderful or tough the day I can't do it alone and it's all by the grace of God I'm where I am. 

Friends in all the stories that have been shared with me in my life by friends, neighbors, patients, strangers, each has become a precious gift to me. Whether you know it or not when you share with me you teach me that the very beauty in each of us is our humanity. I admire the struggle it takes to be human that is displayed in such a varied yet similar way. No matter the story or the person involved our desire for peace and happiness is evident in all of us and it's the beauty of the fight for that that overwhelms my soul. 

Don't be afraid to share your story. I'll tell you the truth of your story is more beautiful than the mask you could wear to cover it. It's only when we share that we can let others know they aren't alone. It's only when we are vulnerable that we can have true community. Somewhere along the way I was taught the lie that we should pretend that everything is fine no matter if it's not. That we shouldn't share the reality of our lives or the truth of our story but rather should blend in. This lie is unhealthy and untrue. It's only when we know what someone is going through that we can offer a hand to help, offer a prayer, or know to say "you too? I thought I was the only one." 

thank you friends for your stories. Thank you for letter me pray for you. thank you for showing me more about God even when you didn't know you were doing it. <3 

I pray my story can do the same for you.

Much later, when I understood what perfection was, I realised that to become a saint one must suffer a great deal, always seek what is best, and forget oneself. I understood that there were many kinds of of sanctity and that each soul was free to respond to the approaches of Our Lord and to do little or much for Him — in other words,to make a choice among the sacrifices He demands. Then, just as when I was a child, I cried: “My God, I choose all. I do not want to be a saint by halves. I am not afraid to suffer for You. I fear only one thing — that I should keep my own will. So take it, for I choose all that You will.” – St. Thérèse of Lisieux, The Story of a Soul.

For the Tough Days When God Gave You More Than You Could Handle.

There have been too many times I've heard "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I bet many of you can attest that God has given you more than you can handle, I know He's challenged me. The truth is He does give us too much at times, and while alone it is too much He can give us immeasurable strength to help us in any situation. It's trust in that that keeps us moving on the days when it feels like an uphill battle in the pouring rain through the mud.

and friends... there are days where thats me and let me tell you...
I don't like mud.

It's great to know we aren't alone friends isn't it? You ever felt like that? stuck in the mud?

I've been reading about Anthony of Egypt, who thankfully is recognized by pretty much everyone for his faith.  He wanted to purge himself of everything not of God so he went into the desert and hid in caves and tombs. What we know about him is that demons attacked him physically and spiritually.
St. Athanasius who lived around the same time chronicled his life, in a work that is respected by all christians and we see a beautiful answer from God as Anthony cried out in challenges:

Where were you God?’ Antony asked, ‘Why
didn’t you ease my temptations and pains?’
And a voice came to him: ‘Antony, I was
here, but I waited to see you fight.’”
-St. Athanasius

From the picture below depicted by Michaelangelo St. Antony sure was fighting.

Michaelangel's first painting

The Torment of St. Antony

image link

Friends. There are times where I feel I'm in the desert, in the mud, in the rain, in whatever element we wanna call it, and while at times our God asks me to be still while He fights for me, at other times our  Lord pushes me and wants to see me night like He pushed Antony.

Friends that fight is almost always spiritual and almost always internal for me.  While there have been times I've endured physical issues, the challenge to be faithful and self controlled in a storm is great. It's in the moment's that challenges arise that I must control my heart, my mind and my tongue.

Please know that whether He is fighting for you, or watching you fight He is always there. He will never leave you or forsake you and He has the perfect plan. While I can't always see the plan, and my the directions seem fuzzy, I know taking a step toward God is always leading me to the right path.

So when the days are hard and work challenges you, health challenges you, relationships challenge you, or whatever the challenge is, know that He will give you the strength, and you will overcome. It might not be graceful and you might end up covered in dirt, He is with you.
Friends I'm praying for you. If I can be praying for you specifically let me know.
I'm in a season where He's given me way more than I can handle but I know it's not too much for Him. In this season I feel He's called me to fight so I'm not giving up, no matter how much mud.
<3
Anita

The Last Thing I Ever Wanted To be...

The last thing I ever wanted to be was Catholic. I grew up in a southern baptist church that while doctrinally does not teach catholicism is evil, the members of my church sure felt that way. I can remember being told that catholics worshipped satan and believing that as I had no reason to question it.

About a year and a half ago my husband and I had been going for 9 months to a nondenominational church. We had tried so hard to get plugged into to the community, he was serving with the youth and I was helping teach a woman's group. We went to bible studies but we still felt as though it wasn't a good fit. We didn't want to be people who just went to what "felt good" so we stayed until God was clear that wasn't our home. Newly married we wanted couples to pour into our lives and help us in this new stage of life. I wanted older women to learn from and Paul wanted men he could grow from and with. We didn't find that where we were and so we left around thanksgiving of 2012. We honestly had no plan of where we were going to go but prayed God would lead us.

We started going to another nondenominational church in Lake Nona, FL. This church had what we wanted: a great marriage ministry and lots of woman who loved God and wanted to know the bible. We got plugged in but still found that some things didn't add up. Doctrinally little things bothered us but nothing had been said that was too far out there. Around this time (January 2013) I was beginning my pediatric neurosurgery rotation.

I can recall just before I started I kept meeting people who were telling me that their bible had more books in it. Growing up baptist I never questioned where the bible came from because if you asked me I would have said "It's the inspired word of God." That's true, but how did it get put together? Did it drop out of a cave ? Did someone find it on an archaeological dig and did it look like my Kids Application Bible or was it more like my grandmothers King James? These questions bothered me but I didn't look much into it as I kind of chalked it up to them being "catholic." No need to look into that.  I rationalized that perhaps they had all the books after hours and hours of research on how the bible was put together and I was certain I was probably missing a few, but I didn't want to be catholic and at least I could say that everything in my bible was inspired but maybe I didn't have the whole bible... so what? Using that logic now I'd tell you that if someone tried to rip out Hebrews or James or Revelation today I'd claim them a heretic (but thats exactly what was done...these three... 4 more for the new testament and 7 from the old. The new testament was fixed but the old testament never was.)

First day of my neurosurgery rotation my preceptor mentions she's Catholic and I should read books by Scott Hahn to learn about the Catholic church. I wrote it down, and forgot about it. I didn't want to read them because I didn't want to be catholic. A few weeks later at her house for lunch she gives me Rome Sweet Home to read. Dr. Hahn is an engaging writer and it took no time to get through the book, and no matter the subject I don't turn down books. I remember thinking some verses he mentioned were puzzling like "the church is the pillar and foundation of truth." Which begs: Which church? I was willing to overlook this information though, until my husband read Rome Sweet Home. We returned the book but couldn't return the ideas. That sunday at church our preacher got up and was speaking on Ephesians 5. He said we were all "predestined in love." He explained this meant that God doesn't love everyone and that He only loves those who are predestined. As we then all stood and sang a song about how God loves us, Paul and I looked at each other knowing we could never go back to this church. It was heretical to say God doesn't love everyone as it destroys the nature of who God is.

Not too long after that Paul and I both felt God putting on our hearts that birth control was not His plan. This culminated in me coming home and sharing what I learned in school that day. As a physician assistant student we discussed all sorts of topics but what we learned about birth control shocked me:

Birth control has 3 functions
1. Ovulation- birth control inhibits ovulation
2. Cervical Mucus- birth control thickens cervical mucus to limit the sperm from getting to the egg should ovulation occur
3. Abortifactant - birth control thins the uterine lining to prevent implantation should the first two mechanisms fail.

I remember not being able to wrap my mind around that third one. "Prevents Implantation." Implantation of what? A baby. Life begins at conception: a baby is made with Gods guidance when egg and sperm meet. It travels down the fallopian tube and ...implants in the uterine lining.  I came home and told Paul I couldn't take it anymore and my heart broke for the babies God might have given that the medication didn't allow to live. This though still breaks my heart and I pray often that one day if that did happen to any that I'll meet them in heaven and be able to honestly apologize because I didn't know. Had I known, I never would have taken that medication. I later learned that birth control starves and suffocates the baby to death even if it does implant. Talk about cruel and no one told me.

Of course no birth control for a newly married couple ...and we started asking people what we should do? At the time I thought babies were made like cakes even though my medical training told me otherwise. Put in the ingredients and wait.  They told us "pray about it." No advice. No answers. I began to research these functions of birth control to learn that the Catholic church knew these functions and thus encouraged natural family planning through a variety of methods (note: the rhythm method is not natural family planning.) I came to a place where I believed what the church said about birth control but I didn't want to be catholic.

We did around this time meet with a Protestant pastor from my baptist church who I respected. I figured he would tell my husband the catholic church is wrong and that would be the end of it. Instead he recommended Sex Love and Marriage by Christopher West and told us the Catholic church has it right on these subjects and we should follow them but ignore the last page on Mary. I couldn't believe my ears and couldn't appreciate that book more...even the last page.

By this time we were attending mass but it wasn't a happy experience. I hated it, Paul felt bad for going but we were certain we didn't want to be separated and when I asked my husband where we should go to church he said : the Catholic church. I'm thankful now that he had an answer because I truthfully didn't. I could tell you why we shouldn't go to many of the other churches in the area but my reasons for not wanting to go to mass were that it was boring as if church was ever for our entertainment rather than for worshipping God. By this time I had figured out they didn't worship satan as they said "Do you renounce Satan and all his works? - I do." It was tough for me to want to stand and kneel and bow to what I wasn't sure. I used it as time to pray that God would either show me the truth of the Catholic church or He would change my husbands heart and take us away from the Catholic church. I found myself defending Catholic doctrine as to dispel misconceptions as I talked to people being clear that I wasn't Catholic but that Catholics do NOT worship Mary, they do NOT worship satan, they DO believe Jesus is truly present in the Eucharist, they do believe marriage is a sacrament... I was clarifying but not sharing, I was reading a lot but much of it I found confusing to what I knew.

It took a lot of prayer, and time for God to open my heart to the Catholic church. I didn't blindly follow Paul and I didn't make it easy as I was questioning everything down to that I wouldn't cross myself without good reason and I wouldn't bow just because everyone else did. I wanted to know why and how and when it started and then decide if I felt we should do it. I won't go into all these things here but what I will tell you is the tipping point was not all of these things, it was the Eucharist.

I read many books during my journey but maybe the two most important were "The Jewish Roots of the Eucharist" by Brandt Pitre and "The Sign of the Cross" by St. Francis De Sales. In the book by Dr. Pitre a trail between the manna of the old testament and the Eucharist of the new testament was carved out showing me truth that I had never encountered and an explanation of scriptures that have baffled people for centuries.  God led me many other places during the reading of that book and I went on a quest to prove that in some way the Eucharist was either true or false as there could be nothing in between. I read books, I scoured scripture, I prayed and through grace God showed me that when Jesus said "My body is true food and my blood is true drink" it wasn't a metaphor or a symbol. It was true. Learning that helped me during mass quite a bit as the mass is all about the Eucharist: it's all about Christ. To claim its Jesus either has to be true or the church is the biggest heretical place out there because they bow to a cracker. Either they are right, or they really are wrong and NOTHING in scripture could show me that it wasn't Jesus and rather all of scripture screamed that it IS Christ.

I'm still learning and growing and I truly could make a whole book out of this story as it was such a journey but my take home message would be to look into it. Look into what they teach and why they teach it and know why you don't believe it. All I was doing was looking for a way out and God slowly brought me in. I'll be confirmed on May 17th in the Roman Catholic Church and it seems like it can't come soon enough.

To say this is the last thing I ever wanted to be would be an understatement, so if you think I'm crazy I completely understand. My husband can attest that this was the hardest decision I have ever made not only in the amount of time it took to come to this conclusion, but also in what it has cost me. It has cost me the ability to practice medicine at a lot of offices as I am a pro-life provider.  It has cost me friends, who have asked me not to be their friend if I'm catholic, or not to talk about it if I am going to be catholic. I've had friends, family and strangers, bosses and potential employers challenge and question my decision to be catholic. It definitely has not been the convenient option. I can tell you it was the right option, because it is following the truth and God's leading.  It's truly a miracle that God has brought me here, where I least wanted to be but I know that He has a plan for me and my faith.

I'd be happy to answer any questions you have please e-mail me at beautifulgoodtrue@gmail.com
I'll tell you it's a journey to the church just as it's a journey to faith in God.

A lesson in Faith from a Ford Fusion

So I take my car to the dealership to get an oil change and I mention that one of my tires has been saying it needs air even when I put it in but it hasn't gone flat. So we get there and the guy is like the whole side wall of your tire is cracked and there is a nail in it. The fact it didn't blow out is a miracle they tell me. So they tell me than can patch the nail, but that the wall of the tire could fail and I should know that. They tell me they can do 1 tire, 2, 3, or 4. Now I should tell you those tires have been on my car since I bought it (its at about 40,000 miles and I bought it with 37  agree to fix it but they say they don't have the tires and will send me home in a rental until tomorrow. Tires are expensive and that sucks but I decided to do all 4 because I needed them anyway in the next 5000 miles. So they call me today saying something happened and they can't get my tires until tuesday but they will give me better tires and charge me less if thats ok with me. can we talk about God working things out. also the guy who helped me yesterday used to work at Miami hospital as a scrub tech for like 20 years and knew exactly what I was doing as a PA student and was such a help. He kept saying "everything happens for a reason"

I gotta tell you friends. Just this morning I was thinking about when I got the car... and how God worked out me getting a really nice car at a crazy low price and worked out all the details. I have to tell you, I'm spoiled with the car He gave me and I realized that yesterday as I drove away in my rental 2013 ford focus. I realized the difference in the leather in the car, the difference in the size, how smoothly my 6 cylinder sports car drives.  I've offered to trade it in for a less expensive car countless times as I sometimes feel guilty for having such a nice car when people don't have food, or clothes or homes. But yesterday God showed me how that was a gift He gave me, and it's not wrong to accept a gift from my heavenly Father.  I was thinking as I was driving this morning that I missed my gift and couldn't wait to get it back from the dealership. I thought about how God knew me when He gave me that car- He knew me better than I knew myself because the car I affectionately call Grace was not one I thought I wanted at all and yet God was so clear that that was the car and this was the price and here's someone to buy your old honda civic. 

So this morning when my phone rings I'm worried because it's a number I don't recognize but I know its from where the car dealership is. It's a gentleman named Anthony who tells me my tires (which were going to cost me $745 for 4 (hello sports car tire price)... that they weren't available until Tuesday (let me tell you how much my schedule wouldn't allow me to make it to the dealership by 5 on Tuesday). I took a deep breath as Anthony continued. He goes on to say they are going to upgrade my tires for free, not going to charge me labor or to mount the tires, and they are going to let me pay $700 for 4 tires that are over $200 each. 

In what world does that happen? 

Let's recap:

1. My original tire should have blown out. Getting to the dealership was a miracle.

2. The tires I picked they were already giving me a deal on 

3. They are giving me better tires for a lower price. Seems backwards. 

And it was as if this whole time God has been saying to me : LOOK I show you time and time again I know what I'm doing. You seem to have forgotten. Let me just remind you that I can work miracles big and small. I have never forsaken you. 

And my heart just replied: Father, forgive me. 

If the God of the universe can work out my tire situation, which lets be honest in the grand scheme of the worlds problem is so minor, than how much more can I trust He is going to work out my job situation, our living situation, my husbands golfing, ect. If He has proven faithful in the small things, how much more can I trust He can do the bigger things. 

So today I'll have Grace the Ford Fusion back. 

But more importantly today I was reminded of Grace. I was taught thankfulness. I was reminded to have Faith. 

A very unexpected lesson of faith from my Ford Fusion

Nothing outside His control

Hello Friends!
Alright I want to take a few moments to bring you a little bit more from Hebrews.

Last time we dove in to Hebrews 1 and the big take-home point was: Jesus is higher than angels.  In Hebrews 2 that same sentiment is carried on but I wanna kind of zone in on Hebrews 2 vs 8 which says ".... Now in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control..."

If you have watched any of the Passion conference (which I wish I could have seen all of it but I've had to work and the sessions are only up a short time) a lot of what God has been speaking through that conference is that He can do immeasurably more.  And when you think about that fact that nothing is outside of his control.  Now this passage is not setting on that phrase, but this morning it stopped me. Everything is under His control. It's a fact I know, but do I live like I know it?  As I focus on "thankfulness" this year I find myself thanking God a lot more, but also as I turn my heart toward seeing what He has done, I see more and more that what I ask Him for is many time nothing compared to what He is capable of. It has been challenging me to pray bigger prayers, like for the baby I saw in the NICU yesterday that God would heal her, for the car salesmen that He would come to really know and honor God. For myself when I need Him to quite my growling tummy during surgery, or to relieve the worry, or work out the student loans, or help Paul have an awesome day at golf. I find the more I am thankful, the more I in turn am learning to give more and more to God.  The more I am willing to understand that everything really is under His control.

And sometimes I need to repent of my lack of belief that everything is under His control, because when I don't' believe it with every fiber of my being I worry, as though I have some sort of control as to how the events happen. As if "because I want it and I will" it will happen. Friends, we have to put our whole lives in Gods hands and ask for His will alone, not ours, and when you struggle to be able to do that, I encourage you to pray and ask Him for the strength. Thank Him for the ways He has shown you so far that you can trust Him, and ask Him to forgive you for the times that you don't, and to grow your faith.

Francis Chan spoke in session 4 of the passion conference and he talked a lot about trusting God, and understanding that so often it feels like we can't trust anyone, but to remember that we can trust God. While these points of trust, and faith, and knowing He is in control seem like they should come easy, they seem to come hard in a world where we see a consistent pattern that says we can't trust others. The bible even tells us we can't trust our own hearts as they are deceitful. So what can we trust? God. We can trust the promises that He gives, and friends something I want to echo that Francis Chan pointed out: it's not just the warm and fuzzy promises but all of His promises. His promise to oppose the proud, and give grace to the humble. His promise to deny you if you deny Him. His promise that many will cry Lord Lord and He will say He never knew them.  We never want to talk about some of these promises we wanna focus on the promise that says we are fearfully and wonderfully made, that if God is for us who can be against us, that He will never leave or forsake us but friends, they are all His promises. The easy to hear, and the hard truth, all are promises from the word of God and as such we should hide them in our hearts.

Please let me know how I can be praying for you. Are you struggling with this idea of trust? Do you have a hard time remember that He has everything in control? I want to be honest and tell you I do. I struggle with this and I'm praying that God will forgive me, and grow in me a new understanding of trust as He designed it. Friends I pray that for you to, and if you need anything else please let me know.  Do know that I don't have any magical connection to God in prayer that you don't have, sometimes it is just nice to know that someone else is praying for you and that is all I hope to offer.

Trust Him. Know that he has everything under His control.