Hooking-Up The Confused With The Truth

In our society marriage is no longer viewed as a gift, it's cheapened by our world in so many ways. From the way marriages are thrown away, to the prevalence of our "hook-up culture" to the society that tears apart the family in a way that is heart breaking, we having a world that is confused, and many of them know it is confusing.

In a recent article I read from my Facebook news feed on 10 of the Most Confusing Things Happening In Today's Hook-Up Culture that you can read here. I was struck by the article and it's opening. Paul Hudson, the writer behind this article begins with this:

"I can’t say that I’m for or against our generation’s hook-up culture. I like the idea of people being sexually open and free, but at the same time, I feel that a lot of people sleep around to bury other issues they may be having in their lives.

What it all leads to is a whole lot of confusion."

I don't know Mr. Hudson, but I do know that he is right on his statement that our culture leads to a lot of confusion. Confusion on what love is, confusion on what marriage should look like, confusion on the value of family, confusion on what is healthy or true. It amazed me that Mr. Hudson pointed out what so many of us know "a lot of people sleep around to bury other issues they may be having in their lives." There is so much truth and weight in this and it isn't really given much exploration. He continues to try and "clear things up" when in reality he displays how confused we really are, and offers no real solutions. 

He starts with the understanding that we can't even be sure how to define if an interaction is a date or not and ends with that no one wants to be the first to say I love you. There 8 other points in the middle that tell readers it's okay to just have sex, no need to have dinner first if all you want it instant gratification, and yet reminds us that most millennials have slept with a large number of people due to his other points. I'll leave the white coat I wear off for this post but just a few quick facts:

(HPV is now the number 1 cause of throat cancer, and an STD you get from touching anyone between their belly button and their knees. It's not just from intercourse and condoms won't protect you. OK I'll stop there because that should be enough to get you to think twice before getting intimate from a physical health stand point). 

What Hudson didn't share was some of the side effects to this hook up culture. He didn't go over the STDs, the pregnancies that end up as abortions, the depression and anxiety that these women end up with or the lies that our society is told that it's safe sex as long as you use birth control/condoms. While I already let the cat out of the bag on condoms not protecting against HPV, I'll share this other nugget: Birth-control pills interfere with a woman’s immune system, making her more likely to contract certain STDs.  Your average person will then think I'm asking you to become a cloistered nun, and while I think Nuns are beautiful for their devotion I'll tell you I agree with Hudson in that we need to be open and free about sex, but not in the way he explains.

Freedom does not look like hiding, freedom doesn't lead to destruction and disease, freedom doesn't have to be made "safe." Freedom is just as he said: open. True freedom is liberating and beautiful. Freedom isn't restricted. The sex that our culture has isn't free at all despite their effort to pursue "no-strings-attached" love making there are always strings when you share a disease with your one night stand. Furthermore, when you have intimacy with someone you are uniting your body with theirs, it's as much a physical act as a spiritual experience and such a perfect and beautiful gift is only free in the security of marriage. That's not popular but that's the truth. I don't have to protect myself from my husband. I love him freely and openly without confusion or consequence.

What marks so much about the article and our society is point number 10:

10. No one wants to be the first person to say “I love you.”

Honestly, if you’re lucky enough to find someone you love, especially while in the midst of our current hook-up culture, then you should let them know as soon as you think they would like hearing it.

Sure, it could scare them a bit — so I don’t recommend necessarily rushing it — but when you feel that the time is right, find some courage and tell them.

Hell, scream it off the rooftops if you have to. Remember, if you don’t say it, it’s likely that the next guy will. There are so many of us willing to “date” and “hook up” that when you miss your opportunity, you may not get another one.

We are encouraged in this to share if we love someone when we "think they would like hearing it." Yes that sounds free and open. We are then told it might scare them? ...Free? Open? Scary? One of these does not fit with the other. We apparently also need to not rush it (yet we are told in points 2 and 6 that there really is not an acceptable time frame before having sex (3 hours apparently is ok) and not to worry about going to dinner if all we want is sex.  Essentially society says it is ok to get naked but don't dare say any words like "I love you" because THAT is dangerous.

When did love become dangerous but sex became safe? That sounds like something out of backwards land (but then we live in a country that has places where it is illegal to feed the homeless and it's called "anti-food sharing laws." So we live in a world that thrives on flipping good to bad and bad to good.)

I won't claim that all the Christians have it right either. So many who would call themselves followers walk away from their marriages, their families, and support our culture of death all in the name of "choice." I promise the Holy Spirit does not tear apart marriages or encourage abortion. God is Love. God creates life. God is not a God of confusion.

The confusing part of all of this is our society has taken God out of relationships. They now view marriage as being between two people when it's always been between three: the husband, the wife and God. Even in the Catholic Church it's between 3, the priest doesn't marry you but you make a covenant with God. So who officiated my wedding? God.

Marriage was created by God to be a beautiful picture of Christ loving the Church and sex was a gift for marriage. Just as Christ said on the Cross "It is Consummated" in the original Greek, we too consummate our marriages through a physical and spiritual encounter. To consummate something means to bring to perfection or completion. Christ completed the passover He started in the upper room with those words fulfilling the old covenant by being the sacrificial lamb for us all and started a new covenant with His blood. He's not finished with us as many would claim in that exchange but He committed to redeem us and love us and never leave us or forsake us. Marriage is to picture that beautiful sacrificial, patient, kindness that is free and open. It's not scary its beautiful just as the Cross was beautiful.

It's become so common not only to tear apart this beauty with our actions but too many people tear it apart with words. They joke about marriage and sex even if they do view marriage in the same way I'm claiming which sends a horribly mixed message. To call your wife your "ball and chain" or to make jokes about intimacy with your wife or sex in general is to shatter the beauty that God gave us in these gifts, and shatters the picture of Christ loving His church. If you wouldn't say it about Christ loving the Church DON'T say it about your spouse or sex. Be consistent and help those who are confused. Boldly declare that marriage is a surrender to grow in holiness with your partner and that while that doesn't always mean happiness it ALWAYS means Joy if you soak your marriage and your life in the sweet blood of Jesus. With your words remember we are called to this:
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." [Philippians 4:8].

I'll be completely honest and tell you I didn't know these things always. I had no idea what love was or what sex could be and I was one of those people who thought I could bury myself in a relationship to fulfill the desire I had for love and intimacy. It doesn't work. It's only when I knew that God loved me and allowed Him to show me grace that I could have any understanding of what love was, and that I could appreciate that kind of love from my husband.

Let's quit being a society that praises rushing into bed and start being honest about sex and marriage. Let's stop with the lies and telling the world that marriage is all rainbows and butterflies because it isn't it's challenging and it's that challenge that grows it into being beautiful. It's challenging for an acorn to become an oak treat but it's the process that's beautiful. Let's be honest about the blessing of waiting for marriage and the lies that are told to society about sex and birth control and marriage and hooking up. Let's pursue what is right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy rather than this confusion.

let's be clear.
let's love truly openly and freely.
Let's scream it from the room tops if we have to because if we don't share the truth the world will share the lies.
<3

Baby Cakes and NFP: the truth about family planning and birth control.

When you hear the phrase "Natural Family Planning" you might think one of a few things: doesn't work, calendar/rhythm method, babies.  This is what I thought. I thought "safe sex" was when you used some form of "protection" to prevent pregnancy or STDs. What I couldn't tell you was why I needed "safe sex" in my marriage where sex was meant to be. Why did I need protection from my husband who I promised to give myself freely to without reservation? There isn't one form of contraception whether hormonal or barrier that is 100% (not even tubal ligation or vasectomy). No matter what you choose you are "playing the odds." 99% effective...84% effective.... 10% effective... These are all numbers for commonly used methods.

What my husband and I wanted was not protection from each other, rather we wanted a loving marriage that honored God but we weren't ready for children. I was finishing PA school and he was working as a golf instructor which together didn't add up to a financial situation that would accommodate children. We live far away from any family and we truly couldn't afford a baby. We learned how birth control would not only ravage my body, increase my risk of breast, liver and cervical cancer, but also led to the conception but denied implantation to babies. If they do implant many times they are starved and suffocated to death due to the thinning of the uterine lining. These truths blew my mind, how were women signing up for this stuff in the form of a pill, vaginal ring, patch, arm implant and shot? Because they don't know the truth.  I knew if I thought eating genetically modified food was bad, I'd be a hypocrite to take birth control and I knew that no matter what I thought, those babies were precious and the idea of children not living without me even knowing a medicine I was taking was killing them broke my heart. How could I be against abortion, against the starving of children in 3rd world countries, and against the abuse of all people and take a medication that did this? I stopped immediately.

Then, I did what any determined woman who wanted intimacy with her husband but could not have a baby would do: research. I learned and read and absorbed so much and stumbled across natural family planning. It was challenging at first but now is the most amazing thing that we could have done. It has brought us so much closer in our marriage and has allowed us to learn much more about sex being a gift not a right.

Sex is a gift not a right.

Now 2 years later we have no children (other than our four legged fur baby - Gracie Lou.) It's not that we don't want them we absolutely do (hello baby fever) but while I know there is never a "perfect time" to have a baby the last 2 years were definitely not the time. We had to get a little bit more stable in our marriage and in our finances. Had we been able to afford it I would have been overjoyed to have a baby on our honeymoon. Our first year of marriage was my clinical year of PA school so my hours were busy and rotating through 9 different medical specialties each with varied demands. Now I'm one year out of school and working and my husband has a good job. We know that God will call us to  parenthood sometime and while we haven't been able to say "we are ready" just yet we have allowed God to determine our readiness by being open to life. (Note this does not mean just "winging it"). We are faithful to practice what God declares in his word "the denial of ourselves for the purpose of prayer."

So how does NFP or what I would prefer to call "Fertility Awareness Methods" work? There are several methods to use. Some of the most popular are Creighton, Billings and Sympto-Thermal. I'll be honest and tell you we use Billings and it has worked for us. You can find more info on it here:
http://www.thebillingsovulationmethod.org

Essentially you monitor cervical mucus to monitor fertility and during the time of peak fertility you abstain from intimacy. Through NFP I can enjoy the marital intimacy with my husband but I can also trust God with my fertility, avoiding with just reason. Note: the catholic church is clear that couples should not limit family size out of selfishness. We won't restrict children to get to go on more vacations. We wouldn't say having a boy and a girl means we're "done" as if babies come in sets and once you collect them all your good. We follow the principles of the billings method and through God's grace He has not given us more than we can handle in the form of a baby up until this point.

Ok I know what your thinking...NFP for two years? She must just not be able to have a baby...or they must never be intimate. Both are wrong my friends. The effectiveness of billings is here: http://www.thebillingsovulationmethod.org/how-effective-is-the-billings-ovulation-method™/effectiveness-in-preventing-pregnancy.html

As you may know...or can read about in my conversion story... my knowledge of birth control led me to the catholic church but many non-catholics use this. Mother Teresa taught this to women all over the world. Sadly many catholics do not follow church teaching on this issue which confuses the masses but know this : The Catholic Church has never allowed any form of contraception. In fact, up until the 1930s NO CHURCH allowed or promoted contraception. 

God knits every baby in their mother's womb. No exceptions.
In a culture that makes babies a convenience, they make pregnancy seem like a formula.
Add the ingredients...get the baby. 

The most important thing I share with women on this topic is the understanding that making a baby is not like baking a cake. You do not put the ingredients in the oven and get one. A couple who has natural sex with no protection could not get pregnant for quite a while without any medical abnormality on either persons part. God is the giver of life and there is no "planned pregnancy" as even if you are TTCing or (trying to conceive) you are praying and hoping but you have NO CONTROL. In a world obsessed with instant gratification and being in control this is challenging so we step in with methods that hurt babies and women to stop and speed up the process.  We treat making a baby like a process where if you put in the right ingredients you then get a baby. However, ask any woman who has struggled with infertility and been told "you and your partner have no reason you shouldn't be pregnant." They will tell you it doesn't work like this. They will tell you that each child is a gift. In a culture where fertility is a disease then babies will be an inconvenience, a side effect of the "disease." The treatment? contraception and abortion. This is an awful reality.

When couples understand that God has called them to "be fruitful and multiply" (Gn 1:28) and trust God with their marriage and their fertility they are going to trust Him to give them only what they need. When a couple understands that sex is not just for physical pleasure but a spiritual experience to glorify God and renew your marriage vows they know that putting anything between you separating the "one flesh."

Matthew 19:6 says "Therefore, what God has joined together no human being must separate." God has joined sex to marriage. He's joined babies to the gift of sex. As husbands love wives like Christ loves the church we have to ask ourselves would Christ ever sterilize His love? No. Christ loves us freely and fully without limit or exception. Friends lets love our spouses in the same way. Let's love God in this same way.

Finally friends, NFP can be used to attain pregnancy and not just avoid. If your TTCing check it out it might HELP but remember all babies come from God and there is no magic trick or pill to getting pregnant. It can even be used if you have an "irregular" period, PCOS, or other condition that affects your ability to follow a normal cycle. Friends there are several methods for NFP: Creighton, Billings, Symptothermal.. ect. Please look into the true methods and DO NOT rely on a phone app as NOT ONE works. You are not a computer ladies, you are a woman and that app is only going to take a guess. You would have to know your body, follow the guidelines and take a leap of faith knowing whether your using it to avoid or TTC it's all in God's hands.

It won't be easy friends to trust God but it will be worth it. I know for my husband and I it has completely improved our communication, our understanding of each other, and has allowed us to honor God with our marriage and our lives without exception.

Note: I am not a certified NFP instructor but if you have questions I'm happy to answer based on what I know from my experience and research.

Thanks friends.
<3
Anita