Whales aren't easy.

"Somewhere between having a dream and following it lies faith"

Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
 2 Corinthians 5:7 says "We live by faith not by sight."

Sometimes I wonder if verses like this were written just for me. I'm having a hard time with faith lately.  I guess i should be clear in that sometimes in situations where we can see a solution its hard to truly trust it will work out. I know it will becuase I know who God has shown me He is and what He has shown me He does and I believe what He has told me. But the logical part of me that is objective looks at a situation all the sides and says "well logically i dont' see a solution." This is the thing about God. He sees things that don't exist yet and has a plan based on those things. So i just have to have faith in the things I can't see. hellooooooo hebrews 11:1. He has shown me time and time again He has the best plan and I know that. but maybe its not the faith that I have the problem with but more the patience with waiting for Him to show me how it's going to work out. Patience and I ... not always friends. I'm a person who as my friend Vicky would say is a "go getter" some people are some people aren't. I'm someone if there is a problem i want to fix it. If there is a mess I want to clean it up as fast as possible. If there is something that needs to be done I like to do it and move on. I'm a planner. I'm a promoter of the saying "If you fail to plan you plan to fail." in most instances I agree. Now I will say I don't do this in everything. Like if we are going out to dinner don't ask me where to go I can't plan that for some reason lol. I'm not saying being like me is the right way or the best way, but I will say in my life it has been helpful to me. It has also created a lot of frustration in times where God is holding the plan hostage and teaching me patience. He knows me more than anyone. He knows what I need and what He has put on my heart and He knows that I'd like step by step detailed instructions of what He wants and how and why but He doesn't give that. He teaches me faith. He teaches me patience. He shows me that while I want His will that I have to understand His will not in my timing but in His.

I have things that I feel like God has put on heart and when it's just you you can follow those things. But the beautiful, and challenging part of relationships is that it's no longer just you and what you and God decide but you have to take in to account another persons desires. It's something akin to knowing how to walk by yourself and then participating in a 3 legged race. It takes some work to get used to it.  And yet you can look back and remember when you were learning to crawl. My point is each stage in life takes adjusting and learning which leads you to a better place but takes work to get there.

Moreover add in trying to let someone lead and respecting their choices and it can get difficult. The bible talks a lot about denying yourself to follow Christ and when I read those verses I always think about denying drinking or sex or things like that. But the more I'm learning I'm seeing its not just denying the obvious. It's denying sometimes things that you want. To say a relationship teaches you about service and selflessness is an understatement. I guess what I have learned the most is how selfish I am. Proverbs 31 talks about the qualities a good wife should have. No where in there does it say " She then did what she wanted." or "She then was all about herself." It says she did things like help the poor, took care of her family, got up early, was a hard worker, honored her husband.

I'm not saying Proverbs 31 isn't correct- because it is. What I'm saying is its hard. It takes faith. It takes an understanding and a trust. For some this comes easier then others depending on your life experiences and what God has taught you up until that point.

I feel like all the reading of books, and of the bible and hearing women at churhc speak doesn't prepare you for some of these things. It takes prayer and reading of the word to work through some of these things. Meditating on verses about faith. reading about women who had it and who exemplified what you should be. and if your blessed enough to have a mother or grandmother exemplify these things relying on that example. God promises not to give you anything He doesn't prepare you for you just have to have faith in that. Trust that  He will give you the tools and in the mean time you get to exercise the thing some of us struggle most with: patience.

And yet. In all this He shows me that He protect me. This morning I was getting ready for school and I was realizing that I haven't really been going grocery shopping and planning things for lunch and such and as such I had nothing to bring to school. I grabbed some goldfish and a granola bar and figured i'll stop by 7-11 for a banana I was driving straight and was making a left on a green arrow. I thought mid intersection "you should speed up" so I did. and all the sudden I hear the screeching of tires as they slide across the pavement and the dreaded "CRASH". I didn't feel the impact so I knew it wasn't me, it was the car behind me. who was hit by a red light running car that smashed the passanger side near the front tire. Had I not sped it He probably would have hit my back tire area which could have turned my car as I was mid turn and caused me to hit someone or something else. He had a plan. (note I didn't know it was coming so I wasn't impatiently wanting to know what the plan was. but He had one nonetheless). I didn't go to 7-11. I checked to make sure everyone was ok and then got to school. I thought "how many times does God save us from things when we don't see it." I wonder if He was showing me that sometimes He keeps us far away from things that coudl potentially hurt or damage us. But sometimes, He lets them get really close to us where a half a second difference could have completely changed my day. Other times, He lets us go through the hard times to teach us and grow us to be more like Christ. No matter what He is allowing you to go through right now He has a plan. Just pray that He would help you have the patience for Him to carry it out. Remember patience isn't just waiting but contentment in waiting. I'd say while I'd like to say I've been patient in the last few months, I've become inpatient in the last few weeks. Reality is. A few months is nothing God has made people wait decades, and centuries. so I'm going to have to be patient and figure out what denying myself really means. For me maybe it means not finding a real mentor, not finding a womens group to learn from, not finding friends at my church, not finding a place i want to serve, not finding a place for my fiance and I to be part of together. Maybe denying myself means not building a new church family. maybe denying myself means being divided. Maybe it means slowly feeling disconnected from some of my friends and waiting to make new ones. Maybe it means wrapping myself up in my own study of the bible for a bit. Maybe it means continuning to pray but maybe it means accepting that sometimes God says no. sometimes He says later.

in the end I trust His plan :) I know whatever it is it's what's best. It just might now be easy. But hey Jonah probably wouldn't classify being in the belly of a whale easy.

xoxo
Anita