memories

it's amazing to me how our memories work. one thing can trigger them. like the word memories brings me back to a childhood friend and i dancing around and mocking "Memories" by barbara streisand. If you've never heard it check it out and maybe you will see what we found so entertaining in the fourth grade.

Today driving to church I had a lot of thoughts on my mind and I thought about something I thought I forgot about. I used to drive to church and ask God that the sermon would speak directly to me so I would know He hadn't given up on me. Why? becuase there were those perfect sermons that seemed to be written just for you. They gave me a hope and I wanted that every Sunday.... really i wanted it everyday but I dind't know how to get it.  When I'd ask for it and it didn't happen, I took it to mean God was on vacation, that I was far too lost. Now I know... He doesn't take vacations. He doesn't ever leave. If I don't feel Him around me it's not Him that's left its me. The idea of praying this almost sounds foreign to me now. but I remembered it as I was praying for the church I was driving to. That God would open oppurtunities. That He would be clear. That He would show me what He wants. I wouldn't say any of that was cleared up though the sermon was good. but it's my memories that let me know that He has a plan and I just need to wait on that.

but now as I sit in starbucks sifting through Clinical Pharm notes I remember a lot. I remember what it was like to work at sbux. I remember what it was like to be in undergrad. I miss my sorority at times. Not the parties or those things but the sisterhood. The idea taht you had people to call who would drop anything to be there. Thats what they teach you in the sorority. That if a sister needs you you better respond. Now how they teach it.... that can be questioned as to if its good. And the reason for meeting in a sorority... I wouldn't say it's good. When I joined I was told I was no longer just Anita but Anita DPHIE. Everything I would say and do would reflect on the organziation. While maybe for a time I needed this because I was finding my idenity in anything but Christ... now I look back at it and I am thankful for the lessons learned, but am happy to have moved on.

And on the rainy days.. I remember what it was like to drive back from the davie campus all those days in summer of 2010... some days that drive was hard. I feel like God broke my heart a lot during that drive while I was listening to the radio and thinking on life. He was growing me slowly. He knew that I'd move to Boca and the next day He'd wake me up early introduce me to a church that opened up to me right away and from there I'd grow more than I thought possible in one year. Now that I look back on it... it sounds crazy. I remember getting caught in the rain at the beach. I remember sliding in my old car through an intersection. I remember playing in puddles in my bathing suit in north palm beach. I remember choosing bible study over chapter meetings. I remember fasting for the first time. I remember hwo that 21 days flipped my life upside down to the point where I honestly didn't recognize it. I remember deciding I wanted a night to be about God and He introduced me to my wonderful fiance.

I've been learning a lot about what it means to deny yourself. A question was presented" What have you lost since you became a christian?" If nothing you might not really be denying yourself, picking up your cross and following Christ.

What have I lost?
pretty much everyone I was close to prior to summer of 2011. I still think about some of them. Like this girl Amber I was close to. or Leah who I grew up with. I wonder how they are. I miss them, but I know that there is a cost to discipleship. It's not them who changed. its me. and while I know FOR SURE that I changed for the better- the truth doesn't make things easier always jsut makes it tolerable.

I wouldn't go back and choose different. I won't' change back. I can't deny all that I've been blessed with. The shoes I'm wearing right now I got in the summer of 10th grade. Leah was with me and I bought them at journeys. That was summer of 2005. And just saying 2005... now THAT brings back memories. high school. bad choices. people i don't ever talk to. these shoes have been a lot of places. I've been a lot of places. and somehow it all led to this moment right now sitting in a starbucks writing a blog post, and being very cold. I'm thinking I should order a hot coffee soon....

My point is... it's all connected. God has a plan for each of these moments and its interesting to look back and see how He has moved and how He has changed me. I'm no longer asking Him to please not give up on me-- I'm confident He won't. I'm no longer finding my identity in anything but Christ. I'm no longer keeping up friendships that aren't bringing me closer to Christ. But there are some days where I remember where I've come from and where I'm hoping to go and I'm amazed. God has brought me through so much. if you told me i'd be where I'm at now this time last year I wouldn't have believed you. Sometimes I don't even believe it now. but sometimes I remember it all and i'm finding lately when I remember it it doesn't even sound like my memories. It's all so foreign to me that it sounds like some story I heard and I'm thankful for that.

I'm excited to see what He has planned and what new memories He will make for me.